11 Things Happy Couples Do Any Time Their Relationship Gets Tense Or Heated
You don't have to sit back and let your relationship struggle.
PeopleImages.com by Yuri A via Shutterstock Do you have bad relationship habits? Of course you do. Who doesn't? Going to therapy may be the gold standard for breaking bad habits, but there are also things you can do on your own to give your relationship (and yourself) a better chance at happiness.
The bad news? You will have to revisit these many times through the course of a long-term relationship or marriage. The good news? It's work pretty much every happy couple revisits any time things get tense or problems arise. After all, anything that's worth having is worth working on!
11 things happy couples do any time the relationship gets tense
1. They ask, 'What part of this is from my past?'
Very often, without realizing it, your bad relationship habits repeat patterns from your childhood. This isn't just a theory. Research has shown time and again that a lot of our relationship patterns start with lessons we learn (consciously or unconsciously) in our families of origin. Further research shows that this is especially true with negative experiences in a person's childhood. So step back and try to identify the patterns you're replaying.
Now, consider what it is from your past that is still heavily influencing you. Once you deal with the root issue, you're less likely to keep repeating those patterns — and when you do, you'll spot them sooner and be better able to take accountability for them.
2. They put on their 'realistic' goggles
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In relationships, we often wear "love goggles" that don't allow us to look clearly at who a person really is. Too often, when these goggles fall away over time, we only see the opposite — like wearing a pair of disillusionment goggles!
To help combat this, take a sheet of paper and make two columns. On one side, list the things you had hoped for in a relationship; on the other side, list the reality of what the relationship is. Keep this list in your wallet and refer to it when relationship stress begins to overwhelm you.
Of course, you can also do this in your Notes app, but some people benefit from writing things out and being able to visualize them in a real 8"x12" format!
3. They visualize their best selves and dream relationship
Nothing works as well as visualizations for the future. Start by seeing the best of you — how you walk, hold yourself, and manage yourself in all your empowered strength.
Next, visualize a partner who respects and appreciates you. After all, you become what you imagine.
Think it's silly? Research has shown (and replicated) that visualization helps high-level athletes achieve just as well as (and in some cases, better than) people who do physical practice.
That doesn't mean you should visualize being a better version of yourself and having a healthier relationship instead of practicing it. Instead, do both! Regularly visualize what you want, and then put it into practice!
4. They seek comfort from their friends
Try to form new emotional bonds and have daily conversations with female friends who are working through similar issues and life transitions. These supportive conversations can warm your aching soul and give positive feedback on breaking your bad habits.
However, if your friends are also invested in maintaining their bad habits or living in their past traumas (rather than working on healing them), you're more likely to get dragged back down. Research shows this is particularly true with divorce, which seems to happen in clusters.
So hang out with friends who are also working to be their best selves, and give yourself that time to take pressure off your relationship and your partner.
5. They learn something new
Gift yourself some new books or magazines to encourage the development of new ideas and concepts, which can even be sprinkled into new conversations to help break old conversational models and habits.
This works great if you learn something new with your partner, too! Cooking and artistic skills are great, but it's even better if you learn something together that you've never done. Look for local outdoor rec classes in things you've never tried, like rock climbing or mountain biking or maybe even Tai Chi!
6. They name their worst habits
You can't overcome habits which you've not identified. It's OK to have bad habits; we all do. Take an honest look at yourself in relationships and see what habits you have that contribute to tension. It's easy to blame your partner, but it takes two to tango!
No matter what your partner is doing, you're likely responding in a way that's at least fanning the fire. Just remember: You can step out of any situation where you feel like your buttons are getting pushed, especially if you feel those old patterns starting to rise up.
Just reassure your partner that you'll be back to resolve in a few minutes (or a few hours). Amazingly, research has shown that even five short seconds of break time can help de-escalate conflict for couples.
When you step away, cool off first. Then, brainstorm or sketch out what pushed your buttons and how you contributed.
7. They notice when their bad habits pop up
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Sometimes, we know what our bad habits are, but we don't realize we're engaging in them until it's too late. Often, we are much more focused on our partner's bad habits than our own.
One way to become more aware of bad habits is to notice the feeling you get when your habit is triggered. Keep it in mind, if you find yourself feeling triggers, know that your behavior may begin to repeat bad habits.
If it's hard to track them, start a little list on paper after an argument. For instance, you can write, "How did I start yelling? What happened?"
Then dive into what came before. "He said ..." or "She did ..." and then track your own behaviors, too.
8. They identify what they can control
Once you've identified the habit and have become aware of the associated feeling, it's time to take control. No one can make you behave in a way you regret.
Your partner may trigger a negative response, but you have control over whether you're going to go toxic. Find a different way to communicate your feelings, something that's kind and more productive.
9. They wake up and get present
Most of us go through life on auto-pilot. Have you ever realized how many times we drive somewhere without remembering the journey? That realization is startling proof of how auto-pilot we can be.
Changing a bad relationship habit means you have to realize you're messing up in the first place. Get used to paying attention to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors about ordinary things before you tackle the harder stuff. Practicing mindfulness when things are calm has been shown to help people in their romantic relationships. That's because they help you stay mindful of your own reactions when things get tense or heated!
10. They watch their partner's body language
The truth is, most of our communication is done non-verbally. No matter what we say, our pose gives us away.
If your partner's words say, "I don’t care," but tears are falling, what's really going on? By focusing on solving this contradiction, your anger will probably slip away. Instead, let their body speak to you and respond accordingly.
No, you should never be responsible for reading someone's mind. They should be able to be clear with their expectations and boundaries. But taking in their body language can be helpful in guiding communication. Just be sure to practice the next step, too!
11. They use reflective listening to be sure they understand
The bad habit of being reactive often comes from an interpretation of what's being said, not from what's actually being said. This is especially true if what you believe is being said pushes your buttons and you start getting heated.
Be sure you know what your partner is saying by reflecting back on what you've heard. Otherwise, you'll be building an argument based on the assumed truth.
This doesn't have to be a highly formulaic system. You can simply say, "I feel like you're saying something upsetting, but I want to be sure I'm understanding your point correctly before I react."
If they say you are misinterpreting, try giving them the benefit of the doubt and let them clarify! Active listening can help you build your bond when times are good, too!
Amanda Jennings, LMFT, is a counselor and therapist who works with clients to help them overcome various forms of trauma, depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.
Dr. Karen Sherman, MFT, NCC, PhD, is a relationship expert with her own weekly radio show.
Eryn L. Oberlander, M.D., is a Yale and Columbia educated, Board Certified Psychiatrist with private practices in Midtown Manhattan and Great Neck, Long Island.
Kathe Skinner, LMFT, MA, shares knowledge, skills, and tools that help.
