Photo: TikTok
He couldn't console the little one so it automatically became mom's problem.
By Alexandra Blogier — Written on May 10, 2023
Educator, activist, author, and parent Laura Danger is tackling the issue of weaponized incompetence in relationships and how it often pushes women to become the default parent at the expense of their wellbeing.
On TikTok, she shared her thoughts in discussion about a dad not carrying his share of the weight of parenting labor and literally handing his crying baby off to his wife when she walks into the room.
The dad was happy to pass off his crying baby to his wife after failing to pull his weight.
The original video is titled, “When I ask the hubs to watch baby Finn so I can shower.” It’s shot from the mom’s point-of-view as she walked into the living room to find her husband sitting on the couch, holding their son while he cries.
“She’s coming to save you!” The dad cried out joyously while holding his baby with one hand, giving him over to his wife. “And she has boobs!” He exclaimed.
“Oh, what happened,” asked the mom, as she took her son in her arms. What happened was, a new mom tried to get both her and her baby’s needs met by her partner while she practiced the most basic form of self-care there is, taking a shower.
Danger posted the video and then took on the topic of what non-nursing parents can do to support their partners and care for their babies. “Meeting basic needs is apparently a series, now,” she stated.
“I have an email that I write to my friends who are about to have children,” Danger said. “And for the person who’s not nursing or not doing most of the feeds, here’s my advice: There’s always something you can do.”
Danger offered advice on how partners can support the nursing parent throughout the day — and night.
“If it’s easier for your partner to just pop a boob out and nurse the baby and then they go back to sleep, that’s so great. That means that in the middle of the night, or before bed, you can make sure that they've got ice water next to their bed, they’ve got granola bars.”
Danger’s tip to leave water and a snack for the nursing parent might seem like a small thing, but it makes a huge difference. When nursing, parents burn a ton of calories. Nursing also makes someone very thirsty. Helping your partner while they feed the baby is an essential mechanism of support, especially in those early days of nursing and learning life with your new baby.
Danger continued saying, "Every time they wake up, you can give them a little pat, and a kiss, and say ‘Thank you.’”
Her guidance highlights the importance not only of physical support, but emotional support, as well.
“When they wake up for the morning, and they’ve nursed, and then they don’t fall back asleep, that’s when it’s your turn — tag, you’re it! Get the baby up, leave the bedroom, [and] let your partner sleep.”
The next tip Danger offered is one that moms everywhere will appreciate. She recommended, “When your partner needs to go take a shower, get the baby out of the house. They do not want to hear that crying while they take the 30 minutes that nobody’s touching them, and they just soak under all of this new s–t and new needs and new life. Give them the time.”
Danger told an anecdote from her own parenting journey, explaining, “When I was becoming a parent, the mental shift that happened, from having autonomy to somebody needing me all the time, it was earth-shattering. It rocked me to my core."
She then told her viewers the exact ways in which her partner supported her as a new parent. “My partner took a breastfeeding class with me, and every time I needed something, he was there to feed me. If I was fed, the baby was fed.”
Danger stated a hard truth — 'Learn to soothe your kid.'
“Just laying down, reclined and hugging them,” Danger shook her head no. “Stand up. Throw a ball at their belly. Pretend to eat their toes. Put on Daniel Tiger. Throw them in the stroller, and take them for a 30-minute walk around the neighborhood. Put on a YouTube video of cute animals. Put them on your shoulders, babies love that.”
She then spoke to the concept of weaponized incompetence, which can be defined as a method of shifting responsibility and accountability for completing a task to another person, by claiming inability or lack of experience.
An article from Care.com explains that while the term “weaponized incompetence” is having a moment in the cultural zeitgeist, it’s actually existed for decades. In 1986, Harvard Business Review published an article in which it was called “skilled incompetence.” In 2007, a Wall Street Journal article described the phenomenon as “strategic incompetence.”
Because of the way US society is structured, women shoulder most of the household and child-rearing responsibilities, even when they work full-time jobs. In 2022, the US Department of Labor published a paper titled “Who Is Doing The Chores and Child-care in Dual-earner Couples During the Covid-19 Era of Working From Home?” The paper found that “mothers combined paid work and child supervision to a greater extent than fathers.”
The paper also states that “on average, mothers’ total paid and unpaid workload was 0.7 hours greater when working from home relative to fathers working from home during the pandemic than before the pandemic.” The fact is, moms are doing more work, both paid and unpaid, overall.
“Every time you do an intentionally half a–-ed, sh–-ty job and then literally launch the baby at them when they get out of the shower, they lose confidence in you. They lose confidence in you valuing their time, and they know their kid’s just gonna be sad and crying the entire time that they try to meet their own needs. ‘I’ll just do it later, forget it, I’ll do it.’”
In an ideal world, parenting is a partnership. It’s a balancing act. It’s one parent stepping in to catch the slack when the other parent needs a break. The reality is, parenting isn't an innate skill — it's learned. As Danger said, “If you don’t step up and try your best and put your partner’s needs up there, she’s gonna resent the s–t out of you and you’re gonna end up a single dad.”
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. As a former postpartum doula, she covers parenting issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.