If A Husband Has These 15 Qualities, Psychology Says He's One Of The Rare Ones
Finding a partner with al of these qualities is like striking gold.
lucas Favre | Unsplash When searching for a long-term partner or soulmate, people often have the misguided notion that they need to find their soul twin, with all of the same likes, dislikes, hobbies, taste in music and food, and (the list can go on and on).
However, the primary quality among the most essential ones in a good husband is compatibility. Compatibility is critical when finding someone who will help bring balance to the relationship, along with being emotionally available, stable, and ready for the leap into marriage. Of course, there are other significant qualities you should be mindful of when choosing your significant other for the rest of your life — and if any of these sound familiar, you've found a needle in the haystack.
If a husband has these 15 qualities, psychology says he's one of the rare ones:
1. He shares important core values with you
Values are those "rules of life" to inherently guide how you live your life. They're deeply rooted in personal beliefs and are fundamental to who you are. They're also difficult to change.
Connecting on a spiritual, emotional, and shared values level with a man you wish to marry is a key indicator of long-term marital success, according to a 2023 study. When you and your partner know you are on the same page, you'll feel more confident that he's truly the man you want to marry.
When you both think ahead into the marriage and know you can respect each other’s perspective on important marital issues (such as family dynamics, child rearing, finance, in-laws, roles, and responsibilities), you know you're making the right choice.
2. He's emotionally mature
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A responsible, emotionally intelligent man who can control his impulses shows true maturity. As such, he likely has the capacity to deal with the change, disappointment, stress, and conflict that life (and marriage) invariably bring.
A well-grounded man with a sense of balance can confront life and face ups (and especially downs) in a constructive way while remaining a resilient, supportive, and engaging partner.
Look for a man who can respond to a challenging issue responsibly, rather than react impulsively. Researchers looked at the relationship between emotional intelligence and marital satisfaction over 10 years in married couples and found "on average, emotional intelligence accounted for 40.8% of marital satisfaction."
3. He appreciates you and accepts your shortcomings
Appreciation goes a long way when creating a happy relationship. In fact, research in the Journal of Personality showed that feeling appreciated is a primary quality of a happy life.
If you don’t feel appreciated or loved by your man, you're paddling into dangerous waters. But when he openly demonstrates his respect and appreciation for you (with his words and actions), you know you'll live a happy life with your man.
That said, while he appreciates your qualities (good cook, caring, social, engaged, supportive), he should also accept your shortcomings (being a little messy, talking a bit too much, not being on time).
He must deeply recognize and accept that no one is perfect (including him). His overall view of you should be positive.
4. He manages conflict well
Arguments, disagreements, and conflict are not only unavoidable parts of any relationship, but also are necessary ingredients to forming a strong and lasting intimacy.
Many couples communicate destructively, leading to frustration, anger, and disconnection. Many other couples steer clear of having meaningful discussions at all to avoid fighting. But healthy communication is the basis of any successful relationship.
One of the most important factors that helps couples thrive is their ability to deal with different conflicts, manage difficult emotions (such as disappointment, frustration, and anger), de-escalate arguments, and disagree respectfully.
A man who shares his thoughts and feelings with you without reservation; a man who talks things out with you; a man who discusses difficult subjects with you and can disagree yet still come to some kind of resolution, is a man who has healthy communication skills and will make a great husband.
5. He's trustworthy
Trust is another crucial piece of the foundation for a successful relationship. Yet, it's important to understand that being trustworthy is a proactive role that requires a conscious effort, affirmed continuously by intentional decisions and actions.
When your man does what he says, when your partner does not lie, when your spouse acts assertively, and, most importantly, he's consistent with these positive qualities, then you know that your man is dependable and he will become a husband you can trust.
6. He makes your relationship a priority
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A frequent complaint I hear from women in my counseling practice is, "I don’t think he cares about me or the relationship," or, "He stays at work long hours," or, "He prefers to spend time with his friends rather than with me."
Often, couples find themselves dealing with the daily routine and necessities of life, only to find they're living parallel lives separated by a wide rift. They feel totally disconnected from each other.
To avoid this, couples must create positive shared experiences while still facing the more rote, mundane ones, and create experiences to cherish and look forward to.
Any man you marry should realize that relationships require commitment, constant effort, and investment. It's essential for a man not to neglect his woman. He can show interest in her life, plan date nights, and create common interests and shared activities.
7. You share a friendship
While attraction is important between two people in a relationship, having a foundation built on a solid friendship is vital for long-term partners like your husband.
For a marriage that's built to last, understand that your red-hot passion for each other will eventually fade, or, as they say, the honeymoon phase will come to an end. Eventually, you'll enter the "companionship phase" of your relationship, and you will still need to enjoy each other's company.
This isn't to say you're doomed to a platonic future that feels like an interminable, outstretched yawn. It simply means having a love that goes deeper than the memories you create in the bedroom.
8. He shows his respect for you
Mutual respect is critical in a marriage, or any long-term relationship, for that matter. This respect should extend to all areas, including your thoughts and opinions, your past, your career choices, how you choose to present yourself (e.g., how you do your makeup and the clothes you like to wear), and what you expect from him (within reason).
And while he's not obligated to worship the ground they walk on, he should be respectful of your friends, family, and coworkers.
9. You share a sense of humor
He may like stand-up comedy, while you can't stand it. That's not the point here. Like building a friendship, you will likely have your own inside jokes over time.
Further, he should have a sense of humor about life's inevitable curveballs and your occasional gaffes. It's important to be able to weather the lows in life with a good-natured sense of humor, or else everything will fall apart in a matter of months, according to research in Psychological Reports.
Additionally, we all make mistakes sometimes. If he can laugh off the little things, the two of you can focus your energy on more important matters instead of bickering over trivial ones. This goes both ways, of course. You need to be able to forgive a few fumbles here and there on his end, too.
10. He sees you as his partner in life
This goes hand-in-hand with respecting you and plays an essential role in how he manages conflict, too. It's essential to remember that both of you are on the same team working toward the same goals, or at least you're in each other's corners as one another's biggest cheerleaders in life.
As your teammate, he needs to remember that his life isn't all about him anymore. Any life decisions or ones that would otherwise affect you need to be addressed and worked out with you before pulling the trigger, because you now share a life.
Of course, he should immediately be kicked to the curb if he sees you as being inferior for any reason. Research in the Journal of Family Psychology helped explain whether he has misconceptions about how the power dynamic between a husband and wife ought to be, or otherwise has some skewed perception that influences him not to see you as his equal for whatever archaic reason.
11. He maintains his interest in you
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Hopefully, it should go without saying that your husband should be interested in you from day one. But he should continue to maintain his interest as your relationship grows into old age.
A study of marital satisfaction and leisure activity explained that even if he doesn't permanently decide to join in on the fun, he should at least show his interest in your interests because that's all part of what's involved in getting to know you better. It's a really great sign if he gives your favorite hobby a try or goes with you to a concert featuring your favorite singer.
12. He communicates well with you
The Journal of Marriage and Family explored how great communication is probably on par with compatibility in terms of how important its role is in your marriage and as an indicator of longevity for your relationship. It also ties in with every other quality on this list, so if it's not there, he's not husband material, and any hope of a good marriage is DOA.
Being able to communicate will save your marriage from perils like bottled-up feelings, resentment, and contempt because you will be able to talk things out in healthy discussions, even during the times you disagree and don't quite see eye-to-eye. Inevitably, you will have fights, but if he's a good communicator, you'll be able to work through the ups and downs you face together.
Part of communicating well goes back to seeing each other as partners, remembering that you're supposed to be on the same side and in each other's corners. He should be able to shift his perspective from fighting against you to fighting alongside you toward your shared vision for the life you share.
13. He is invested in your future together
Part of marriage is uniting two lives and promising to stay by each other's side for the rest of your lives. That means planning a future that includes the other person at all times.
A potential husband should start by showing how much he wants you in his future well before tying the knot. When making plans, he includes you and wants your input. Before you get hitched, he might show this by involving you in all the areas of his life. For example, he takes you as his date to his firm's holiday party, begins asking you to join family dinners and outings, and introduces you to his friends.
This becomes especially imperative once he becomes your husband and you're choosing where you're going to live, the house you're going to settle down in, whether you're going to have children (and so on). Your future is just as important to him as his own because he sees them as being intertwined.
14. Your friends and family like him
Not only does he get the all-important stamp of approval from the other people who are closest to you, but they actually like him! It's usually a death sentence when your friends and family disapprove of your significant other.
However, if they like him and think he's a terrific guy, it's a great sign that he's genuinely an excellent match for you, and you can be confident and optimistic about what the future holds for you two!
Your friends and family serve as good judges of red flags or whether something seems off in your relationship because they know you just as well, if not better, than he does. Moreover, they don't have rose-colored glasses like you and can develop a somewhat more objective opinion of your man, according to research in the Journal of Family Social Work.
Plus, the right guy will want to impress your friends and family and care about what they think of him because he knows this. And he knows that if he wants to win you over with the idea of marrying you, he needs to win them over, too.
15. He can teach you new things
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While he cares about your interests and hobbies, he's also game to invite you to enjoy his favorite pastimes. Maybe he's a major history buff and gets you into watching documentaries about American presidents, or he's really into cooking and wants to show you how to make pancakes using his mom's top-secret recipe.
When you travel together, and he knows the lay of the land, he can explain the importance of specific landmarks and show you all the best places to eat like the locals do. Or, when you're deep into a discussion about physics (what he geeks out on the most), he illustrates how Rayleigh scattering works by drawing on a napkin while waiting for your food at the restaurant you both love going to on your anniversary.
This keeps things lively and exciting, and it's also his way of showing you he cares. Another significant benefit is that this directly contributes to your continued path of self-growth. By offering you different perspectives and enlightening you about other things you never knew, you can grow as a person throughout your marriage and lifetime.
Many women come to my couples counseling practice asking for advice about their relationships, including questions about whether their partner has the qualities and characteristics needed to become a "successful husband." This is clearly not a scientific question since everyone is different. However, these general qualities of a good husband make a man more appealing, desirable, and a more successful life partner.
Moshe Ratson is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist (LMFT) and infidelity expert based in New York City.
