People Who Were Deeply Wounded By Their Parents Often Heard These 11 Well-Meaning Phrases Growing Up
Tursk Aleksandra | Shutterstock Parents often say a few well-meaning phrases with the best intentions, hoping to motivate their children to be the best versions of themselves, but in the process do more harm than good. As well-intentioned as some of these statements are, they can have unintended effects on a child’s state of mind.
Parental words carry a lot of weight, and painful comments can damage the relationship between them and their children. More than anything, it’s the context in which a parent says these phrases that can make their children feel misunderstood.
People who were deeply wounded by their parents often heard a few phrases growing up:
1. ‘We love you, but…’
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When a ‘but’ is added to the end of a statement, it implies some form of critique or criticism towards the child. While the intention behind the ‘I love you’ is to reassure the child that the love for them is unconditional, when it is followed up with a ‘but,’ it shows the complete opposite. This can confuse the child in the long run and cause insecurities.
We often use unconditional love as a reward system that hinders the growth of our relationships with our children, according to author Jim Taylor, Ph.D. You wouldn’t reward a child with positivity for their negative behaviors. Children are learning about how the world actually works, not the world we curate for them.
2. ‘Why can’t you be more like your sibling?’
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Being compared to your siblings throughout your childhood can really damage a child's self-esteem. People who go through this feel that no matter what they do, they will never be good enough. These feelings of inadequacy can result in unhealthy competitiveness and jealousy.
According to Nando Pelusi, Ph.D., parents do this because they were not designed to give endless attention and resources to their children because, evolutionarily, they had limits. Some parents even invest more in one child than in all of them. Unhealthy comparisons can make children feel they need to compete for their parents' affection, which can strain relationships with siblings as they get older.
3. ‘You never listen to a word I say’
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Parents often say this phrase out of frustration when a child doesn't follow instructions or ignores the task they were given. Even if a parent feels unheard or disrespected, this statement can have far-reaching consequences for how a child behaves in the future. As a result, they may become more rebellious or combative with their parents.
Family therapist Ugochukwu Uche, MS., LPC, explained that absolute statements like this are a problem because they promote an all-or-nothing attitude, whereas things are almost always in a gray area. It’s not that your children don’t listen to you as a parent; it's that when you speak, they are terrified of doing the wrong thing, which creates more anxiety and a higher likelihood that they will ruin what you told them to do. This can create a conflict-ridden household where the parent's emotional state is prioritized above everyone else's. It can also make the child feel like they have to walk on eggshells just to talk to their parents.
4. ‘We thought you would do better than this’
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Some parents require their children to be as perfect as humanly possible by telling them they knew better in a situation. This kind of statement sets a high, unattainable standard for children and instills an anxiety-inducing fear of failure.
Parents, of course, use different methods and styles to raise their children. Some parents can be overbearing or overprotective when they hover over the child. Researchers in Norway found that this type of helicopter parenting caused anxiety and depression in children. When you are constantly being monitored or being watched, it can make you feel like you are a prisoner in your own home.
5. ‘You're overreacting’
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Some parents rush to check whether a child is okay after something minor happens, while others tell them to stop making a fuss. Parents who give tough love minimize their child’s emotions; kids may even shut down later or feel ashamed of expressing their feelings.
According to cognitive scientist Dr. Paul Thagard, Ph.D., gut reactions can help because they put a person in a loop between judgment and emotional response. It’s best not to avoid these fears but to face them. For parents, acknowledging the child’s pain but reminding them that it is only temporary will help improve your relationship with them. Parents who tell their children they are overreacting or are too sensitive unknowingly teach them not to trust their own emotions.
6. ‘You’re just being lazy’
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Calling your children lazy is harmful because it labels them as unworthy of your approval. Laziness at its worst can stem from low self-esteem or a lack of motivation, while at its best it can simply be a sign they're relaxing.
What parents perceive may not be what's actually going on. For instance, your son or daughter might be on their iPad all day, but they might have just finished their homework earlier. This doesn’t make them lazy; it actually makes them productive. In fact, science shows that some of the laziest people are the most intelligent. Children naturally have shorter attention spans, but when they’re lazy, they tend to have longer attention spans. So, when you call your child lazy, it’s actually a compliment, whether you know it or not.
7. ‘Why can’t you be like other kids?’
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Parents often use this phrase to compare their children to their peers, making it seem as if their child isn't behaving normally. This can foster feelings of rejection and a lack of acceptance from their parents. They might start to feel the need to alter who they are to gain parental approval.
Comparing your children to others can make them feel like they don’t measure up to your expectations. Instead, you should celebrate your child’s unique qualities and teach them that they should stop comparing themselves to others, as they will be much happier when they do.
8. ‘It’s just a joke, don’t take it too seriously’
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When parents use the phrase ‘it was just a joke,’ it usually comes after they've said it and seen the child’s reaction. Saying it can further invalidate their feelings, as the child is acutely aware of their emotions in that moment.
Children might internalize the message that their emotions aren’t worth expressing, which can lead to frustration or even difficulty communicating their feelings later. Teasing and joking can sometimes cross the line for children because they are not used to it. We can’t help how we feel, and when we're told not to feel those things, we're unconsciously taught to accept poor boundaries from other people.
9. ‘Why do you have to be so loud?’
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Shame is arguably the most powerful way to make someone dim their light. An energetic child who naturally expresses how they feel and is told they are ‘too loud’ can start to feel like this isn’t a normal way of being. Over time, they suppress themselves and fit the mold they were told was acceptable. This can make them feel like they were never good enough as adults. This type of emotional hiding can also lead them to isolate themselves physically from their parents when they are older because of the mistreatment that they went through as children.
10. ‘You need to get out more and socialize’
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This phrase can encourage social skills and lasting relationships, but it can also harm children by pressuring them to be someone they are not. Telling a child they need to get out more can increase your child's anxiety. Everyone communicates differently, but a child will feel misunderstood by their parents if they make it seem like something is wrong with them.
Researchers in Finland found that introverted children can build their self-esteem by engaging socially with others in clubs that interest them. The more social engagement, the more motivated and confident the children were. Thus, parents can positively influence their children's social development.
11. ‘Sometimes I regret the decisions I made in my life’
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Putting all of your parental regrets onto your children can be harmful. It’s understandable for parents to be vulnerable sometimes, but saying this particular phrase in front of your children can have consequences. Are they part of the regrets that you have? Children will suddenly question everything they have ever been told. It makes your children feel as if they were unwanted before they even got here, so what is the point in doing anything anymore?
Moms and dads have their own parenting style, which can benefit or ruin their children's experiences. When parents focus more on encouraging their children rather than judging them, it can help the children build confidence in a healthier, more expressive way.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author who has over a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She writes about self-help, relationships, culture, and human-interest topics.
