You Might Have 'Wendy Syndrome' If These 8 Things In Your Relationship Feel Way Too True
You're treating him like a child, not a man.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva Wendy is the woman behind Peter Pan. She deals with everything he doesn’t want to do, giving him the freedom to just exist. So, now that we know who Wendy is, what does it mean to have Wendy syndrome? Wendy syndrome is the tendency for women to act like mothers to their romantic partners. Wendy syndrome is the opposite of Peter Pan syndrome.
People with Wendy syndrome take the lead in a relationship, taking care of responsibilities and making decisions. Wendy is well aware of Peter’s tendency to be unreliable, so she accepts it and adjusts. Wendy syndrome is primarily found in women, though men can have it, too.
It might seem outdated, but nothing could be further from the truth. Women everywhere put the needs of their men above their own. If Peter Pan represents immature men, Wendy is a representation of women who pick up the slack for those men.
The root cause of Wendy syndrome can be found in family history and upbringing. Many women who suffer from it have felt unprotected as children, so they want to give others what they did not have. People who have Wendy syndrome emulate the love and concern they wish their parents would have given them as children and shower their men with it, whether they deserve it or not.
You might have “Wendy syndrome” if these 8 things in your relationship feel way too true:
1. You put the needs of others above your own
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Selflessness is a beautiful thing. But don’t confuse it with self-sacrificing. People with Wendy syndrome find it necessary to constantly tend to the needs of others and take on issues that don’t belong to them. Those with Wendy syndrome place the needs of other people above their own and sacrifice what they want to make others feel good.
This is a codependent dynamic where Wendy relies on being needed for self-worth, and Peter relies on Wendy to avoid responsibility. Research recommends that once you understand that you are in an unhealthy relationship, you can begin to stop doing things for your partner to help them recognize the need for change.
2. You make yourself believe that doing for others is your purpose
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If you have Wendy syndrome, you likely believe that taking care of people is akin to love and that it makes you feel good. You want to be there for the people you love. However, Wendys usually attach to Peter Pans who take no responsibility in the relationship and leave them to shoulder the burden. This usually leads to burnout and resentment.
This behavior can include making decisions for others, taking on their responsibilities, and providing one-sided emotional support, often to the detriment of one's own well-being. Research argues that this dynamic can lead to a neglect of one's own needs and well-being.
3. You are scared to end up alone
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Wendys are scared that one day, their Peter Pan will find a new source to mother him through life. They never want people to stop needing them. The idea of being alone with no one to care for makes you terrified. Your ability to please people is closely tied to your self-esteem, so being left is a particularly low blow.
This dynamic can lead Wendy to feel resentful and taken advantage of, while Peter might feel smothered. One study indicated that the relationship often falls apart when Wendy experiences burnout from constantly giving without getting anything in return.
4. You walk on eggshells
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If you have Wendy syndrome, your habit of putting people above yourself and your constant fear of abandonment lead you to walk on eggshells. You want — no, you need — to be important. Nothing makes you feel more worthless than rejection. So, people with Wendy syndrome try not to upset others, burying any divisive thoughts or ideas they might have.
One study found that they are hypersensitive to signs of potential rejection, even when they aren't real, and may misinterpret a partner's actions as a threat of abandonment. This fear is often tied to a fragile sense of self and feeling unworthy of love, which is why they may excessively change their own likes, dislikes, and behaviors to match a partner's.
5. You try to do it all
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Wendys take on more than they should. You want to be seen as a superwoman, and you have to be needed. So no matter how exhausted you get, you continue to do it all. Your service doesn’t stop at your duties. You take on responsibility for your partner’s and children’s needs as well, leaving everyone else to go with the flow.
This behavior stems from a need for validation and can manifest as taking on all responsibilities, making decisions, and making excuses for the other person. Research urges you to reflect on whether your actions are helping or hurting you and the relationship in the long run.
6. You have the wrong idea about love
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In Wendy’s mind, love and sacrifice go hand in hand. You believe that being hurt and giving up things that are important to you are just part of loving someone. In true self-sacrificing fashion, you allow transgressions that should be a dealbreaker to be swept under the rug, along with your hurt feelings and broken heart.
These individuals believe that authentic love requires constant self-sacrifice and an excessive sense of duty and obligation to their partner. Research has revealed that these individuals are motivated by a need for external validation and esteem, believing that by being indispensable to someone, they are also valuable and worthy of love.
7. You are matriarchal
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Your relationship with your partner is more parent-child than one of romantic love. You know that he or she is irresponsible and unreliable, so you spend a lot of time cleaning up their mess. If your partner has to be up at a certain time, you set your alarm clock to make sure they get there. If they have paperwork to fill out, you complete it for them. You are definitely a Wendy.
Research has found that a healthy matriarch provides guidance and care but respects the boundaries and independence of other adults in her family. The transition from a healthy matriarchal role to the codependent pattern of Wendy syndrome happens when the caretaking becomes unbalanced and driven by unhealthy motivations.
8. You are controlling and co-dependent
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Underneath all that helpfulness, Wendys really wants to control their relationships. By making your partner depend on you to make it through life, you feel indispensable, and that feels good. Wendys will even encourage codependence in their mates by making them believe that doing things on their own is impossible. This is a great way to keep them under your protective, motherly wing.
Like those with Peter Pan syndrome, people with Wendy syndrome don’t see themselves as part of the problem. However, they both work together to enable one another. Relationships should be reciprocal, with two mentally stable, well-adjusted people coming together to make each other’s lives a little better. If you suffer from Wendy syndrome, it’s time to cut the umbilical cord.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
