The Science Of Great Conversation: 4 Simple Habits Of People Everyone Loves Talking To
Research shows small tweaks to our conversational style can help us feel more connected and loved.
Getty Images | Unsplash My best conversations are with my friend Rich. He doesn’t have extraordinary speaking talents or the ability to tell side-splitting jokes. It’s just that after talking with Rich, I somehow feel happier. More connected. Less anxious. And so does virtually everyone he meets.
As Rich has shown me, a good conversation can make you feel alive. It can stave off loneliness and brighten your mood in ways few other things can. You know what it feels like when you’ve reached this conversational peak: close, supportive, fascinating, magical.
But of course, not all talks go well. At times, we get stuck in painful exchanges — the work meeting that devolves into idle gossip, the cocktail party that’s dominated by a windbag, the neighborhood potluck where new parents can’t stop comparing the size and frequency of their babies’ poops.
In such situations, you may feel your only option is to make a run for the exit. But behavioral scientist Allison Wood Brooks, author of the new book Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, sees a better way.
“We can learn to have better,” she writes. “Learning to converse even a little more effectively can make a big difference for the quality of your close personal relationships and friendships, for how you come across in your everyday interactions, for your professional success, and for the impact your existence will have on the world.”
Talking is like a game of chicken. Talking is such an everyday act that we assume it should just flow naturally. But it’s actually surprisingly tricky. In real time, turn by turn, you and your partner have to decide whether to stay on topic, gradually drift, or launch down a whole new path. At the same time, the goals for the talk continue to emerge and shift.
At one point, you might think you’re visiting with your friend to give her space to cry — but then you discover she just wants to vent. Or you might meet with your boss to request time off — but then he launches into the details of a new project he wants you to manage.
In this way, conversations may feel like a game of chicken, in which two people hurtling toward each other must decide moment by moment whether to veer left or swerve right to avoid a nasty collision. The chaos may seem impossible to navigate, but fortunately, Brooks lays out four research-backed principles for strong and enjoyable conversations. They form the acronym, TALK: Topics, Ask, Levity, and Kindness.
Here are 4 simple habits of people everyone loves talking to:
1. Talk: Have good topics to bring up
To have a successful verbal exchange, you and your partner must have a topic. But few people give thought to this obvious fact. Consider your last dinner party: Did you spend more time thinking about what you’ll wear than what you’ll talk about once you get there? If so, you’re in good company.
Research in progress by Brooks and her team suggests that only about 18% of us prepare topics for conversations, and more than half fear that doing so will make our talks feel forced or artificial.
But prepping topics doesn’t mean making a spreadsheet of talking points. It’s simply an insurance policy for the moments when the conversation loses steam. Research suggests that spending just 30 seconds to plan a few subjects makes conversations brighter — with fewer awkward transitions, conversation gaps, umm-ing, and uhh-ing.
“Topics we can talk about with anyone include big, abstract topics that tap into the human experience — like What have you been excited about lately?, or What can we celebrate about you?” Brooks writes. “If the weather and the meal you just ate are the bottom rungs of the conversation ladder, these topics may help you climb out of the doldrums more quickly.”
These findings were confirmed through a new study that offers clues to reaching deeper engagement. Researchers tracked conversations between sets of friends and strangers as they talked, and scanned their brains in real-time. Afterwards, they asked participants to rate their level of delight and productivity during the conversation.
Surprisingly, the most enjoyable chats were not the ones where brain activity stayed perfectly in sync. Instead, among both friends and strangers, the best talks showed increasing divergence in neural patterns — suggesting that exploring new ideas and perspectives, rather than staying on familiar ground, leads to deeper, more satisfying conversations.
“Although people may think they should focus on finding common ground with new acquaintances,” the researchers wrote, “transitioning to exploring new ground could help people form relationships more effectively.”
2. Ask: Dig a little deeper with your questions
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Obviously, a stiff interrogation doesn’t make for a great conversation. But a conversation with no questions is just as bad. Without question, conversations risk unfolding as parallel monologues between unconnected speakers. On the other hand, when questions are explored, partners can respond and interact — enhancing learning, enjoyment, and likability.
This was demonstrated through a 2017 study by Brooks and her colleagues, which found that people who asked more questions in a 15-minute conversation were much better liked by their conversation partners. Likewise, in four-minute speed-dating conversations, singles who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to score a second date.
The “worst” conversations are what Brooks calls “ZQs”– Zero Questions. You’ve experienced a ZQ if you’ve found yourself cornered by a talkaholic who speaks nonstop about their kids, or if you’ve suffered through a date with someone whose favorite subject is themselves. A small study of 216 students from New Zealand found that nearly 5% of people could be classified as talkaholics who, once they get going, can’t seem to find the brakes.
Another nasty conversational habit is something Brooks calls boomerasking — the habit of posing a question as an excuse to talk about yourself. For example, after asking you about your weekend, a boomerasker will barely let you answer before turning the spotlight back around. “That sounds cool,” they might say, feigning interest. “As for myself, I spent the weekend skydiving with Harry Styles.”
3. Levity: Lighten the vibe
Humor makes conversations fun. This doesn’t mean you need to join an improv-comedy troupe. Successful humor rarely means cracking jokes. It means maintaining a lightness and a gentle wit and offering compliments to keep everyone feeling playful, safe, and engaged.
The sparkle of levity makes us behave and think differently. Research suggests it provokes greater creativity, leading people to generate more ideas. It builds relationships and reduces stress and anxiety. It even helps people sing better — louder, more rhythmically, and more on pitch.
When Brooks asked her students to record a conversation with their best friends, nearly everyone employed a staple of the comedy toolkit: the call-back. Call-backs are references to topics discussed together in the past — a type of conversational time capsule of a shared memory, inside jokes, or go-to anecdotes that continue to generate laughs.
Call-backs “help us rediscover the details of our shared past,” Brooks writes. “Even if they weren’t that interesting or exciting the first time around, revisiting them together can be extraordinary.”
4. Kindness: Give them what they're looking for
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Perhaps the most important ingredient in a good conversation is old-fashioned kindness. The kind conversationalist’s job, Brooks says, is to figure out what their partner needs. Whatever that is — encouragement, feedback, ideas, a good belly laugh, a sounding board, or something else — kindness means helping them get it.
You can discover what your partner needs by active listening. But research has found that in conversations with strangers, people listen attentively only 76% of the time. The mind wanders during the rest. That’s nearly a quarter of the conversation lost to inattentiveness.
The solution, Brooks says, is active listening, which she calls the “all-important glue that holds the TALK maxims together.” Use it by asking follow-up questions, paraphrasing, giving credit to previous speakers, and incorporating kind statements.
But what exactly are kind statements? An intriguing study by a team of computer scientists at Stanford University provided insights. Researchers examined body camera footage from 981 traffic stops conducted by officers from the Oakland Police Department. After analyzing the conversations that took place during this universally stressful encounter, the scientists ranked 36,000 officer statements in terms of how respectful, polite, friendly, and informal they were.
Their analysis revealed distinct patterns. Those that led to mutual respect and kindness between the officer and the driver included calling people by name, using a positive emotional tone, expressing appreciation, and, if necessary, making apologies. These are all common-sense strategies accessible to us all in our everyday lives — even when we’re not freaked out by that flashing red light in our rearview mirrors.
All of this brings me back to Rich — my friend who always manages to make everyone around him feel happier. While I doubt he has formally studied the science of talk, he consistently checks all the boxes for successful conversations — sharing topics, asking questions, injecting levity, and showing kindness.
It’s no surprise, then, that Rich is one of the most beloved people in our community. While I’ll likely never match his intuitive talent for making every encounter magical, I hope that with my newfound knowledge, I’ll have fewer conversational stall-outs and more genuine moments of human connection. And I hope that you do, too.
Kathleen Murphy is a longtime writer and frequent contributor to Medium, where she specializes in physical health, emotional wellness, and successful aging.
