People Who Harbor Secret Hate For You Usually Say 11 Things In Casual Conversation
Leszek Glasner | Shutterstock We all have people in our lives that we love and care about. We want what's best for them, often going to great lengths to ensure they feel loved and respected. Unfortunately, not everyone shares the same sentiment, because there are certain phrases people use when they're harboring secret hate for you.
From making disrespectful comments to being dismissive, they'll tell you flat-out that your emotions don't mean a thing to them. And when you're on the receiving end, it's deeply hurtful.
People who harbor secret hate for you usually say these things casually:
1. 'It was just a joke'
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When in a group of people, it can feel overwhelming and overstimulating. Everyone wants to make a good first impression and, as a result, they'll jump through hoops to appear cool. However, all of this work is put on hold when one person begins poking fun at you in front of everybody else. With a teasing grin, they'll bring up something to embarrass you and then follow up by saying, "It was just a joke."
When someone deliberately brings up moments they know will hurt or embarrass you, even if they claim to be kidding, they're purposely being mean and really don't care about you or your feelings. And according to one study published in Cognitive, Affective, & Behavioral Neuroscience, thinking about negative past memories can worsen mental health symptoms and lessen the amount of time spent on positive ones.
2. 'Don't take things so personally'
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If you want to know if a person doesn't care about your feelings, think about whether or not they have ever told you to not take things so personally after insulting or embarrassing you. When someone knows they said the wrong thing, they'll quickly brush things under the rug and say the other person shouldn't feel offended.
People who harbor secret hate for you will also make excuse after excuse. Though you'd like to believe that their behavior was just a fluke or one-off incident, their behavior rarely changes — and they seldom apologize. After all, apologizing helps people to avoid the same mistakes twice, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Susanne Babbel, PhD. All things considered, people who harbor secret hate for you shouldn't be let off the hook that easily. Disrespect is serious and should never be given a pass simply because they supposedly didn't mean what they said.
3. 'You're too sensitive'
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"You're too sensitive" is a phrase people use when they harbor secret hate for you. It's okay to feel offended by someone else's disrespect because, whether they meant it or not, their words have a huge impact on your self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes, it isn't enough to let bygones be bygones and push your emotions to the side. And sometimes, it isn't enough to allow hateful people to skate on without addressing their disrespectful words.
Disrespect has a big impact on others: According to a 2017 study, disrespect often leads to fear, anger, shame, confusion, isolation, depression, and other negative emotions. So, don't be afraid to call out a rude person and stand firm in your opinion. It might not change their perspective or elicit an apology, but it will ensure they don't say such rude things to you again.
4. 'I don't have time for this'
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After an embarrassing encounter, it can feel empowering to call someone out and say that their comment wasn't kind or considerate. Keeping your head held high, you might even follow up by saying, "You owe me an apology." However, all this empowerment can quickly fall by the wayside when they fire back and say, "I don't have time for this." This is hurtful and incredibly dismissive of your energy and feelings. Most people would protect their egos and leave the situation so as not to cause further pain, but in order to get a person who harbors secret hate for you to stop disrespecting you, keep calling them out on their behavior.
5. 'Why can't you just get over it?'
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When someone causes irreparable hurt, no amount of "I'm sorry" will reverse the damage that's been done. Betrayal cuts deep and impacts the flow of a relationship for a long time. As a result, someone telling you to simply get over it won't work and will likely make matters worse. Research published in Behaviour Research and Therapy found that the effects of betrayal include shock, loss, grief, damaged self-esteem, self-doubt, and anger. But this isn't the only part about this insensitive phrase that stings; in truth, saying this phrase also shows just how little a person who harbors secret hate for you cares about your feelings.
6. 'It's not that big of a deal, you're overreacting'
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Saying that someone is overreacting because of hurt feelings is a glaring red flag that they don't really care about this person. Someone who is truly remorseful about their actions will put in the work to atone for their errors and regain the trust of their friend or loved one. As research has found, even a simple thing like apologizing can increase empathy toward the offender. Unfortunately, people who harbor secret hate for you will never apologize or admit their mistakes. You can expect them to sidestep responsibility and shift the blame to you for overreacting.
7. 'It's not my problem'
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When you go to a trusted friend or family member for help, it can feel like a punch to the gut to be met with indifference. If they say, "It's not my problem," it's incredibly dismissive of your feelings. Though upsetting, their behavior shows just how little they value you as a person. Because if they truly cared about you, they would do everything in their power to ensure that your needs are met.
According to a study published in Missouri Medicine, people who find themselves socially isolated experience an increase in depression and health problems. So, don't invest too much energy in people who harbor secret hate for you. Not only are they insensitive and inconsiderate, but they simply don't care either way — and you don't want someone like that in your life.
8. 'I don't see why you're so upset'
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"I don't see why you're so upset" is a phrase people use when they harbor secret hate for you. People who can't relate to you or don't even want to try will usually question why you're upset. Not understanding their actions or the consequences of them, they'll give you a blank stare and push your buttons until you finally relent. Though this type of behavior is unacceptable, it also isn't anything new for hateful people who lack empathy for others. People won't take responsibility or admit when they're wrong because, according to a study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, they may be trying to protect their self-esteem.
9. 'I'm just being honest'
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While something is refreshing about people being honest with others as well as themselves, it's incredibly disrespectful when a person is overly honest to the point of being rude and condescending. If honesty comes at the expense of other people and their feelings, you have to ask yourself if it's really about honesty at all. For people who harbor secret hate for you, you don't need to accept their biting words disguised as honesty. Stand up for yourself against passive-aggressive behavior and rude comments that make you uncomfortable.
10. 'I've had it worse than you'
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Everybody experiences difficulties at some point; after all, that's just life. Whether it's losing a job or going through a difficult breakup, these difficulties shape us dramatically. However, not once should you look at someone and say, "I've had it worse than you," to undermine their experiences. Unfortunately, uncaring people say things like this. And, as it stands, people who harbor secret hate for you will use this phrase to get their point across, one-upping you in the process, likely to make themselves feel superior. It doesn't mean you have to stand for it. When someone tries to undermine you, cut the conversation short, and if that doesn't work, walking away is the next best thing.
11. 'It's not my fault you feel that way'
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People who harbor secret hate for you don't care about you or how you feel. They may refuse to look you in the eyes and brush off your concerns by pointing out that they aren't in control of your emotions. Sure, only you can dictate your actions, but it doesn't mean their words don't have a profound effect on your emotions.
Changing courses and choosing to distance yourself is the best way to go; by doing this, you're not only ensuring that your mental health remains intact, but you're also distancing yourself from people in your life who aren't bringing you joy, love, and positivity.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.
