You're Not Ready For A Relationship If These 8 Things Ring True
You need to wholly be the right person in order to find the right person.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock If you're wondering if you're ready for a relationship, it's important to take a step back and think about whether or not you're actually ready. This entails really looking at yourself and your beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors in an open and honest way. And that's never easy.
Whether it's changing who you are to attract someone or you're looking for a person to save you, you're not ready for a relationship if these things ring true. You likely have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can be in a healthy, happy partnership, so you need to start looking inward and making changes to get ready to be with someone else.
You're not ready for a relationship if these 8 things ring true
1. You keep finding the wrong person
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Your compass to finding a good partner just isn't working, and it's consistently pointing you to the wrong type of person. This typically happens because you're subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship from the beginning by choosing a partner who's not relationship material.
Psychotherapist Nancy Carbone explained the reasons why you may continue to attract the wrong person, saying, "Maybe you're subconsciously attracting the wrong partner to fulfill an unmet need or longing. Perhaps you've been choosing the unobtainable person to get back something you needed from those who rejected you in your past. You can be attracted to what feels familiar to you, even if it creates the same pain over and over again."
Your friends and family have warned you that they're a player or a loser, but you've written them off, believing that you're going to be the one person that can change them into the perfect partner. The truth is that inside, you know you won't change them, but that's fine with you because you subconsciously fear a deep relationship anyway.
2. You need a partner to feel happy
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You feel miserable unless you're coupled up. If you get an invite to a party or event and you don't have a partner to bring, you're likely to make up an excuse, send your regrets, pass up the night out, and sit at home feeling sorry for yourself because you're alone.
Then, you spend the entire night trying to figure out where to meet someone instead of doing something that would make you happy, like going to the party you were invited to. If you did meet a great person while in this mindset, you'd hold on so tight and so quickly that you'd most likely strangle the relationship anyway.
So, find what makes you happy before you're in a relationship, and then find someone to share that happiness with.
3. You believe you can save them
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Many people have a savior complex and find themselves a "project" partner. What this means is that they're looking for dysfunction so they have the drama in their lives that they subconsciously crave. But you're not ready for a relationship if this rings true.
Now, it may stem from a variety of sources, but the end result is that you will wind up with exactly what you're looking for: a real project, which is just someone with personal problems of their own. These problems should be left to trained professionals. Don't try to be a therapist.
According to mental health therapist Mikayla Cabral, though it might come from a good place, "When one person begins to take on the emotional weight of the other without the right tools or support, it can quietly create strain that neither of you intended."
4. You're looking for someone to save you
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If your self-talk sounds something like "I'm such a mess" or "Why am I so insecure sometimes?" then you need to get that taken care of before you can be in a relationship. Otherwise, you'll either attract someone with a savior complex or someone who has the same issues: someone who's a messy or very insecure.
And as much as misery loves company, misery plus misery doubles the misery. Don't go there. Because if you remain in this mindset, you're not ready for a relationship at all.
5. You're looking for someone to complete you
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As much as the line "you complete me" from the movie "Jerry Maguire" sounds romantic, it should really be "you complement me." If you're not a whole person to begin with, you're not ready for a relationship, and the only thing you'll be completing is your part in a dysfunctional relationship.
"Your life doesn't begin when you find a partner. It's happening right now. You don't need to put your happiness on hold, waiting for someone to arrive and give you permission to fully live. You are the permission. So stop sitting in the waiting room of your own life. Get up. Step in. Own it. Start making choices that light you up, that make you feel alive, that remind you who you are," therapist John Kim revealed.
6. You're spending more time pursuing love than pursuing your interests
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To meet people, you need to get out there and be sociable, whether "out there" means the local ski club or the local web scene. And that's a great thing! But if you're not actively pursuing your interests at the same time, there's a problem.
The best way to meet the right person is by doing things and going places that you'd do or go to anyway, even if there was no chance of meeting someone. So, if you find yourself on Saturday nights obsessing over and constantly tweaking every word on your online dating profile, you're wasting valuable time that you could be spending pursuing your interests.
7. You haven't unpacked your baggage
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You're not ready for a relationship if you're still dealing with the emotional scars left from a previous partner, particularly if you're still feeling angry. It means you need to finish your emotional healing before starting a new relationship. Because while some believe that another person will get their mind off their ex, it never really works.
Instead, what it will do is keep your mind off of the person you're starting a relationship with, cause you to feel guilty, cause them to feel resentful, and generally make a big mess for everyone. Leave the rebounding to the basketball players, and think about your emotional health before beginning a relationship.
8. You're changing who you are to attract someone
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If you find yourself trying to be something other than what you naturally are, it's a major red flag and indicates you're not ready for a relationship. Maybe it's changing your style to match theirs or pretending to be into their hobbies just to make yourself more interesting.
But not being your authentic self often means you're lacking self-esteem and confidence in yourself. But don't be too hard on yourself, as this is very common. Still, it means you need to work on finding and loving the real you before trying to love someone else.
Marriage and family therapist Steven Ing summed it up well: "A relationship is only real, only sustainable, when the two adults in it are authentically themselves... Acting any way other than yourself is simply an unsustainable band-aid to a compatibility problem. If we can't be ourselves in the relationship, we're not really compatible, and we're simply not capable of loving one another as we are."
Jane Garapick is a dating and relationship coach, author, and founder of Getting to True Love. She inspires, supports, and empowers women on their journey to find true love.
