6 Powerful Ways To Support Someone Who Doesn’t Know How To Love Themselves, According To A Therapist
Loving yourself will help show them the way.
Nini FromParis | Unsplash Too many relationships end in frustration because one person feels inadequate and burdened because they don't know how to support a partner who doesn't know how to love themselves. Yet, with a few useful tools, you can be more supportive and avoid feeling overwhelmed.
Before we open our hearts to someone who doesn't love themselves, let’s consider where that originated. Foundational attachment theorists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby explored how it is often inadequate bonding in childhood that leads to such insecurity. When a person did not experience the necessary care in their earliest years, they can become desperate for attention and show it in various less-than-positive ways.
Here are 6 powerful ways to support someone who doesn’t know how to love themselves, according to a therapist:
1. Show unconditional positive regard
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
You are not responsible for your partner, but your acceptance and empathy will contribute to their personal growth and happiness in a way that nothing else can and will. More than anything, your attention, care, and respect have the potential to shape their self-concept and nurture self-esteem.
There will be times when this is not as easy or simple to do, and it is then that I suggest you do this focus exercise I have found so useful.
2. Focus on their strengths
Cast Of Thousands via Shutterstock
It can be tiring to support someone who isn't cheerleading themselves. So get a stash of index cards, and list their strengths, contributions, assets, and improvements as they appear.
Then, like a detective, make notes and occasionally share. Your partner will beam when you say. "You are really good at making people feel special," or "I can’t thank you enough for helping me with my resume."
Consistently highlighting their positives and modeling yours will go a long way. The Journal of Family Theory & Review emphasized how enhanced coping abilities, reduced stress, and strengthened relationships are dependent on the timing, content, process, and reciprocation of support to be effective.
3. Be a self-esteem mirror
ITimBo via Shutterstock
It is hard to resist being self-positive when the person around you consistently treats themselves and others well. So speak highly of yourself, stay hopeful when life takes a nose dive, and flood them with examples of encouraging others.
Don’t stop there. Show them what self-care, life balance, and self-compassion look like. When this is consistent and authentic, there will be room for you to speak out when their behavior affects you negatively.
4. Speak up and avoid criticism
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock
A relationship can’t flourish without honesty, and you won’t be happy if you have to tiptoe around all the time. The question is, how do you speak your mind without wounding?
It isn’t as hard as you think, but there are a few rules. The good news is that learning and following these rules will improve any relationship. And we all should be observing these.
Rule 1: You can’t complain daily (one in seven is enough) and never in “brutal honesty.”
Rule 2: Be direct and focus only on a single issue. You can say,“ Please clean all the dirty dishes when it is your turn.” Or “Let’s talk about keeping the kitchen clean.”
What you can’t say is, “You never clean up after yourself.” Can you feel the difference?
Rule 3: Your body language and facial expression must be relaxed and conversational. Don’t let your body say that your words are untrue.
You may be wondering, what happens when speaking up does not result in changed behavior? Healthy boundaries will demonstrate your limits.
5. Know and apply your boundaries
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
Some people have brick wall boundaries, while others draw a line in drifting sand. Make sure your boundaries are reasonable and well thought out. It is very confusing for your S.O. when your limits are ever-changing.
Before you set them, be clear that you will stand by them. Boundaries help you love your S.O. and get what you need in the relationship. But accepting abuse won’t.
6. Never tolerate abuse
fizkes via Shutterstock
Boundaries say no to negative behavior, while tolerating abuse says yes to those behaviors. Your commitment to loving someone who doesn't love themselves will fail if you excuse or accept any form of abuse.
Have you heard the expression, ”Hurt people hurt people”? Do not risk the hurt person in your life escalating to hurt you. This is especially dangerous in a love relationship. A Pediatric Research study reviewed the link between childhood adversity, traumatic stress, and its physical and mental health impacts that can carry into adulthood if untreated.
You can wholeheartedly love the one who doesn't love themselves by keeping these simple rules in mind.
Reta Walker is a relationship therapist with over 25 years of experience, specializing in helping couples get back on track.
