If You Do These 5 Things When You Talk To People, You're More Intelligent Than The Average Person
epicimages | Canva In many ways, communication and learning to speak each other's "languages" is what intimacy and intelligence are really about. Dealing with the idiosyncrasies of talking to people can often feel insane. You might even want to ask your partner, “Why can’t you just ask for exactly what you want instead of hinting?”
As frustrating as this may be, these little subtleties — the nuances in your romantic relationships — are the backbone of intimacy, connection, and the fun and play that comes along with learning each other’s language. This is what makes the experience of a relationship what it is. If you had it all figured out, you’d just be boring robots.
If you struggle to talk to people, especially your partner, I bet you have lots of "secret codes" for things you want and need. So how can you get what you need by coming a little closer to the center, and do so in a fun and playful way?
If you do these 5 things when you talk to people, you're more intelligent than the average person:
1. You incorporate humor
Sometimes when a situation seems do-or-die, the best thing to diffuse emotion can be play and humor. It may feel like an incredibly risky move when emotions are high and seem endlessly complicated to poke at something that is “very serious.”
But the fights I’ve been in that ended up getting resolved were always when my partner and I could take a step outside, stop taking ourselves so seriously, and find a way to laugh. Men, this will often be your role: when there’s a window, take it.
Warning: This requires keeping a lot of attention to your partner and never coming from a place of being condescending or resentful. Offer communication with love, with a little more levity than is being experienced in the situation, and you may be surprised what ensues. It may look something like this:
Her: “You are a terrible boyfriend; you never do anything I ask!”
You: “Oh? I'm the world’s worst boyfriend? OK, I agree. And what do you hate about me most?”
2. You take the attention off of yourself
Antonius Ferret / Pexels
You’re a feeling being. You almost always know when someone is present or checked out when you’re engaging with them. In a relationship, it’s especially important to trust that your partner loves and cares about you, isn’t going anywhere, and is committed to making the partnership work.
If you can create that as your baseline level of connection and commit to believing them, your head won’t be as polluted with doubt, fear, chatter that you’re not good enough, she doesn’t love you, she’s going to break up with you and leave you for the coworker she always talks about, etc.
When your mind is constantly being filled with those voices, you’re not present, and you can’t feel each other. Decide you’re a worthy and capable partner from the start, and the attention you’re able to provide will expand, and you both open and express more than you knew was possible.
3. You listen to how you actually speak
You can feel when something doesn’t land or wasn’t received. Listen to how you feel when you’re communicating with your partner. Does it feel open, easy, inflow, or is there charge or residue from perhaps a previous discussion that didn’t get all the way handled?
Your body gives you real-time feedback during conversations, and paying attention to those signals actually helps you communicate better. Research shows that people who can tune into their internal cues tend to regulate their emotions more effectively and respond more thoughtfully to others.
Trust this and offer, “Did something I said earlier upset you? Is there anything on your mind? Do you need anything from me?”
Trust what you feel and extend yourself to name it. You don’t always have words for what’s going on, but don’t be afraid to venture into potentially difficult territory.
What’s on the other side is more intimacy and connection. Be willing to say the uncomfortable thing, and you’ll almost always be rewarded. Be willing to risk for the connection.
4. You take into account that everyone's trying their best
Polina Zimmerman / Pexels
When you come from a place of love, compassion, and empathy, things have a way of working out for the better. To the best of your ability, try to remember your partner is their own person, with their own unique flaws and experiences that made them who they are and got them here.
When you approach conversations with compassion instead of judgment, it genuinely changes the dynamic. Studies show that people who lead with empathy and give others the benefit of the doubt are seen as more caring and accepting, which creates stronger, more satisfying relationships overall.
They have various skills and challenges, and their own set of voices in their head running all the time. They’re trying their best, given the tools they’ve been taught or given. Assume the best in them and make it your goal to help them win with you.
Be as clear as you can when you can’t come back to connection with vulnerability and honesty about where you were coming from and what you need. Ask them to do the same for you. Sometimes everyone needs a reminder of, “I love you, and I’m doing my best.”
5. You stay curious
It can be difficult to stay conscious during heated or challenging arguments or discussions. As a follow-up, listen to your body, and always stay curious.
Use your attention to ask questions, learn what’s going on with your partner. If you’re tuned in and find yourself genuinely curious about a certain statement, comment, trust yourself and ask!
Curiosity keeps you open during tough conversations instead of shutting down or getting defensive. Research finds that curious people are better at tolerating uncertainty and staying engaged even when discussions get heated, which leads to more productive exchanges and closer connections with others.
Perhaps there was an answer that landed a certain way in your body. You might ask something like, “What just happened there? What did you mean by that?” A bonus note is to always ask permission before asking said question. “Can I ask you something?” Then follow up with what you want to know more about.
Remember, if you’re coming from a place of connection, love, and that they’re doing their best, it will come across in your communication and open spots that might have previously been an impasse or stuck place.
Samantha Benigno is a scientist, educator, psychotherapist, and former senior clinical coach, and has received training in modalities of treatment that include CBT and MBCT, DBT, biofeedback, yoga therapy, and hypnosis.
