Photo: @rebeccacraig47 / @lamujermorena / TikTok
She needed a break!
By Megan Quinn — Written on Aug 27, 2022
A parenting debate has once again been sparked on TikTok. This time, it revolves around the term “default parenting.”
In the world of parenthood, the “default parent” is defined as the parent who is most heavily involved in childcare — preparing meals for the kids, helping with homework, bathing them, and putting them to bed.
More often than not, it is usually the mother who is the default parent in a mother-father parenting household, and all of the responsibilities that have to do with the children fall on her.
A woman shared a TikTok depicting a prime example of default parenting.
One mother on TikTok is proving this to be true. She posted a video to her account detailing an instance where she needed a break from caring for her infant to fix herself lunch.
Since she was what is referred to as the default parent, her husband brought the baby down to her for her to soothe.
In the video that has been viewed over 2 million times, the mother of two, Rebecca Craig, explains why she needed to take moment to step away from caring for her 10-month-old son. “I got overwhelmed, so I did the right thing and put my 10-month-old in his crib,” she says.
She went downstairs to make herself lunch and to decompress for a few minutes.
“My husband came down after about two minutes and said, ‘why is the baby crying?’” Rebecca explained to him that she needed to take a little break. She added that her husband works from home and that she didn’t want to interrupt his day by asking him to take over caring for the children.
Her husband decided to get the baby himself. However, it wasn’t to calm the baby down himself.
“Not even two minutes after that, he comes back down holding the baby and tries to give him to me,” Rebecca says. “I hadn’t even finished eating my one bowl of curry.”
Her husband’s actions are something that she refers to as “hurtful helping.” It is also clear in this video that Rebecca is the default parent of the relationship.
TikTok users supported the mother in the comments section and were shocked by her husband’s behavior.
“You did the right thing momma you deserve to have time to yourself as well,” one user wrote. “If he can pick him up he can calm him down if it bothers him that bad.”
“10 minutes man. She only wanted 10 minutes and her husband couldn’t give her that,” another user commented. “I’m sad for her but it also makes me angry.”
The video caught the attention of TikTok nurse Deborah (@lamujermorena). She decided to respond to the situation Rebecca discussed in her video by stitching it into one of her own.
“If I say what I want to say the way I want to say it, the ‘that’s why you’re not married’ brigade will come into my comments,” she starts saying in her video.
Deborah points out the dangers of having the mother as the default parent in a relationship with children.
“There [are] women out there who die because of this,” she says. “The default parent syndrome.”
“I used to wonder, do they [mothers] not see it [default parenting]? I used to ask myself, ‘how can they not see this is a problem?’” Deborah says. She adds that she can generate an entire series of videos on her own regarding the issue.
She compares default parenting to reaching your hand out to help someone, only to sting them with a needle instead.
When caring for children becomes overwhelming, it is essential to step away and give yourself a break to be in a proper headspace to care for them. This is a concept partners who are not the default parent need to understand.
If they cannot, then responsibilities surrounding the children need to be split evenly.
According to Motherly’s 2021 State of Motherhood Survey Results, 93% of mothers reported feeling burned out occasionally. Part of the reason is that they are not supported at home. 45% of mothers report that they are the primary caregiver for the children in their household.
Rebecca posted a follow-up video responding to a comment asking her how she responds to her husband being unhelpful.
“I would yell, and be like ‘how come you can’t understand how I’m feeling?” she says. Her husband claims that he only brought the baby to her because he was attempting to make a work call and the baby started crying again.
“He’s trying to be helpful, and he’s being compassionate but towards the baby and not towards me,” Rebecca says. She added that her husband and she have a recurring issue of her needs not being met or being overlooked, even after she has communicated this to him and that it is one of the obstacles in their relationship.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.