13 Concrete Signs Your Relationship Is Pretty Much Doomed To Fail, According To Psychology
They might seem harmless, but these habits often suggest something is majorly off.
Katerina Holmes | Pexels For many couples, a relationship eventually comes to a giant fork. One direction heads to happily ever after, and the other is doomed to failure. When this fork comes, it’s perfectly natural to wonder if the signs are concrete or illusions.
No one, not your therapist, mother, best friend, or an online article, can tell you when your relationship is over. Only you and your partner can decide when you to notice warning signs.
Here are thirteen concrete signs your relationship is doomed to fail, according to psychology:
1. Your relationship lacks communication
Saying that no communication in a relationship is a bad sign may be met with a huge, "Duh!" and deservedly so. But communication and affection are the most integral parts of a relationship.
If your "I love you" and "how are you" have turned into little more than "Don't forget to pick up milk," consider your relationship in trouble.
2. Intimacy has all but disappeared
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The absence of a romantic life may seem inevitable when two people have been together for so long, as intimacy and relationships go hand in hand for some, but sporadic intimacy is different than no intimacy.
If being intimate has become a chore rather than a jolly good time, your relationship needs some work.
3. You or your partner has low self-esteem
In a good partnership, people should lift one another, not bring them down. If you're second-guessing yourself and only staying above water because of hope, your relationship has already begun to drown.
Psychologist Lesley Goth explained, "It becomes a vicious cycle of low self-esteem when you accept love into your life that perpetuates the negative beliefs about yourself. For instance, if you continuously choose people who treat you poorly, you could be subconsciously choosing what you believe you deserve."
4. You have no time for each other
You don't need to spend every second with your significant other, but you should spend a lot of them. Spending time together is the most important part of a relationship because it helps you get to know your partner and helps the two of you connect more.
No time for one another is a classic sign that your relationship doesn't stand a chance. A study in Contemporary Family Therapy found "couples who spend a larger proportion of their time together talking reported greater satisfaction, perceived more positive qualities in their relationships, and experienced greater closeness."
5. You’re losing friendships
One of the difficult things about relationships is that they don't just merge two people. They also merge two social circles. Sometimes those circles mold together to form a larger radius, and other times they just leave everyone bent out of shape.
If you've been forced to stop seeing friends or family because your partner doesn't like them, you might be better off wondering less about how to know when to break up and instead actually doing it.
6. You don't have fun together
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People do all kinds of things to have fun — go out to the bars, play sports, go hiking, etc. If your list of fun things to do no longer involves your partner, there's a reason.
A couple that can’t play together is unlikely to stay together.
7. You keep score
A relationship is not a golf game; you don't need to keep score with miniature pencils. Routinely reminding your partner that you cooked last night, so they must do this night, or that you saw their family last weekend, so they must see yours this weekend, can quickly lead to the game being over.
8. You spend all your energy treading water
Maintaining a relationship is like running in place. It gets you nowhere. Instead, your relationship should be evolving. You should be building on your foundation, not smoothing over some gaping hole.
If things aren't going forward, they're spiraling out of control, and learning how to know when to break up might be an easy answer, right now!
Family relationship research from The University of New Hampshire suggested that, "Based on positive early experiences, couples quickly accrued barriers to breakup, e.g., cohabitation, marriage, children, family entanglement, that sustained the partnership despite declines in relationship satisfaction. The decision to leave stuck relationships was often motivated by maturing out of the relationship or becoming more aware of alternatives."
9. You always fight about the same problems
Fighting about the same things over and over until you wash, rinse, and repeat is not a healthy union. Fighting will always be a sign that a relationship is doomed. If you can't break the cycle, it might be time to yank out the plug.
10. You're given the silent treatment
Anyone who goes to their partner with concerns about a relationship should be met with receptive ears. Stonewalling (giving the silent treatment) and invalidating another person by giving them silent treatment means two things: Nothing will get fixed, and happiness will not return.
11. Support from your partner has dwindled
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Supporting your partner (and getting support from them) isn’t a relationship option; rather, it’s a necessity. If the support for hobbies, passions, and interests is a distant memory, your relationship may soon be one as well.
Studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed how giving support in a relationship enhanced mood and relationship emotions while decreasing stress for both partners.
12. You or your partner has a wandering heart
People talk a lot about a wandering eye, but that's not always a bad thing; people appreciate beauty. Instead, it's a wandering heart that leads to heartbreak.
If you or your partner are having emotional needs met elsewhere, your relationship is drastically broken.
13. You or your partner won't get help
The good news about all the above is that everything can be fixed — everything. But, very few people can do it alone; outside help is almost always necessary. If someone is unwilling to get help, the last straw has pretty much already been drawn.
There are plenty of signs that can warn you of impending doom to signal your relationship is over, and it's time to break up. Resentment, disrespect, dishonesty, mistrust, distance, defensiveness, and contempt. Just because the signs are present doesn't mean the relationship can't be fixed. However, if you see the signs of an unhealthy relationship, you might want to rethink staying together.
Learning how to know when to end a relationship is not an exact science. But, a union plagued with these signs needs a whole lot of changes or a willingness to get up and walk away.
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator specializing in dating, empowering men and women, self-esteem, and life transitions. He has 20 years of experience working to optimize human behavior and relational dynamics.
