10 Subtle Signs Of A Duplicitous Spouse Who's Deep Into An Emotional Affair, According To Psychology
Do you notice these odd behaviors?
Drazen Zigic | Canva After the wedding bells, when a couple moves on into married life and their family and careers, one or the other will often meet someone — at work or in a class — whose company they enjoy and whom they spend time with. The Urban Dictionary has sprouted a new slang term, "work spouse," for "a significant other with whom you work."
When this happens, it's only natural for a spouse to wonder if this new friendship is purely platonic or crossed the line into a full-blown emotional affair. That's when you hear the infamous words, "We are just friends!"
Are they? How can you tell when your spouse has crossed the line from friendship into emotional infidelity?
Here are 10 subtle signs of a duplicitous spouse who's deep into an emotional affair:
1. They reserve their best selves for their new friend.
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Do they hide your not-so-good side from your "friend," or are they always stressed, irritable, silly, frumpy, and sick? People let their friends see them as they are when it's a friendship.
When it crosses the line into an emotional affair, they try to impress them and only let them see them looking good, smelling good, and being witty. Research from 2023 tells us that people dress better to impress someone.
2. They are constantly daydreaming or thinking about their friend.
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Do they seem to be fantasizing or thinking a lot? When it's a friendship, their mind is usually on what they're doing or living and occasionally thinking of some situation in their life.
When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, their mind envisions, invents, imagines, and longs for what they might do with their "friend." The BBC reports that people tend to think a lot about people they crush on.
3. They socialize with their friend more often without you.
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Do they hope they might catch their "friend" if you're out together socially, or do they keep wanting to see their "friend" when they're with you?
When it's a friendship, they don't think about running into their friends because you are present and enjoying the company of your partner. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, their mind thinks of ways to "accidentally run into them" or lingers on what a goodnight kiss might be like.
4. You don't feel comfortable with their friend.
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When it's a friendship, you and your partner have discussed and enthusiastically agreed with each other about when and where to meet the friend and for how long—the primary connection and agreement is with your partner. Research from the Institute for Family Studies tells us that married people can have other friends but must set boundaries.
When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, their partner may not be comfortable with their "friend" or may disagree with when or how much time they spend with their "friend," the primary connection is no longer with the partner.
5. They hide their texts with their friend from you.
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When it's a friendship, they allow their partner to see them — their life, their schedule, who they see, and why. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, they hide the truth and call that "privacy," concealing their thoughts and feelings, where they're really going, and who they'll be meeting.
When people start to hide their phones and lives from their significant others, this can cause them to get curious. According to statistics from the Pew Research Center, 41% of people admit to going through their partner's phone.
6. They share private things with their friend.
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When it's a friendship, they may know some things or may have grown up in the same neighborhood, but they don't share all of them with them. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, they share intimately what they should be sharing with their partner.
7. They complain about you to their friend.
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When it is a friendship, there may be times when they need some encouragement or support, but details are best shared directly with their partner, and they seek their primary connection in their relationship. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, they share complaints about their relationship with their "friend" instead of with their partner, seeking primary emotional support from outside the relationship!
8. They're jealous of their friend's love interests.
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Do they feel happy when they see their "friend" go on dates? When it is a friendship, they don't feel like they are joined by a friend, so of course they'd set them up with someone who will treat them well and make them happy!
When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, they would feel jealous if someone else went out with their "friend" because deep down, they sort of want them to themselves! One study states that feelings of jealousy are a major reason for conflict in marriages.
9. They're frustrated when their friend socializes with other people.
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When it's a friendship, they'd think, "I want to be the best man/maid of honor! Heck yeah!" When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, they feel angry, frustrated, or sullen at the thought of losing them to someone else.
And all of these pent-up feelings won't do their marriage any good either. Anger in a marriage can cause stress, one 2006 study states.
10. They find their friend attractive.
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They love their "friend", and they can do anything for them, but one thing they cannot do is imagine being intimate with them! When it's a friendship, they may feel protective, silly and like they can totally be themselves in a safe place and be accepted even though they're weird — but thinking of them that way makes them laugh and say, "Yeah good one!"
When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, they not only can imagine it but daydream about it during the day and dream about it at night! If they are honest with themself, they look at these signs, and realize they may be crossing the line into an emotional affair
It's not too late! They can choose to stop and rebuild the love in their relationship. To rekindle the flame of love. Research from the Gottman Institute states that a relationship can survive infidelity.
David and Cindy Taylor are Life, Marriage, and Relationship Coaches who help people end affairs and rebuild more loving, happy marriages.