If Your Relationship Has These 5 Habits, It’s Probably A Really Good One
Michael Obstoj | Pexels Some of the most incredible people in our lives — often, romantic partners — challenge us to be the best version of ourselves, which is what we should strive for in our relationships and over the course of our lives.
Marriage and relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., is a top researcher who studies couples and the issues that divide them. Gottman found that there are four distinct behaviors that are the most likely predictors for divorce, which he refers to as the Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, and criticism.
While these are all associated with each other, criticism plays a fundamental role in Gottman's three other key predictors for divorce. (Even stonewalling can be the result of one or both partners being overly critical toward each other and involves an internal dialogue that feeds into one's contempt and resentment toward the other.)
On the other hand, there are a handful of unglamorous habits that suggest you're in a really good relationship. If your relationship has these habits, it's probably doing far better than you think even if it doesn't always feel like the most exciting thing in the world. (Hint: that's a good thing.)
If your relationship has these 5 habits, it’s probably a good one:
1. You both accept what you can't control
We all get frustrated over large and little things we want to change or, in our minds, improve, fix, or do a better job of in the first place. But none of us has time to be everywhere at all times in every capacity to take care of every little thing. So you need to learn to let go. You'll also have to learn how to communicate with your spouse better, even when you’re angry.
If the success of a marriage is grounded in respect and equality, then contempt — a combination of disrespect and disgust — is its evil twin. The contemptuous person is steeped in moral superiority and considers their spouse to be unworthy of time, respect, or basic consideration. Recognizing and reconstructing your communication patterns is important because contempt is an accumulation of stewing emotions.
2. You fight without attacking each other
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You may not understand what’s happening in your marriage. Your contempt may rage inside you that you actually look for ways to make your spouse feel as beneath you as possible.
But if you want your marriage to have a chance of surviving, you have to stop the destructive behavior. Stop yourself from spewing sarcasm and cruel comments at your spouse. Refuse to put down your spouse, no matter what you feel.
At the very least, while you work on your own role in your marriage, stop your contemptuous behavior. Disappointment and other negative emotions turn into resentment.
Resentment gets buried deep inside — and then it festers. And eventually — inevitably — it leaks out as sarcasm, name-calling, judgments, mocking, and mean humor. Overcoming contempt involves much of the same strategy as preventing it in the first place. And at the heart of the effort is communication, with yourself and with your spouse.
3. You look inward when resentment builds
Contempt comes from a build-up of uncommunicated — or miscommunicated — disappointments and dissatisfactions. Perhaps you've tried to communicate your needs to your spouse in the past and haven’t gotten the response you want or need. Maybe you honestly believe that your spouse doesn’t care about you or love you. Perhaps you feel alone in your marriage.
Whatever it is that's fueling your contempt, you need to define what that is so you can begin to find healthy ways to address it. It may be something specific to you and your past, and perhaps have nothing at all to do with your partner at all.
But you need to do the emotional work to find the fuel behind the fire so you can snuff it out and grow, not only as an individual, but striving toward a better relationship — always. Working with a therapist on this delicate matter can help you gain clarity more quickly and help you separate what parts are really about you from what may be really about your spouse.
4. You complain without criticizing
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Complaining probably isn’t something you would think of as a positive tool for overcoming contempt toward your spouse. But if you follow Gottman’s three-part formula for presenting a complaint, you increase your chances of getting your needs met.
Begin by expressing a feeling — not a judgment or criticism: "I feel sad/worried/hurt…" Then, describe the situation or behavior that leads to that feeling: "... when you don’t respond to my messages during the day.”
Finally, state a positive behavioral change that you need in order for you to feel better: "Would you please make time to respond at least twice during the day so I know you have read my messages?"
What’s important about the complaint process is that you engage in the healthy presentation of your feelings and needs. And you work together toward a resolution that works for both of you.
Moral superiority can’t survive in the context of a relationship, because you own your feelings and make change requests. Your focus is on the behaviors you want to see changed, not on the other person.
5. You lead with empathy during conflict
Empathy is essential to the success of a marriage. It involves respecting the other person so much that you care to understand more deeply what the person is feeling by trying to put yourself in their shoes.
The effort to understand means you have to ask questions, listen with the intention to learn, and validate the feelings expressed. Empathy and contempt can’t co-exist because they're polar opposites. So, if you truly want to stop feeling contempt in your marriage, open your heart and keep an open mind, too.
Make emotional, and even spiritual, room for your spouse and all that they need to feel seen, heard, and felt. Be kind to your heart’s guests. Seek to understand and validate what you've been condemning.
It’s difficult to imagine that two people who once had a united vision for love and life could be tragically driven apart by contempt. But contempt is insidious, and it almost guarantees a grim specter ahead. It's a lose-lose situation if both partners can’t commit to owning their feelings, actions, and the roles they play in creating a comforting environment for keeping the lines of communication open between the two of them.
Further, each should work toward providing the utmost in safe spaces where both partners can be vulnerable and seek solace. Don't forget that there are resources that can help you along the way, step by step, such as seeking professional help. You may need the intervention and guidance of experts who specialize in at-risk relationships.
If you've allowed your relationship to slide south for this long, you may feel like it's a lost cause to try to turn it around now. But you can keep hope alive by actively learning how to stop feeling overly critical toward your partner, and showing them how seriously committed you are to creating a relationship that's stronger than ever before.
Show how your hypercritical ways have changed and how you've replaced them with new, healthy relationship behaviors. And if you can reconnect with your memories of happiness and gratitude while continuing to make new ones, you can still get that loving feeling back, along with your relationship back on track.
Dr. Jerry Duberstein, Ph.D., is a couples therapist, and his partner, Mary Ellen Goggin, JD, is a relationship guide. They lead private intensive couples retreats and are the co-authors of "Relationship Transformation: Have Your Cake and Eat It Too."
