Empathetic People With Strong Peacemaking Skills Usually Say 6 Things In Tense Conversations
Yaroslav Astakhov | Shutterstock Conflict is never much fun. It can start with a disagreement or a misunderstanding, then, in almost no time at all, the conflict will flare up into a raging battle as soon as emotion takes over. The conflict enters a spiral of escalation, with both sides caught in the swirling chaos of never backing down or letting go.
The most empathetic people have a greater awareness of emotional control and recognize how important giving a little is when immersed in conflict with another person, especially in tense conversations. They know how to flex their peacemaking skills in order to keep things calm, without becoming a doormat others walk across.
Empathetic people with strong peacemaking skills often say these things during tense conversations:
1. 'Let’s focus on solving this, instead.'
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Life coach Sidhharrth S Kumaar recommends this phrase to help transform the conversation from an approach of conflict by blaming, to an approach of resolution through problem-solving.
Why it works: This phrase doesn't single out any one person as the trouble-maker or cause of a problem, it simply redirects participants' attention to the original goal. By doing this, someone with strong peacemaking skills is able to remove any accusation that would put a person on the defensive, which often derails conversations and moves people away from understanding and productivity.
2. 'Help me understand your perspective.'
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By asking for elaboration on their perspective, adds coach Kumaar, it subtly puts the other person in a position to explain themselves, which can reveal flaws in their arguments once they hear themselves saying it.
You'll notice that these last two phrases focus on one thing: mutual understanding. Why? Well, when people feel heard and understood, they feel emotionally safe and validated, which helps them invest in the relationship or even workplace.
This might seem silly if you're saying this at work, but feeling seen and validated is important no matter what the nature of your relationship may be.
3. 'Thank you for telling me about that.'
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You can disagree with someone on the facts or principles, advises career coach Lisa Petsinis, but to effectively deal with a conflict, it’s essential to establish a foundation of respect and understanding. When someone feels heard, it opens the door to a more productive resolution. By sharing, “Thank you for sharing your perspective,” you’re validating the other’s point of view without necessarily agreeing with it.
This shows respect for the other person’s feelings and thoughts, creates space for understanding, and de-escalates the conflict. This is incredibly useful when conversations get heated, no matter the setting, especially when the goal is to help a person feel balanced rather than to get them to change their behavior.
This simple, yet powerful phrase demonstrates empathy, opening the door to better problem-solving and cooperation. It’s a smart way to keep conversations productive, allowing both sides to work together to find a solution.
4. 'I can understand how you feel that way.'
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Therapist Gloria Brame knows emotionally intelligent people don't lose their cool or resort to verbal punches when conflicts arise. They begin by letting the other person know they were heard and their feelings are acknowledged.
Nothing frustrates people more than feeling their opinions are being dismissed or ridiculed. By treating them respectfully, you create the opportunity to have a more productive and peaceful conservation, even if your opinions differ.
They may say things like, "Thank you for speaking your mind. I can see how you feel that way," or, "Can you explain that more fully so I get where you're coming from?"
Such phrases are apt to assure the other person you are listening and interested in learning more about their point of view. That usually defuses the tension and de-escalates conflict. It opens the door to a calmer, more productive conversation.
5. 'What is the problem we can address together?'
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From that shared understanding you can explore opportunities for mutual benefit, states career consultant Ruth Schimel.
Some common interests may be obvious or hinted at by similar experiences. Another approach is to explore together how to address issues or problems in common. Perhaps start with these actions:
- Discuss ideas for handling the shared issue or problem.
- Identify fears, anxieties, and areas of discomfort as a basis for opening frank conversation, transcending blocks, and doing mutual problem-solving. Emotions are often the motor force behind decision-making.
- Explore hopes and dreams together to appreciate where common proactive opportunities are.
6. 'I'm going to pause and not say anything so I can understand better.'
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It’s very easy to "unload" on your partner. It's much harder to listen. Active listening takes practice, asserts psychotherapist Joan E. Childs.
When you actively listen, you use all your senses to listen attentively to what your partner is saying. You convey interest through nonverbal cues, like eye contact and head nodding, or verbal signals such as saying "yes" or "mhmm" to encourage the speaker to continue.
Many people want to jump in and battle with their tongues. If you learn to listen, you'll be surprised at what you learn.
Your partner may have said something you missed by jumping to conclusions or making assumptions. Good listening is at least 50 percent of effective communication. Sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s what you hear.
Conflict resolution is a skill to be learned, practiced, and adapted to the person, situation, time, and place. It takes courage and foresight to be the person who can take the first step in de-escalating the evocative emotions of conflict. The first step is done inside themselves by regulating their reactions so they can respond in ways to seek solutions rather than amplify the problem.
Once the emotional turmoil inside is calmed, it is much easier to use a de-escalating phrase and begin working toward solutions.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
