How To Build The Relationship Of Your Dreams In 5 Easy, Research-Backed Steps
It's the little things that make the biggest difference.
filipefrazao | Canva Most people want to keep their relationship in a state where both partners are happy and feeling loved. But how do people learn how to do that? Research shows great relationships don't happen by accident, but building them can be simple if you follow a few guidelines.
So, where do you start: Gifts? Flowers? Vacations? Elaborate, fancy dinners? There are so many options and they seem kind of expensive or time-consuming. In real life, it's the little things make a huge difference in keeping a relationship happy.
The ideas I'm sharing below may seem small, and they won't look impressive on social media. But they are designed to grow a love that can last a lifetime, based on research and decades of expert experience.
How to build a dream relationship in 5 easy, research-based steps
1. Be intentional with eye contact
When you go to work in the morning and you meet co-workers, do you look them in the eye and wish them a good morning? When you are ordering coffee, do your look your barista in the eye and thank them for their service?
Of course you do!
So, if you naturally use eye contact as a source of connection in your life, why wouldn’t you use it in your relationship?
I can’t tell you how many couples I have worked with, ones who are finding themselves disconnected from each other, who no longer look each other in the eyes. Instead, they occupy themselves with something suddenly "super important" if their partner is in the room.
They keep their eye on the TV when the other says goodnight. They leave in the morning with a quick peck on the cheek, moving toward the door with haste.
It's nearly impossible to remain connected to someone if you don’t look them in the eye. Most human beings thrive on eye-to-eye contact and not having it can prevent a relationship from happening. Research into the behavior of people on blind dates showed that mutual eye contact was actually more important than perceived attractiveness! Wow.
Lack of mutual eye contact can harm a relationship, too. According to another study, "Amount of eye gaze has been correlated with relationship quality in married couples," and found that feelings of love and connection increased with more eye contact.
So, when you walk in the house tonight, look your partner in the eye and say hello. Connect with them in a way that lets them know that you care.
2. Give hugs more freely
It seems so trivial, but hugging your person every day can literally be the thing that will keep your relationship healthy, maybe more than anything else. This is especially true for longer hugs. The benefits of hugs increase when you hug for 20 seconds or more.
Hugs do two things, both of which are important for healthy relationships.
First, hugs use physical contact to convey caring. Think about how good it feels to get a hug from almost anyone. Pretty good, right? Now, imagine a hug from the person you love. Pretty amazing, right?
A 10-second hug leads to the production of oxytocin, the feel-good chemical that enhances happiness and fights depression. They say a 10-second hug, once a day can deepen a couple’s connection in a big way.
Also, research has shown time and again that touch and hugs can be great stress relievers. Holding someone in a firm hug for 20 seconds has been proven to release stress. What a gift that would be — to hug your person and make them feel less stressed in this stressful world.
So, if you aren’t doing it regularly, hug your person. It's quick, cheap, and effective!
3. Shower attention on one another
Many women wonder, “Why can’t he just know what I want? Why do I always have to tell him?"
If you're a woman, you're likely saying, "Exactly." If you're a guy, it's probably, "Ugh."
I am afraid that I have to agree with the guys. Women are very good at tuning into each other’s needs, but it’s harder for men to do so. As a result, a distance can grow between partners. because opportunities to make each other happy are being missed. This can lead one partner to feel emotionally neglected — regardless of the intent of the other.
I would encourage both men and women to pay attention to their partner. I would encourage them to note their likes and their dislikes, what makes them happy and sad, and what things they enjoy doing and being done to them. They should also ask questions! Showing interest in their partner's day-to-day hopes and feelings helps keep partners together (and happier) longer.
A person who pays attention is a person who will make their partner feel loved in a big way. Yes, you might not be able to anticipate your person’s every need, but if you pay attention you will be able to come pretty darn close.
4. Offer more small gestures
You know the saying, "It’s the small things that make the difference"? Take this phrase to heart, because it’s true. According to research by The Gottman Institute, it's the small gestures (and the responses to them) that keep relationships healthy and humming along.
What do I mean by small things? I mean bringing home flowers. Thanking them for helping you with a task. I mean asking your person to go for a walk. Making a cake for their birthday.
It’s the little things that make life a little less dreary. The small things that make your person know you're thinking of them will keep your relationship healthy and happy.
5. Carve out time to spend together
One of the things we lack most in this modern world is time. Because we're lacking time, for some crazy reason, what goes to the bottom of the priority list is relationships.
We willingly give our time to work and to children and to hobbies, but we often take our relationships for granted and don’t give them the time they deserve.
So, how do you carve out time in this crazy world?
Make time to talk! Set aside a no-screens rule, or a "time together" time slot in each day. According to one research report, "When controlling for both positive and negative conflict communication and amount of time spent in conflict, more time spent talking is broadly related to higher levels of positive relationship outcomes."
In layperson's terms? As long as you're not fighting, time spent talking is correlated with overall happiness in relationships. And it doesn't matter what you're saying. Just chat!
Another idea would be getting up early one morning a week for coffee and conversation. Or having a quick drink after work, before the chaos of homework and dinner kicks in. Or taking a walk together. Or getting a sitter and actually going on a date.
Making time seems difficult but, really it isn’t. All you have to do is be aware that it’s important and to make it happen. You can work one half-hour less, or skip a bike-riding day and do a little hike together instead. That's a great way to make your relationship healthier, just like that!
Making your relationship last can be simple
Doing things to keep your relationship healthy doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming.
It’s the everyday things that can make a huge difference in the health of relationships, the everyday things that can be forgotten in the midst of the chaos of the modern world. I mean, you do love each other, and time spent together isn’t that much of a sacrifice, is it?
Learning how to have a healthy relationship is the number-one goal for most people. And yet, so many relationships are unhealthy.
Try some of these everyday things and see the health of your relationship bloom.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be.
