No Parent Wants To Hear These 12 Harsh Phrases From Their Grown-Up Kids
Andrii Zastrozhnov / Shutterstock We'd like to believe that the relationship between parents and their children gets easier with time, and most often, it does. But sometimes grown-up kids say things that their parents simply don't want to hear.
Often, adult kids lash out because they've been hurt or neglected by their parents in the past. Sometimes, the grown kids are doing their best, but what's best for them is upsetting to their parents. Regardless of the "why," there are better ways to handle these moments, ways that will help their family stay close.
No parent wants to hear these 12 harsh phrases from their grown-up kids
1. ‘You were never there for me’
fizkes | Shutterstock
The first entry on this list might be one of the most heartbreaking. "You were never there for me" speaks to a profound loss for the child and what no doubt feels like a major failure to the parent.
Parents who disagree with their adult children's interpretation of their upbringing should still listen and hold space for their kids’ feelings, even when it’s painful. Despite not seeing eye to eye, they can emotionally validate their adult children’s perspective. More often than not, being dismissive leads to even more hurt and heartache for both parents and their children.
A 2009 study in the Journal of Psychology and Aging examined how tension between parents and their adult children affected the quality and strength of their relationship.
Their findings were consistent with the “developmental schism hypothesis,” which states that having a tense parent-child relationship is common. They reported that the primary source of tension comes from discrepancies in developmental needs, which differ by generation, age, and gender.
While it’s never easy for parents to hear that their children are disappointed in them, they should remember that they did their best with the tools they had at the time and give themselves grace.
2. ‘I can’t forgive you’
fizkes | Shutterstock
Another phrase no parent wants to hear from their adult children is “I can’t forgive you.” For most parents, this phrase indicates something truly horrific happened, something unusually bad. But for some grown-up kids, this phrase can apply to anything they're struggling with from the past.
While we tend to think forgiving people who’ve hurt us is essential for moving on with our lives, Dr. Ramani Durvasula disagrees. During an interview, she noted that accepting an apology can often perpetuate someone’s pain, rather than give them peace.
“The pressure to forgive has led some people to feel guilty their whole lives [or] prematurely forgive,” she explained. “There's a really interesting body of literature out there that suggests that if we forgive someone who re-perpetrates, it significantly harms the well-being of the forgiver.”
“I think the people who don't feel peace are the people who forgive and keep getting harmed. Healing from narcissistic abuse is individuating, becoming autonomous, and ultimately rising into your authentic self. And your authentic self may not forgive.”
Parents don’t want to hear that their adult children don’t forgive them, yet they should recognize that they’re not owed forgiveness from their kids or anyone else. There may be a very good reason their kid doesn't forgive them, and it may take time for them to explain.
And the very last thing a parent should do is pretend they want their kids to forgive them so the kid can have peace. As Dr. Ramani says, it's just not true.
3. ‘I can’t afford to visit you this year’
fizkes | Shutterstock
For many empty-nesters, their kids’ annual trip home is the most anticipated experience of the year, so it's no surprise that they feel absolutely crushed when their grown-up kids say they can't afford to visit.
It’s nearly impossible to separate economic concerns from family life when reports say that sending kids to childcare often costs more than rent and college tuition (which has also absolutely skyrocketed in cost) and buying enough groceries to keep your family fed can drain your bank account. The high cost of living means many people are figuring out how to have more frugal lives, leaving certain luxuries, like travel, off their lists.
While canceling a trip home isn’t ideal for parents or adult children, they can either offer to pay for their grown kids to visit or do their best stay connected if that's not possible. They can send “thinking of you” texts and schedule a talk. Parents can also send care packages and write letters, knowing their love can cross state lines and nourish their souls.
4. ‘I’m not happy with my life’
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock
“I’m not happy with my life."
It’s easy for parents to interpret this statement as an accusation: If only they’d been better parents, their kids would be happy. Yet that line of thinking traps people in a toxic dynamic because the truth is, we can’t rely on validation from others to make us happy. Everyone is responsible for their emotions, and it’s not a parent’s job to fix their children’s feelings.
As therapist Nancy Carbone explained, true happiness comes from breaking out of self-deprecating patterns and committing to habits that allow you to flourish.
“The real antidote to being truly happy within yourself is mastering self-love, believing in yourself, and focusing on yourself instead of finding happiness in other people,” she concluded.
Still, as the old saying goes, 'You're only as happy as your least-happy child" and it's so hard
5. ‘You can't come to my wedding’
Lordn | Shutterstock
Few things could be more heartbreaking than hearing that your grown-up child isn't inviting you to their wedding.
For most parents, watching their kids get married is a joyful, once-in-a-lifetime experience, second to having grandchildren. But not everyone has the fairytale version of family, and an increasing number of young adults are going no-contact or low-contact with their parents.
Milestone events like weddings can exacerbate underlying tensions in any family, especially when parents and their children don’t have a close bond. The happiest day of someone’s life might be painful for their parents, as not being invited to celebrate with their child highlights the distance between them.
Sometimes the parents aren't invited to their child's wedding for less personal reasons. In today's economy, many people are scaling down weddings, with many Gen Z couples eloping or getting married in a private civil ceremony with just the couple and a Justice of the Peace or judge.
Parents can’t force their adult children to do anything they don’t want to do, even include them in their wedding. All parents can do is acknowledge how they feel and give themselves time to grieve because what they’re experiencing is a form of loss.
6. ‘You’re so judgmental, I can’t be myself with you’
fizkes | Shutterstock
Parents rarely think they're being judgmental in a bad way, they think they're guiding their kids to making good decisions and being successful and safe. The problem is, when their kids are grown adults, it doesn't come across as protective, it comes across as controlling and even cruel.
Parents may think that annoying their kids a little is worth protecting and guiding them. But a study in the Journal of Psychology and Aging says it's much more than just annoyance. Researchers report that they found that parents who place expectations on their adult children contribute to increased tension in their relationships.
The study found that parents expressed more ambivalence about the quality of their relationships with their adult children if their kids had not reached what they considered to be “adult statuses,” such as holding down a job, being financially stable, getting married, or having kids.
The best thing parents can do for their children, even once they’re grown, is to practice radical acceptance and let them chart their course through life. Before critiquing, they should ask, "Hey, I have some concerns and you can take or leave them, is it OK if I share them with you?" which is a much more respectful way to approach the same problem.
7. ‘I don’t want you around my kids’
fizkes | Shutterstock
Few phrases are more painful for a parent with grandkids to hear is, “I don’t want you around my kids.”
As hard as this sentiment might be for parents to accept, adult children have every right to decide whether their children want to know their grandparents. Parents don’t get an automatic pass to be in their grandchildren’s lives, especially if there’s unresolved trauma in their relationship with their adult children.
Adult children are allowed to determine who they want around their kids. When parents push back or question their rules, it shows they have big trouble with boundaries.
As therapist Eli Harwood told YourTango, this is how this struggle often plays out: "When a grandparent continues to fixate on a topic or dynamic you have previously addressed, likely, they have not developed the skill of respecting boundaries.”
“We can tell someone can handle boundaries when they receive our feedback or limits with clear communication and changes in behavior,” she concluded.
One caveat: Grown children should never use the grandkids as leverage against their parents. If their parents are being annoying or not going along with something unrelated to parenting the grandchildren, and that's why they're not allowed around them, that is not healthy. Children should never be used as pawns, not even by their parents.
8. ‘I’m dropping out of school’
fizkes | Shutterstock
Every parent wants a bright future for their grown-up kids, which is why hearing, "I'm dropping out" can strike such fear. They want their kids to enter adulthood with a solid education, economic stability, and career options, which they equate with a college degree.
Yet, kids don’t always need a college degree to succeed, especially in this climate, where higher education is astronomically expensive. Opportunities for technical training give kids access to high-paying blue-collar jobs.
On an episode of the “Getting Open” podcast, Andrea Miller spoke with Hannah Maruyama, co-founder of Degree Free, a company “helping young adults build successful careers without a degree.”
“Based on your calculations, only 7.7% of people need degrees if they want to be a civil engineer, if they want to be a surgeon, if they want to be a doctor,” Miller said.
Maruyama believes that college isn’t the only path to financial stability and professional success, especially considering the crushing weight of student loan debt.
Parents might not like their decisions, but they must accept that their kids are the architects of their lives.
9. ‘I’m totally overwhelmed by my debt’
fizkes | Shutterstock
Most parents see their role as guiding their kids to have successful lives, which includes meeting their own basic needs and building up a financial safety net. They don’t want to hear that their adult children struggle to support themselves or that their economic future is uncertain.
While nobody wants to hear it, one of the first thoughts a truly great parent has when their grown-up kid calls to say, “I’m deep in debt” is relief. Why? Because debt is a secret that is sometimes so shameful, people lose their lives over it from mental health crises. When the adult kid turns to their parents, their parents can rest a little easier knowing they can help thir child.
While being in debt carries a heavy amount of shame, it’s also the status quo for most adults in America. The average debt per household in the U.S. is around $154,000, including mortgages, car loans, student debt, and credit cards. Mortgages comprise the largest percentage of an average consumer’s debt balance, at $244,498.
Parents never stop worrying about their children, even when they’re adults. Hearing that their children are in debt causes them immense concern, even though it’s common.
10. ‘I need to move back home’
Lewis Tse | Shutterstock
A phrase parents don’t want to hear from their adult children is “I need to move back home,” yet more adults in the U.S. live with their parents now than in any previous generation.
Psychologist Dr. Laurence Steinberg spoke on the American Psychological Association’s podcast, touching on the reasons behind this cultural shift.
“The gap between housing costs and salaries has widened considerably, by about five times or so,” he said. “Young people need much more time to accumulate enough money to buy a home or even in some cities to rent an apartment on their own, making them economically dependent on their parents for much longer.”
Dr. Steinberg called for parents and their adult children to reframe their ideas about moving home, noting that it’s not so much a “failure to launch” as it reflects our world.
“Let’s first begin by asking both generations to understand and accept the fact that this is normal now in the United States,” he said, noting that “the key really is to have a conversation about what everybody’s expectations are because it’s a new situation… so they need to talk about what the rules are, what the guidelines are.”
While this may be a shock, parents can also see it as a blessing, if they choose. Life is long, and 18 years goes by fast. Maybe it will be a nice thing, instead of stressful.
11. ‘I wish you raised me differently’
fizkes | Shutterstock
A tough-but-honest phrase parents don’t want to hear from their grown-up kids is, “I wish you raised me differently.” For parents, this phrase implies that their kids had unhappy childhoods or that they’re being blamed for a past they can’t control.
Adult children have every right to their interpretations of their childhood, which often means expressing emotions that are hard for parents to accept.
Everyone lives with some amount of regret, both big and small. It’s not unhealthy to voice those regrets, but it is harmful to stay stuck in them. Moving on from the past isn’t simple, but letting go of things we can’t control is the only way to free ourselves from resentment and bitterness.
12. ‘I don’t feel loved by you’
mojo cp | Shutterstock
While this is extremely painful to hear, if a parent hears a phrase like “I don’t feel loved by you” it's crucial for them to try not to react out of anger. If the grown-up child is being earnest, it needs to be taken seriously.
Not all parents are capable of being responsive to their kids’ emotional needs, which can lead to them developing an insecure attachment style. Kids who don’t feel loved by their parents often struggle to create healthy adult relationships. They have difficulty letting other people in and learning to love themselves.
An article about parental love in the Encyclopedia of Applied Ethics pointed out that parental love provides a foundation for children’s sense of self-worth. Feeling loved by their parents allows kids to appreciate the “gift of love,” which makes them well-adjusted adults.
There’s a crucial difference between conditional love, which is based on a child’s ability to meet their parents' standards, and parents who give their kids unconditional love and support.
“When parental love is as it should be, no child feels that she or he has to excel in some striking way to be the undisputed object of parental love,” the article explained. “Because parental love underwrites self-respect, such love is the basis for a child coming to have a proper valuing of the self.”
When parents love their children exactly as they are, without imposing impossible expectations, they create a safe, nourishing space for them to become their most authentic selves in adulthood.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
