8 Really Disturbing Signs You’re In Love With A Narcissist Who Knows Exactly How To Hurt You
You can't fix someone who enjoys watching you doubt yourself.
Oleg Fotografo | Shutterstock Narcissists are masters of manipulation and emotional control. They know how to twist your words, guilt-trip you into submission, and make you believe that everything wrong in the relationship is your fault. When you're in love with a narcissist, it's not only frustrating, but disorienting. They create a set of rules for you that they don't follow themselves, and that imbalance slowly wears down your confidence and sense of reality.
If any of this sounds familiar, you're not crazy or "too sensitive." You're caught in a relationship with someone who knows exactly how to hurt you — and does it to maintain control. Recognizing these disturbing patterns is the first step toward breaking free and rebuilding your sense of self. Here are eight really disturbing signs you're in love with a narcissist who knows exactly how to hurt you.
Here are 8 really disturbing signs you're in love with a narcissist who knows exactly how to hurt you:
1. They get angry when you change your mind
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"You said you were going to the movies at 6 pm. But now you're saying that you are going at 8 pm. How can you change plans like that?" Because you have this wonderful thing called free will.
Research shows that narcissists feel entitled to dominate others and every situation. When faced with an ego threat like criticism, failure, or reduced social regard, their unrealistically high self-expectations can crumble.
Human beings have the right to change their mind at any time, and for any reason. When you change your mind about something, it makes the narcissist feel a loss of control. They will try to get control back through silent treatment, guilt trips, and something called gaslighting, which you'll read about next.
2. They deny things they clearly said or did
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You could have sworn the narcissist told you they were picking Johnny up from school today. In fact, you double-checked with them. But now the narcissist is saying they never told you anything of the sort. Maybe I just imagined that, you think. You start questioning your version of reality.
Even if you have definitive proof that the narcissist said or did something, they will tell you that you misunderstood, or will blatantly lie and say it never happened. One of the ways narcissists get control is by making you constantly question your sanity. What better way to get control over you than by implying (or straight-out telling you) that you are crazy?
This phenomenon of denying or altering the truth is called gaslighting, and it is a hallmark trait of a narcissist. It is named after the 1944 movie Gaslight, where a husband manipulates a wife into thinking she's going insane. One of the ways he does this is by dimming and then brightening the gaslights in their home. When his wife mentions the lights changing, he claims that he has no idea what she is talking about.
3. They act perfect in public but cruel in private
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Narcissists like to look good and have their behavior perceived as being good. However, behind closed doors, it's another story. You feel like no one else sees the real person with whom you live.
Research shows that narcissists present two distinct faces to the world, each serving a specific purpose in their quest for admiration and control. This duality manifests as a charming, confident exterior masking a fragile, insecure core, with narcissists alternating between grandiose behavior and vulnerable states depending on the audience.
In couples therapy, your therapist may not even believe that the narcissist is who you say he is. Remember, narcissists are masters of manipulation.
4. They try to "win you back" when you leave
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What the narcissist fears most is perceived abandonment. The narcissist wants attention — whether it's good or bad attention doesn't matter. If you try to contact the narcissist or show them that you are upset about the silent treatment, they feed off that attention.
If you ignore the silent treatment, the narcissist will then try to reel you back in. This is sometimes referred to as "hoovering," like the vacuum. The narcissist will come on so strongly that you are now back in the same unhealthy relationship dynamic. That happy reunion will eventually be replaced by an even worse blowup than before.
5. They're stingy with you but splurge on themselves
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The narcissist tells you they didn't have enough money to get you a big birthday present this year. Then you see they have a bunch of new clothes in their closet.
The financial behavior of narcissists reveals a stark contradiction that often leaves their partners confused and frustrated. Research found that while adaptive narcissism was not linked with impulsive buying, maladaptive narcissism was significantly predictive of the impulsive buying tendency.
They expect you to pay for entertainment when the two of you go out — and if you don't pay, they guilt-trip you and tell you about all the times they paid for an activity. You reluctantly pull out your wallet again, because you don't want to deal with the blowback that you know is coming if you confront the narcissist.
6. Their gifts feel weirdly impersonal
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The narcissist will give you a birthday gift that has nothing to do with your interests. In fact, the gift they give you is so off the mark that you wonder if maybe your gift got mixed up with someone else's.
The gift looks like something that was just pulled off a shelf somewhere with little thought. These gifts are given when it's only you and the narcissist at home.
If you are being given a gift in front of other people, it may be an over-the-top gift that you know the two of you can't afford. Remember, the narcissist likes looking good in front of others.
7. They always ruin special occasions
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It seems like your partner/spouse gets really upset with you or does a disappearing act right before major holidays, like Christmas. You can't even remember what the fight was about, but it was a big one. In your mind, you go over and over what you might have done to upset the narcissist. The truth is, you may not have done anything at all.
Research on living with pathological narcissism found that relatives consistently described their narcissistic family member as requiring constant attention and needing to be in charge of everything. Narcissists hate having the focus off of themselves — you've been really busy with your holiday parties at work and in your social organizations (as you should).
Narcissists also have difficulty with what they perceive as their partner/spouse being happy, independent of them. So now you spend your holiday wondering where the narcissist took off to and beating yourself up about it.
8. They tell people you're the "crazy one"
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Remember how the narcissist told you their exes were all crazy, and how finally they were with someone stable (you)? You now find out through friends and relatives that your ex is telling them that you are insane.
And since everyone finds them to be charming (see number 3 above), you are concerned that these people will believe the narcissist over you. You may even have friends or relatives who take the narcissist's side.
You will discover that those are people you didn't really want around you anyway. Your true friends know the truth. This narcissistic behavior becomes more likely after a fight or if your relationship ends.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474, or log onto thehotline.org.
Stephanie Moulton Sarkis Ph.D. NCC DCMHS LMHC is a best-selling author and board-certified counselor.
