You Have A Good Marriage If You Think These 11 Common Phrases Are Actually Disrespectful
In a healthy marriage, respect is the foundation, not a bonus.
Inside Creative House / Shutterstock Marriage is what you make it. If you come in with low expectations and start to normalize problematic behavior, disrespect will become something you don't even lift an eyebrow at. But if you have mutual understanding, kindness, and support, you will both agree that there are words and actions that you will not tolerate. If something feels off, both of you are comfortable with calling it out.
People in good marriages are well aware that certain phrases that seem normal are actually disrespectful. They can tell because hearing them is cringeworthy and uncomfortable. They don't overlook those negative feelings, but instead, they address them head-on because it makes their marriage stronger than most.
You have a good marriage if you think these 11 common phrases are actually disrespectful
1. 'You're overreacting'
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On the surface, telling your spouse that they are overreacting can be seen as a normal expression of your opinions. But if you are in a good marriage, you know this is a way of invalidating your feelings and making you feel unheard. It's an indication that your thoughts and emotions are not respected and that your spouse could be non-empathetic to your needs.
Healthy relationships are ones where emotions are validated, even when they are not understood immediately. Phrases that are dismissive or belittling are avoided in an effort to put oneself in the shoes of the person they care about. Good partners listen, not disregard.
2. 'That's just how I am'
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There is a thin line between accepting a person for who they are and accepting the fact that they have no intention of growing and evolving. To be clear, you should not marry a person that you want to change, but part of growing old together means that you can see problems that are within your control and make the necessary adjustments.
In a solid marriage, people want to make it work, so they adapt for the sake of the partnership. Using your terrible personality as an excuse to be inconsiderate is not only a red flag but a potential dealbreaker. Disrespectful language is not just a personality trait that should be excused. It's toxic behavior that should be left behind.
3. 'You're acting crazy'
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Unless you're obviously joking, there is no way to make calling someone crazy respectful. It's a way of gaslighting them to make their emotions seem unreasonable or unlike an understandable reaction. Insinuating that a person might be suffering from mental illness because you don't like or agree with what they are saying is dismissive and disrespectful.
A good husband or wife never weaponizes someone's emotional reactions. They understand that there are times when the person they love will be upset or passionate about something and give them the space to be that. Good marriages tend to forego the disrespect that people who are involved in toxic relationships might experience.
4. 'It's not a big deal'
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How much something matters depends on who you are talking to. What might be nothing to you can be everything to another person. So, minimizing a concern that your spouse may have is another form of disrespecting them. By telling them that it's not a big deal, you are saying that they are so illogical that their worries don't need to be addressed.
In a great marriage, if it matters to him or her, it matters to you, too. You care about the things that they care about because you love them. Dismissing something they care deeply about, no matter how small you think it is, is not your way of working with them. People who do that are just lazy communicators, unwilling to do the work to create a thriving relationship.
5. 'You always...' or 'You never...'
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No one does a thing the exact same way every time. So, when blanket statements are made, accusing your partner of always or never doing something, it's a clear sign that you are agitated and want them to know it. The fact that your interpretations are all-consuming is disrespectful, demeaning, and dismissive.
Statements of this nature shut down conversations that really need to be had and ignore nuances in your partner's behavior. It's an exaggerated blame-fest that can make them question their reality and become hesitant about their natural inclinations in the future.
6. 'Calm down'
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My biggest pet peeve is when I am talking passionately about something, and someone tells me to calm down. The problem is that I was calm before they said it, and now, I am not. When a spouse interrupts to tell their other half to calm down, it does a lot more harm than good and is very disrespectful. Not to mention, it rarely works.
Saying "Calm down" adds fuel to the fire and can make your partner feel triggered by the notion that they are out of control. Good marriages have two people who know that you can only de-escalate situations with patience and empathy, not with condescending commands.
7. 'I guess I can't do anything right'
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Having a pity party instead of taking accountability when called out by your spouse is very manipulative. It's the "Uno reverse" card of communication. Instead of listening and trying to understand your wife or husband's perspective, you opt to guilt them, thereby taking yourself out of the hot seat.
Guilt trips are not a part of a great marriage. Discussions are healthy, and each person acknowledges when they are at fault and makes reparations as necessary. Two healthy partners have come to the conclusion that accountability is much more important than ego. They put their pride aside and communicate effectively.
8. 'You should be grateful'
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Let's be honest. In a world full of fakes and phonies, finding your person is a blessing. Anyone who has should be grateful and happy to have found that needle in a haystack. But gratitude should never be one-sided. In toxic couplings, a disrespectful spouse might see themselves as superior to their partner and say things that make their position very clear.
Healthy couples appreciate each other. They don't demand gratitude from one another or force it. Their respect and admiration are mutual, and they both believe they are lucky to be together. Real love does not keep score or use its value as leverage to get the upper hand in a relationship.
9. 'You're too sensitive'
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We all know by now that this statement is intended to minimize an issue and make a person's emotions seem off base or out of the norm. It disrespects their right to compassion and understanding and makes them less apt to speak up in the future. Telling your partner that they are too sensitive subconsciously makes them strive to be less emotional, and that's not necessarily a good thing.
No one gets to define what your emotional threshold should be but you. No one can dictate your level of sensitivity to things that you experience. In strong marriages, being sensitive is not mocked. It's duly noted, respected, and cared for.
10. 'That's your problem, not mine'
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The idea behind joining in holy matrimony is to embark on a shared journey through life. Your problems become your partner's and theirs become yours. Checking out is not an option, and if you do, you are especially disrespectful to all you've committed to.
In a good partnership, you are willing to make your partner's issues your own. You offer support and solutions to help them get through hard times because you want them at their best. Emotional abandonment is one of the biggest red flags you can see in a potential partner and a bad indicator in an existing spouse.
11. 'You knew what you were getting into'
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Just because something was overlooked earlier in the relationship does not mean one should not grow and learn to do better. It's so disrespectful to tell a person that just because they gave you grace and forgave your transgressions before, they now have license to walk all over them.
Telling your partner that they knew what they were getting into shuts down any possibility of evolution and transformation. In a good marriage, people can and should change for the better. It's okay to forgive, with the expectation that both parties will learn from the experience and release old patterns.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
