5 Boundaries People Start Enforcing Once They Finally Gain Enough Backbone To Know Better
When self-respect kicks in, so do these boundaries.
Brock Wegner | Unsplash You cannot be a happy, healthy, successful person without boundaries. Healthy boundaries give us healthy relationships, healthy self-esteem, and healthy well-being.
How important is it to set healthy boundaries? Research in the Journal of Family Psychology showed that in families with healthy, flexible boundaries, each person can develop into a distinct person with unique interests and skills. Having strong boundaries does not make you a bad person. Having strong boundaries makes you attractive to healthy people who like knowing where you stand. Having strong boundaries weeds out unhealthy people.
Here are five boundaries people start enforcing once they finally gain enough backbone to know better:
1. Not letting people walk all over you
Boundaries are not about being nasty, mean, or rude. Boundaries simply recognize that you end in one place and other people end somewhere else. All good boundaries do that. You can't worry that people will think you are being mean or "not nice."
It’s not a matter of not being a nice person anymore. It’s just a matter of getting “tough enough” so that people aren’t walking on you, so that you’re not suppressing your true feelings, and so that you’re not “playing nice” just for a chance to play. If anyone deserves boundaries, it’s the nice people of the world.
2. Not letting people devalue you
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Boundary setting happens calmly, using "I" statements. Not by becoming moody or so irritated that you start to snap people's heads off. If you have a friend who is always late when you have plans to go somewhere, you may find yourself blowing up at her in frustration.
Instead, you can say, "I would appreciate it if you were here on time. Otherwise, I'll have to go ahead without you." She may push back, but prepare to do exactly that the next time she is late. The behavior will stop.
3. Not letting people put you down
Learn to recognize manipulation and subtle "put-down" messages. They're designed to get you to do something you may not want to do. Think about a statement such as, "I would do that for you." It's full of manipulation and subtle messages of "you're not as good as me," and it's a passive-aggressive way to get the speaker's way.
It's not about what is good for you or what you would do; it's about what they want you to do, and the guilt-inducing manipulation is intense. A study from the American Psychological Association concluded that "attention to, and control of, emotional expression, in combination with an insincere approach, are central to emotional manipulation."
There are so many variations of this, but one answer: Good for you. That's you, that's not me. Thank you for playing.
4. Not letting people invade your space
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You cannot pick and choose who to have boundaries with. You have to have them with everyone, even if some are harder than others.
You have to have boundaries with parents, children, friends, lovers, work acquaintances, storekeepers, customer service representatives, bank tellers, the reservation clerks, the cat sitters, and the dog groomers. It is about taking care of yourself and letting people know they can’t invade the spaces you have defined as yours.
5. Not letting people silence your inner voice
Listen to your inner voice as to when it is time to set a boundary. When people are borrowing your things and either not returning them or not taking care of them, it’s time to set a boundary. When you feel as if your parents, children, spouse, pets, or coworkers do not listen to you, it’s time to set a boundary.
When you feel angry and put upon, it’s time to set a boundary. When you feel sad and think that everyone is taking advantage of you, it’s time to set a boundary. Sometimes, you need to evaluate the other person's goals. A 2018 study proposed that "considering relationship processes in terms of the principles of goal pursuit can provide novel and important insights into the ways that people think, feel, and behave in these interpersonal contexts."
Boundaries are tough in the beginning, but they make everything so much better down the road. Set those boundaries today because life will work so much better when you do.
Susan J. Elliott is a media commentator, lawyer, and author of the book Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.
