The "Grey Rock Technique" — A Brilliant (But Risky) Way To Deal With A Narcissist

The grey rock technique can be a brilliant way of dealing with a narcissist or other toxic person.

Much like the old childhood advice to "just ignore them," when someone teases you, using the grey rock method, you don’t respond.

Instead, you make yourself so boring that trying to get a rise out of you isn’t fun. Or in the case of an adult, isn’t effective.

Narcissists feed off drama and attention, positive or negative. The power and control they feel over another person gives them a narcissistic supply. This may be entirely subconsciously driven.

The narcissist’s disorder wants a reaction — the bigger the better. This makes them relevant.

They want you to…

Yell
Scream
Cry
Threaten to leave, but ultimately stay
Lose sleep
Defend yourself
Explain
Argue
Apologize
Beg
Talk about them to your friends
Wonder if something is wrong with you

When you are unable to go no contact, the grey rock method is often the next best.

The grey rock method involves making yourself uninteresting and unresponsive — much like a grey rock. The intent is simple: to make them lose interest in you as a target.

Here are the 5 steps of the grey rock method:

1. Remain emotionally neutral

Avoid showing any emotion. When the narcissist tries to hurt you, make you angry, or provoke jealousy, you don’t respond. It’s like you don’t care at all.

You do this by:

Avoiding eye contact
Minimizing facial expressions and body language
Using bland language devoid of emotion.

2. Don’t give them attention

The narcissist feeds on drama and attention. You don’t provide any.

You avoid providing attention by:

Not engaging in their attempts to gossip about others
Not asking them questions about themselves
Acting like you don’t notice their drastic attention-seeking behaviors

3. Keep your responses factual and brief

You again are providing minimal attention, giving them little relevance.

You respond when required with:

One-word answers — "How was your weekend?" "Good."
Non-committal answers — "What did you think of Susan at the party?" "I didn’t notice her."
Brief, factual answers — "Where are you at with the project?" "It’ll be done by 5."

4. Don’t provide personal information

The narcissist loves access to personal information. It’s the easiest way to hurt you in the future, stir up drama, and triangulate.

You avoid sharing anything that could be used against you later:

"Are you still working on that novel?" "Meh. On and off."
"Are you applying for the promotion?" "I’m not sure."
"Where did you get the money for your new car?" No response.

5. You make yourself bland and uninteresting

Beyond your language and your response to the narcissist, you make your physical appearance unattractive.

Narcissists like to be around those who elevate their status. This is one way to be sure you don’t.

The obvious risk of grey rocking

If you are a primary source of narcissistic supply, grey rocking a narcissist may lead to escalation of their behavior.

They consciously or subconsciously want power and control. They need a narcissistic supply. If you don’t freely give it, they will take it.

The narcissist will say or do things that are more aggressive to hurt you, provoke jealousy, or make you angry. They are determined to get the response they want and believe they deserve.

This can be a very dangerous space.

The hidden risk of grey rocking

The hidden risk of grey rocking is far more subtle, insidious, and harmful over the long term.

The grey-rock method works great when you are required to interact with a narcissist or other toxic person and you’re not their primary source of supply.

For example, it’s very effective when you have a narcissistic co-worker. It can work well at family functions with a toxic relative. It’s also very effective post-divorce while co-parenting when no contact isn’t an option.

When it is used long-term in a romantic or other close relationship, the results can be devastating.