Why Men Vanish After The Third Date — And The 3 Really Common Reasons Behind It
You thought things were going well ... then silence.
travenian | Canva Let's face it, dating can be discouraging, especially when the men you go out with all seem to disappear after two or three dates. Things might start great on the first few dates, then, without any notice, "Poof," and he is gone.
Is it you? Did you offend him? Is it him, and he is incapable of commitment? Is it society, and we are all set up to fail at relationships since the situation is out of our control? Or is there a much simpler and more logical reason?
Research published in 2024 revealed that relationships that end through ghosting are typically shorter and characterized by significantly lower commitment than those ending through direct conversation. When a guy disappears after those fun initial dates, it often means he was still in the evaluation phase and simply didn't develop the level of investment needed to feel a direct conversation was necessary.
The 3 really common reasons behind why men vanish after the third date:
1. He's not invested
Dating is all about the process of getting to know each other and takes time and emotional investment. After the first few dates, you might feel you have invested yourself, and probably have, but he isn't invested, as described in research from the American Psychological Association on the ups and downs of dating.
Maybe he has stopped returning calls, and you feel like he has disappeared from your life. People will have a high level of commitment to relationships if they have more rewards and fewer costs, and they tend to be committed when, after asking themselves, "Is there a better alternative to satisfy my needs?" the answer is no.
2. He thinks you're incompatible
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In the dating process, we will often find incompatibility. A study on predictors of relationship formation supports that a lot of people will take this as a sign that dating is fun, but a commitment is not possible.
These are the daters who will move on fast to the next because they know what they want in a partner and are unwilling to settle for less. Keep in mind, he is dating you and probably other women as well. This is a common dating strategy, and there is nothing wrong with it.
3. He's dating other people
The tip here is, you should be dating more than one person, too. Many people find it hard to date more than one person at a time when entering the dating world. Most, if not all, of these daters have experienced a long-term committed relationship and now find themselves again searching for love.
Because their frame of reference has always been monogamy, they carry the same concept into dating. Dating more than one person at a time allows you to compare and contrast to see who rises to the top as the best person for you. I am not suggesting you sleep around, but I am suggesting you date around.
Dating more than one person allows you to find the right one for you, someone who is ready to commit to a relationship with you, as indicated by research from The National Academy of Sciences. So get out there and date more than one person at a time and let the monogamy happen naturally.
"Please keep in mind," says Julianne, "three dates do not a relationship make." Get out there and date more than one guy. Know what you want from a partner and don't settle for less. This is how successful daters find a forever person and avoid investing all the effort in one guy who just goes, "poof!" one day and is gone.
A study from Wesleyan University revealed that ghosting leads to both short-term and long-term consequences, including internalized feelings of self-criticism and self-doubt. That instinct to blame yourself? It's a common response, but it's not an accurate one. Three dates don't define your future. The person who's meant for you is still out there, and they won't make you wonder where you stand.
Julianne Cantarella is a Licensed Social Worker and Certified Life Coach who has spent her entire career helping those in need. She is the creator of a comprehensive, one-of-a-kind, transformational date coaching program, From First Date to Soulmate.
