If Two People Do These 3 Things On A Regular Basis, They're Probably A Very Dysfunctional Couple
Sometimes, it's the silent, repeated patterns that slowly poison a relationship.
Hank Film | Unsplash At my previous dating service, I had a client named Sherry. She was in her early 40s and recently divorced. Now, divorcees can be tough to match up. But the guys went mad for her. She was so sweet and beautiful, I never would have imagined that she could fall prey to a dysfunctional relationship.
I arranged for her to meet with a guy named Charles. When I met with her to ask how the date went, she said Charles was "a nice guy," but that she had met someone else: Roberto. She decided to date Roberto, and I was very happy for her. However, I soon learned Roberto was exploiting Sherry.
Whether you're reflecting on your own relationship or supporting someone you care about, understanding these exploitative, dysfunctional signs can be the first step toward change. If you notice two people regularly engaging in the following behaviors, it might indicate they could benefit from an honest conversation or a renewed commitment to healthier patterns.
If two people do these 3 things on a regular basis, they're probably a very dysfunctional couple:
1. One or both partners have a criminal record
About two weeks later, I received the first sign that she was in an unhealthy relationship. Sherry called to tell me that she was moving to Mexico with Roberto.
After four DUIs and larceny charges, he was being deported. Then she told me that Roberto had one wife in Mexico and one in the U.S. However, Sherry assured me that Roberto "really loved her."
He explained away his criminal record as a product of racist law enforcement. Plus, she said, no one had ever made her feel this way.
Studies show that people involved in crime or antisocial behavior tend to partner with one another. A history of criminality often indicates shared negative traits and behaviors, which concentrate risk factors in a couple and across generations.
2. One partner has power over the other
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Divorced Sherry was desperate for compliments. This gave Roberto power over her, letting him capitalize on her shortcomings. He told her he loved her. He told her she was beautiful.
But if he truly loved her, he would not have continued his relationships with his other wives. His actions showed that she was just another woman to him. I had a feeling her plans to flee the country would fall through; I later discovered that my hunch was right.
Research has shown that this dynamic erodes mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety, as the less-powered partner experiences helplessness, resentment, and diminished self-worth. Instead of leading to happier relationships, a lack of mutual influence can be a significant predictor of marital dissatisfaction and divorce.
3. Their actions never match their words
This whole fiasco teaches us a vital lesson: actions speak louder than words. This is the key to avoiding an unhealthy relationship.
It is easy to talk, but you can tell someone’s real intentions from his or her actions. We can sit here and excuse the things our mediocre partners do because we think we're in love, but we have to come to terms with the fact that a person who acts like this does not love us.
The constant disappointment and emotional strain of broken promises and unfulfilled expectations lead to feelings of resentment and frustration. Research has found that this often causes the affected partner to emotionally withdraw or become less invested in the relationship as a coping mechanism, creating further distance.
Before you commit to someone, observe what they do. Observe how they talk to you during a disagreement, and how they try to make up for it afterwards.
Observe how they treat the people in your life and yourself. Does he do the things he says he'll do, like take you out or call you after work?
Does he listen to you and remember what you tell him? By doing this, you will be able to quickly assess the signs of an unhealthy relationship and whether or not you are being emotionally bamboozled — before moving to Mexico.
Anna Karimo is an International Relationship expert, a dating coach, motivational speaker, and prolific author.
