5 Things That Happen When You're In A Relationship With Someone Who Brings Out The Worst In You
Love shouldn't make you feel like a version of yourself you don't even like.
Vitaliy Shevchenko | Unsplash Do you act differently from how you want to, especially since you've been in your current relationship? Maybe your friends have been pointing out that you aren't yourself lately. Maybe you've noticed this yourself.
This happens all the time. When people are in a relationship with someone who brings out the worst in them, they start to behave in a way that reflects the state of the relationship. And that only makes things worse.
So, you must identify if your partner brings out the worst in you, so you can modify your behavior and decide the next steps for your relationship.
5 things that happen when you're in a relationship with someone who brings out the worst in you:
1. You stop liking who you are
Be honest with yourself.
- Do you like who you are in this relationship?
- Is your resting state positive?
- Are you patient and understanding with yourself and those you love?
- Are you any different than how you have been in past relationships?
- Can you look at yourself in the mirror, and are you happy with the person you see reflected?
In any healthy relationship, we strive to be our best selves and feel good about ourselves, as a 2016 study showed. We want to be willing to communicate our feelings. We want to be able to care about our partner's happiness. We want to be honest and truthful and not passive-aggressive. We want to be the best person we can be in the world.
For many of us, when we are searching for someone, we say we want someone who brings out our ‘best selves.’ So, ask yourself.
- Do you like yourself in this relationship?
- Would you want your daughter or your son to emulate you in their relationship?
- Can you picture yourself being the way you are for the rest of your life and being okay with it?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, your partner may bring out your toxic traits.
2. You feel like you're setting your partner up to fail
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I have a client in an incredibly toxic relationship with a married man. They spend more time hating each other than loving each other.
They have let go of the love and passion they felt for each other in the beginning and replaced it with anger and judgment. And, for some reason, they seem to feed the new emotions in a very destructive way.
On Valentine’s Day, my client received a bouquet from someone who has been pursuing her for years, someone she isn’t interested in. After she received her flowers, she texted her married man to thank him for the flowers, knowing they weren’t from him.
His reaction was explosive. He yelled at her because someone else had sent her flowers. She yelled at him for the fact that he did nothing for her. They went back and forth with this for the whole day. As a result, their Valentine’s Day was filled with toxicity instead of love.
That doesn’t sound fun, does it?
3. You pick fights just to feel something
Many people who are in toxic relationships are addicted to drama. The love and passion they felt at the beginning are gone, replaced by anger and disdain.
For whatever reason, they aren’t able to let go of the relationship but still want to feel something, anything — even if it’s something bad. And, sometimes, the drama they need to feel something needs to be manufactured out of nowhere.
I remember when I was involved with a married man, I often picked fights. I lived in this constant state of being miserable, the misery caused by him. As a result, I used to pick fights, fights because I was miserable, and I wanted him to be too.
I remember the Christmas when I bought him a beautiful TUMI briefcase. I was so happy to give it to him, but when I did, he told me he couldn’t use it because he had received a new one from his wife.
I was beyond furious, and instead of telling him so, I picked a fight about something he had said or done the day before. I don’t remember what it was. Instead of addressing the issue so I could express my feelings and he could understand, I picked a fight that only made us both miserable.
I know that in this relationship, my married partner brought out my toxic traits.
4. You withhold affection on purpose
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The withholding of affection is one of the number one toxic traits an unhappy relationship can bring out in someone. With the toxicity of a relationship and the constant need to hurt the other person or make them miserable, we withhold intimacy.
Of course, in a toxic relationship, we often aren’t interested in being physical with our significant other because we don’t like them. But sometimes, we make a conscious decision to do so. And that is a toxic trait.
I remember a client of mine who used to withhold intimacy, hoping her partner would miss her and he would start to appreciate her if they were no longer intimate. Another client stopped hugging and kissing his wife, knowing her love language was physical touch and the worst possible thing he could do to her was not to touch her.
- Are you withholding your affection from your partner?
- Are you doing so on purpose, knowing it will upset them?
- Are you doing so knowing it will just cause a fight?
- Are you doing so not because you are miserable in your toxic relationship and not interested in physicality, or because you want to hurt your partner?
This is a toxic trait that this relationship is bringing out in you. Do you see it as being sustainable? Do you want to be like this for the rest of your life?
I am guessing not.
5. You stop respecting their wishes
For a client of mine, the worst offense in her marriage was that her partner didn’t put his laundry in the laundry basket. A pretty standard complaint in any marriage, right?
In a healthy relationship, we would try to respect our partner's wishes. I mean, we love them, so why wouldn’t we? Of course, we don’t always succeed, but we do try.
My client’s husband went out of his way not to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He would put them beside the laundry basket, on the floor in the closet, next to his bed, anywhere but the basket. Why? Because he wanted to make her angry.
In the old days, he would have cared what she thought, but now he didn’t. He left his clothes everywhere, knowing she would be angry and they would probably fight. But he just didn’t care. He wasn’t proud of his behavior, but he just couldn’t do it any other way. That was how unhappy he was.
No one wants to be a bad person in the world. To bring out the worst in someone else. To be unkind, short-tempered, and withholding. Everything you have been taught not to be and don’t want to be.
Is staying in this toxic relationship worth it? I know if you leave it, you will be alone for a bit, and that is scary, but is staying worth sacrificing everything you are just to be a part of a couple?
Do you want to teach your kids this behavior or carry any of this behavior over to your friends or at work?
Wouldn’t you rather take the steps you need to get out and find someone who can make you a better one, so you can start bringing positivity back into your life and find the love you seek?
Take a good look at yourself and decide who it is you want to be, and make it happen!
You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.
