Photo: Ashwin Vaswani and Arwan Sutanto via Unsplash / Bianca Marie Arreola via Canva
Her mother says that her daughter pleaded with her grandmother not to cuddle her.
By Megan Quinn — Last updated on Oct 18, 2023
We often hear about grandparents spoiling their grandchildren with countless gifts. When we think of doting grandmothers, we usually never picture one that would get rid of said gifts or intentionally hurt their grandchildren. However, this was the case for one woman’s young daughter after a day of gift shopping with her grandmother.
The woman claims that her daughter’s grandmother threw her presents on her front lawn after the young girl refused to cuddle with her.
In a TikTok video, Spencer displays a photo of her mother and young daughter sitting together on a couch, in what Spencer calls “one of the last times my mom ever saw my daughter.” The image appears to be innocent at first glance, with Spencer’s mother cuddling up with her granddaughter on her couch. However, Spencer points out that the picture does not illustrate reality.
“What you’re seeing here is my daughter scrunched up saying to my mom ‘no, thank you, please don’t snuggle with me, no, thank you’ over and over and over until she started crying,” she says.
Spencer claims that as a mother she does not force physical affection onto her children, a boundary that her mother refused to respect. Ignoring her granddaughter’s pleas, Spencer’s mother informed her that she would have to “get used to” the way she displayed affection. Spencer then shares another image depicting toys scattered across the lawn.
“Here you will find all of the gifts my mom had taken my daughter shopping for that day, all $300 worth of gifts, on her front lawn because my daughter asked her not to snuggle with her,” she says. “This is the consequence my daughter had to suffer because she chose not to snuggle with my mom.”
Spencer added that her daughter’s gifts being tossed on the front lawn were the direct result of a narcissist not getting their way, and experts would likely agree. As Dan Peters, Ph.D, host of The Parent Footprint with Dr. Dan, told Parents, the grandmother's refusal to respect boundaries and subsequent outburst are two clear signs of narcissism.
Spencer decided to keep her mother from her children following the incident.
“They don’t care if it's a two-year-old or a 30-year-old. It’s not a matter of forgiveness because if you knew anything about forgiveness you would know that it’s not for the other person it’s for yourself,” Spencer said of her mother's behavior. “You cannot just ‘work out’ abuse with an abuser.”
Spencer believes that it is her duty as a mother to protect her children from anyone overstepping their boundaries, family or not.
“I didn’t choose to have an abusive mom,” she said. “She made her choices, now she has to live with the consequences of not having her children and her grandchildren in her life.”
Spencer also pointed out the unfair double standards that exist within families. “If it [the abuse] was from a man in our life, you would 100% be telling us to protect ourselves,” she says. “We choose peace over chaos and I will never regret that.”
People praised Spencer for protecting her children from their abusive grandmother.
“You’re a mother with a golden heart! You are your own kids' only advocate to protect and care for your kids. Abuse in any way is a NO CONTACT for sure!” one user commented.
“No means no! In any circumstance, you should always be listened to, family or not. Proud of you mama,” another user wrote.
“It is unimaginable that someone could think that the wishes of a child are less important than her grandma, age doesn’t define when you can say no,” another user pointed out.
Experts agree that creating space between children and narcissistic grandparents is key to protecting the children.
Though it may sound harsh to cut a grandparent out of a child's life knowing the important role grandparents often play, it's different when it comes to dealing with narcissistic family members.
"Narcissistic grandparents are harmful to both parents and grandchildren due to their need to control situations and their verbally abusive and divisive behavior when they feel threatened or challenged — by either parent or child," Amber Claudon, LICSA, CEDS-s, a licensed independent clinical social worker and Vice President of Clinical Training at Lightfully Behavioral Health, told Parents. Narcissistic abuse can affect children negatively for life and can even lead to PTSD.
The first steps to dealing with a narcissistic grandparent can include setting clear boundaries, which Spencer and her daughter clearly tried to do. Unfortunately, as in Spencer's daughter's case, that may not always be enough. And in that case, experts suggest going no contact.
"It is not OK to be verbally and emotionally abused, nor is okay for your child to experience the same — by anyone," Peters explained to Parents.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.