3 Ways To Calmly Deal With Subtle (And Not-So-Subtle) Age Discrimination In Midlife
sixteen miles out | Unsplash It's funny how aging works.
My teenage boys work as gymnastics coaches with young children. They always get a kick out of asking the little five and six-year-olds how old they think they are. The answer is often 55 or so. My kids think this is hysterical, but if I heard that I looked 30 years older than I really am, I'd probably feel devastated.
When I think to myself, "I look younger than I am," I feel relief. I feel confident. I feel luckier than someone who's told they look older than they are. Why is this? Why is it not okay to look your age, or worse, look older than you are? The reality is ageism. It's alive and well in midlife. It's definitely received a decent amount of attention in the media, but how many of us have really checked in with our own thinking on this topic?
Sometimes it's tricky to figure out if the negative thoughts are coming from your own thinking or from a cultural norm about ageism: How okay are you really with growing older?
Here are three ways to calmly deal with age discrimination in midlife:
1. Check in with your own thoughts about aging
Notice how you feel when you think, "I look great for my age." You know that you feel good when you think you look good for your age, so you have a powerful tool at the ready.
That thought makes you feel confident, so train yourself to think it more often. That way, you know where you stand, no matter what anyone else has to say about your age.
An overview of 32 studies found that people who hold more positive self-perceptions of aging consistently report higher life quality and greater confidence in handling unexpected challenges that arise. The way you think about your own aging turns out to be one of the most powerful levers you have for how good you actually feel.
2. Prepare yourself for rude comments
Maria Lupan / Unsplash
Let's face it: rudeness is bound to happen, like when strangers touch pregnant women's bellies or people make sarcastic comments on the size of your nose. Just get ready for it. Why would you want to leave how you feel up to some random stranger's commentary?
Licensed therapist Jaime Bronstein makes a point worth keeping in mind for these moments: "Age is just a number, but patience and perspective actually mean something — and research shows that by focusing on the positives, age has far less impact on your confidence and self-esteem." When someone else's commentary catches you off guard, the fact that you've already done the work of deciding how you feel about your age is what keeps you from handing them any real power over you.
Knowing how you feel about your age is a great start. Having a witty comment ready to go will also help. For example, you could share a positive thought you personally believe about aging, like, "I love that I look my age, and I'm so proud of everything I've accomplished." Of course, you could also ask them, quite simply, "And you're telling me this because... ?" Shuts them right up.
3. Focus more on what you're grateful for with age
Midlife is a time of so much transition. Kids are growing older. Grandparents and senior parents are commonly widowed and need support, or they become ill themselves. Your friends are going through the same hard times.
Celebrate the fact that you're around to share your life and your love with the people in your world who need your love and support. Remember how much you have to offer, and no one will be able to get you down about your age!
Dr. Judith Tutin, a licensed psychologist, has observed that the people who age with the most contentment are the ones who stay rooted in what they actually have rather than what they feel they've lost. Gratitude, she suggests, is a consistent and protective way of thinking that keeps the noise of ageism from getting all the way in.
Connecting to your own thoughts about aging is important, especially because the whole midlife thing creeps up on you so quickly. Remaining confident and calm will help you stay open and honest about your age, and boost your self-esteem.
Suzy Rosenstein, MA, is a master certified life coach, midlife coach, mentor, and host of the popular podcast for midlife women, Women in the Middle.
