14 Behaviors That Make Couples Feel Deeply Connected To Each Other, According To Psychology
Consistency is nice in a relationship, but variation keeps you connected forever.
Leandro Crespi | Unsplash Relationships, like anything else, can get monotonous when the same routines are repeated without variation. It's the nature of how we adapt in life.
Maybe you've been together a few months, and things feel stale. Maybe you've been together for a few years, and life seems to have taken everything out of you, so all you can do is collapse at the end of the day.
Don't worry, you can stay deeply connected without a lot of time or money, and pour some effective excitement into your love life, whether it's been a little or a long while since you felt that spark.
Here are 14 behaviors that make couples feel deeply connected to each other, according to psychology:
1. Be physically affectionate
Hug your partner, rub their back, hold their hand, or offer a massage. Physical touch releases oxytocin and helps bond couples.
Oxytocin is released with physical touch, which has been shown to have lots of benefits, from feeling closer to being more generous and even having a stronger immune system. A 2023 study showed that affectionate touch was associated with decreased anxiety, lower feelings of burden, less stress, increased oxytocin levels, decreased cortisol levels, and higher happiness.
2. Smile when you're around each other
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Pretend as if a camera is following you around every time you interact with your spouse. How would you want to act if you knew you were being watched by others? Would you be kinder, thoughtful, and easygoing? Now act like that every time you are with your partner.
But keep in mind that the way you smile says a lot. A 2017 study in Psychological Science found functional smiles can be "tools for love, sympathy, and war". The researchers identified three primary smile motivators: the reward, the affiliative, and the dominant.
3. Don't just say you're sorry — change the behavior
We all mess up from time to time, say things we later regret, and do things we really shouldn’t. And yet, so often we justify these actions to ourselves and our partners. This can lead to resentment and defensiveness — not the ingredients for a happy relationship.
The next time you mess up, admit your mistake and then actually change the behavior. It will help your partner feel closer to you.
4. Take steps to feel good about yourself
This is for you and your partner. For example, when women feel good about their bodies, research on body image and marital satisfaction shows they are 19% more satisfied in their marriage.
Don’t worry. You don’t need to look like a model. Just taking steps to feel good about yourself can be helpful to you. As one of my clients said, “I just want her to feel good about herself. It makes me feel important.”
5. Listen to your partner
This tip is multifaceted. First, it is important to listen — listen — to your partner. Ask him about his day, and then actually be interested. (If you find it tough to be interested, you might want to practice some empathy skills training.)
One client who came in because he and his wife were considering a divorce lamented, “She never even asks me about my day. She just complains about hers.” Your partner wants to be heard and understood.
Another reason to listen to your partner is that your partner is telling you what they want from you. What kinds of things does he say or do to tell you that he loves you?
For example, when we were first married, I realized my husband often told me “I am so proud of you” when I was talking about my work. At first, I just said, “Thanks,” but then I realized that wasn't what he needed to hear from me. When I started telling him that I was proud of him, I could tell that he felt loved by me.
This ties into Gary Chapman's Love Languages, which I highly recommend you and your partner identify and use daily.
6. Have outside support and interests
Your partner cannot meet your every need — best friend, stress-manager, mentor, conflict-resolver, chick-flick watcher, sporting event spectator.
It's important that you have additional sources of support in your life. This will take pressure off your mate to be your everything.
Pursue your interests. Sure, it’s great to share common interests. But you also want to respect your areas of interest and follow those passions.
7. Do fun stuff together
If going to Target is the most exotic thing you tend to do on weekends, it's time for a change. And you don’t need a ton of cash or vacation days.
Choose to do something fun together. This could be watching a funny movie, going for a hike, trying a new restaurant, learning something new by taking a class together, volunteering, or working out together — anything new and positive can help boost the happiness in your relationship.
8. Focus on a win-win attitude
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Stop keeping score of all that you do (and all that your partner doesn’t). Stop your need to be right. People in healthy relationships don’t view themselves as two different sides. There is no “I win, you lose” mentality.
Instead, they focus on win-win. That means being willing to compromise, admitting when you're wrong, and focusing on being happy instead of being right, as supported by a study from the American Psychological Association (APA).
9. Don't just breeze past your hellos and goodbyes
When you and your partner reunite — at the end of a day, when one of you comes back from a trip, or even when you wake up — do something to show your love.
When your partner comes home, for example, stop what you are doing (within reason) and devote just a few seconds to being completely present with her. Give her a hug or kiss, look her in the eyes, and ask her how she is.
Put down your phone, pause the TV, turn down the stove — do whatever you need to focus, even just for a short amount of time, on your partner. You both will feel much more connected, as explained in a 2024 study from the Journal of Family Psychology.
10. Be respectful
Renowned American psychologist John Gottman is a pioneer in research about the longevity of marriages. In fact, in a longitudinal study, he was able to predict with 93.6% accuracy which couples would eventually get divorced.
Gottman identified what he refers to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships, which are predictors of relationship problems: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The quick antidote for these is to simply be respectful.
- Rather than criticizing, openly communicate without criticism.
- Instead of contempt, express disappointment without eye rolls or passive-aggressive comments.
- Ditch the defensiveness; it is important to take feedback so you and your relationship can improve.
- Rather than stonewalling, listen to your partner and have a constructive conversation when things are not going as smoothly as you would like.
Learn to communicate even your disappointments with respect.
11. Ask what the other wants
This one takes an open mind. Ask your partner, “What is one thing I can do this week to be a better partner to you?” The response may be surprising. The goal is not to be defensive — “I already do that anyway!” or “Yay, I wish you would do that, too!”
Instead, simply absorb what you hear and take steps to implement your partner’s desire (as long as it is within your moral boundaries). This is a great way to meet needs that you may not have even realized your partner had.
12. Spend more time showing love
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While you may think complimenting your partner will counter some negative “feedback” you provide, think again. The “magic ratio” is not 1:1, but rather 5:1, as explained by Dr. Gottman.
This means that in order to learn how to keep your relationship exciting and have an overall positive feel, you need to have at least five positive encounters (actions, statements) for every negative one.
The take-home? Spend more time telling and showing your partner what you love and appreciate about them, laugh more, and have more fun together. When you do, the tough times are easier to get through.
13. Drop the perfectionism
Stop expecting your partner (or yourself) to be perfect. Drop the all-or-nothing attitude — “You didn’t ask me about my presentation today, so you don’t care about me,” or “You didn’t want to be intimate last night, so you don’t find me attractive.”
Stop personalizing and generalizing your partner’s actions. Instead, accept where they are. Work on being more assertive by communicating your needs and wants respectfully. Forgive your partner, and move on.
14. Above all, be hopeful
Relationships, like life, have ups and downs. If you are on a downward slope right now, have faith: Things can get better.
Put some time, energy, and love into your relationship. Focus on being the best partner you can be. Get help if you need it.
And strive to see the positive in your partner and your relationship.
Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., is a Licensed Practicing Psychologist with an MS in physical therapy.
