9 Behaviors That Slowly Rebuild Trust In A Relationship After A Seriously Big Fallout
How to find a ray of hope after trust has been severely broken.
Alina Rossoshanska | Canva By the time most couples come to my office for marriage counseling, they have tried everything they can on their own to work through the difficulties they're encountering. Now they've run into a wall that is either caused by accumulated sorrows, a significant crisis, or both.
Some couples can repair what's broken in their marriages or long-term relationships. In that first critical session following a big fall-out, we must make a tentative decision together as to whether there is hope for regeneration after trust has been majorly lost.
Here are 9 behaviors that slowly rebuild trust in a relationship after a seriously big fall-out:
1. Being attentive to what your partner says
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When one partner is speaking, whatever their tone of voice, the other partner is looking and listening to them. Even if there is disagreement, it is evident that what the other has to say is still important. Listen to your partner's feelings intently.
The partners may have a history of interruption, over-talking, dismissing, or minimizing, but will stop those behaviors when I ask them to and redirect their attention to what the other is saying. If I ask either of them to repeat what the other partner has communicated, they genuinely try.
When I ask them what they think the other is feeling or meaning, they want to learn to tell me. When either partner begins to cry or can't talk, the other stops the interaction until that distressed partner can resume. I see both are capable of stopping their own drives to be the "righteous one" and remembering there are two of them in the room.
2. Showing concern and compassion for one another
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Couples who have lost each other's trust and support, whether just recently or over a long period of time, may still show concern when expressing authentic heartbreak.
Suppose they are not able to use soothing words or gestures, especially if being blamed. In the moment, they can try to show consideration for their partner's distress through their body language or facial expression.
It is as if they know the breaking point and do not want to go there. Compassion rules over dominance when the other partner drops into a genuine place of heartache.
3. Remembering times that make you both laugh
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There are times when I've been with a distressed couple where it appears that the hostility between them has taken over the relationship. They are arguing about the way they are arguing. They are unable to find anything in the other worthwhile to listen to. They are interrupting, invalidating, and yelling at one another. I feel like a referee in a professional emotional boxing match.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, one of them refers to an experience they've shared in the past or something that is happening between them, and they both start to laugh. Research on the understanding of happiness explored how the tension is immediately gone, even for just a moment, and both look at one another as if they are really just good friends playing at hating each other.
Even if the fight resumes, it is evident that what they are talking about is not all of who they are, and I know I can get them down under their self-destructive interactions.
4. De-escalating conflict
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Every couple knows how far is too far. Sadly, that underlying knowledge does not always keep them from walking too close to that cliff, and many relationships end because of that sacrilege.
I can gauge the capacity for de-escalation when I see a couple recognizing they are too close to saying or doing something that the other cannot get past.
Seemingly out of nowhere, and certainly out of character, one or both stop the interaction or take it to a more caring place. They have a shared knowledge that certain words or ways of being may hurt too much to ever heal from, or some actions from the past cut too deeply.
They have an invisible pact that keeps them from going over the edge.
5. Not bringing up issues from the past
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It is natural for most people to use the past or other people to add clout to whatever they point out as valid in the moment. That is especially true when one partner feels they are losing the argument and feels that fortifying it with examples from the past or endorsements from other significant people will bolster its effectiveness.
Couples who are good communicators stay with one issue at a time and talk about what they need from each other in the present. They don't try to persuade the other of a position that will satisfy them at the expense of the other.
If one of them begins to falter, the other brings them back to the problem at hand, and that tactic is not only accepted but appreciated. Talk one problem out at a time, and when you have reached the end, forgive your partner and move on to move forward.
6. Re-establishing a basic level of trust
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No matter how angry, hurt, or vengeful a couple acts toward each other in that first session, I can see their distress with the situation in no way suggests their partners are fundamentally flawed or damaged people incapable of change, redemption, and acceptance.
Challenges of acts of behavior are very different from character assassinations. The issue at hand may have sorely undermined the relationship in their current crisis or long-term distance, but they would never state that the other person was unworthy of their love or basic respect.
Research helps explain how rebuilding trust, though extremely hard, is not impossible. It may take a long time, but if couples stick to their plan, trust can be rebuilt.
7. Being accountable for your actions rather than blaming one another
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Pointing fingers as to who is to blame is a power play and can quickly turn into emotional abuse. There is a bad guy who must be apprehended, and the good-guy victor wins the battle — but loses the war.
So many fights between couples sink into this assignment of accountability and whatever "appropriate" consequences result from them. There is that magical moment in therapy when both partners realize that they'll play a winning game when each owns their individual contribution to what has gone wrong.
It sometimes takes some skill-building, but it is unmistakably remarkable to witness when the interaction turns in that direction, and then to one of working as a team. They are no longer fighting against each other, but for each other.
8. Turning your negative energy into something loving and constructive
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There is no hope where there is no life. I'll take a passionate, angry, upset couple any time over two people who sit in the room wishing they could be anywhere else and disappearing into two-dimensional cardboard cutouts.
The door to the outside office might as well be made of concrete and bars; instead of the room I regard as a haven, it becomes like a prison. A once-loving couple who allow their relationship to diminish into a lifeless, complicated set of rote behavior and routines has the biggest burden by far. High, angry energy can morph into high, loving energy. As it has been said, hate isn't the opposite of love — indifference is.
9. Spending quality time together
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Attention is one way to bring a broken relationship out of the grave. By focusing on each other, couples start to feel special and needed in the relationship again.
Schedule regular date nights and clean up, and get dressed up for each other. On the date, practice some physical touch, such as holding hands or hugging. Put a lot of effort into making sure you have one-on-one time together every week.
Having time to talk is also important. Talk to your partner about your day and what issues you have going on. Spending time with each other reminds you that you are not alone in this world, and there is someone who will always be there who you can share your problems with and come up with solutions together.
Sometimes, it is hard to visualize an angry or wounded couple showing any of these nine rays of hope in the midst of their anguishing conflicts. But if you don't overlook them, they are often just under the surface, waiting and wanting to emerge.
I know that a couple wants to get beyond their distress when they're excited about those "a-ha" moments when I identify them. This bolsters each one of them with confidence in themselves and their relationship to immediately desire to commit to replacing their old behaviors with new ones, as suggested by the theory of brain complexity and marital behaviors.
In order the heal a relationship, couples need to realize that those repeated negative patterns are the culprits that have gotten them in trouble, and they both need to work to be rid of them.
The couple that is capable of this has a strong fighting chance at finding their love again and knows what they now need to do to regain their stability as a team when they identify and challenge those negative patterns.
Though it may take many new moments and a long time to leave the darkness behind, the light is on. You don't need therapy to identify and initiate these responses in your own relationship. You can find these rays of hope if you are willing to put yourself aside and make your relationship more important than your need to prove who's right.
But if you do feel lost and unable to identify them on your own, don't hesitate to find a competent observer to help you find your way. Find a way, and you will get there.
Important note: Unhealthy or abusive relationships are not the same as broken relationships, because if there is abuse of any kind, it is not a relationship. In such cases, I recommend leaving and focusing on your mental health.
Dr. Randi Gunther is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor who helps singles and couples. She is the author of the newsletter Heroic Love.
