7 Traits That Keep Couples Together Way More Than Love, According To Experts
Attraction may spark a relationship, but it's not what keeps the flame lit.
Monkey Business Images | Canva Falling in love is the easy part, but couples who last long-term have to put in the effort to keep love going. We could consider love as a by-product of the challenging work required to maintain a relationship.
Love is in the emotions spilled, the arguments mended, and the extra steps taken. To love is a learned skill designed from compassion and celebration for your special someone. Love is found in the seams of both the journey and the destination — and these traits are often the ones sustaining that love.
Here are seven traits that keep couples together more than love, according to experts:
1. Listening wholeheartedly
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Therapist Dr. Gloria Brame, Ph.D. recalls, "When I met my husband, I met my best friend forever. It felt like he would be more than a romantic interest but someone who would listen to everything I told him, tell me everything on his own mind or in his heart, and that he would always have my back, just as I tried to always stand by him.
We were both happy to see each other every day, and we let each other know through hugs, kisses, and other tokens of affection. We made coffee for each other and always made time for each other, no matter how busy life got. Those bonds sustained us for 33 years. It was a friendship so deep that only death could part us."
2. Putting 'we' before 'me'
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Thriving couples share a philosophy: we come first, shares marriage therapist Eva Van Prooyen. They look in the same direction with a joint vision, shared power, and shared authority. Love may light the spark, but what keeps couples together is a deeper glue and trait of putting the safety and security of the relationship first—even above personal interests.
This is what I call relationship hygiene: staying curious, informed, and caring so you can protect, manage, and inspire each other. Love is a behavior, not just a feeling. Feelings rise and fall, but agreements about how we repair, how we keep each other safe, and how we act under pressure are what sustain trust.
If you wait until you feel like doing the pro-relationship thing, you’ll accrue threat, and the relationship stops being fun or secure. Couples who choose the relationship as their North Star can weather stress, repair faster, and create a love that truly lasts.
3. Collaborating and co-creating
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Couples counselor Larry Michel suggests that when a couple knows a relationship can't stand the test of time if it is not rich with experiences, which are much more than individual or collaborative contributions — they are co-creations.
True co-creation has 5 essential ingredients:
- It starts with 2 or more people creating together. This is not something you do alone.
- It is fueled by curiosity that has no specific end in mind. For example, you may want to plan a dinner together, but it is the together part that is the source code and not what you're having for dinner.
- It is ignited by serendipity. Like finding a $20 bill on the sidewalk. You didn't plan for it, but what emerged or is discovered is a delightful surprise
- Every co-created experience must be celebrated with gratitude and more. Take pictures, laugh with joy, receive the gift of surprise, and glorious connection.
- Let it go so there is always room for more to follow.
If your relationships, whether romance, family, or at work, are lacking this experience, separation will be the result. If they are rich with collaborative experiences, they will last lifetimes.
4. Having shared financial goals
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Relationship coach Ketih Dent points out that getting on the same financial page as your partner can be a challenge, especially when it comes to longer-term goals, because you almost always feel you can put it off until another day.
Economic instability has taught us that futures are uncertain. So, as a couple, just sit down and first discuss what is and isn’t working when it comes to your finances.
Set up a regular schedule to have the money talk to ensure both of you are happy with how things are trending financially, and create goals in order to move in the right direction. And that’s particularly true when it comes to longer-term life goals that can take years of joint effort to accomplish.
Research from The Review of General Psychology explained that, "life transitions and cultural values can affect the priority of different marital goals; while other factors, such as communication pattern, problem solving, and attribution, can facilitate the achievement of the prioritized marital goals."
5. Being conscientious
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Conscientiousness is the glue that holds couples together more strongly than love, opines therapist Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D. You can love someone you also hate. You can love someone who is unbelievably difficult. You can love someone who is a liar. You can love someone because he or she is handsome or beautiful. Let’s face it, love is an irrational emotion.
Conscientiousness is key to relationship happiness and stability. The Journal of Research in Personality showed conscientiousness is one of the Big Five Personality Traits at the core of human personality, and further research repeatedly proves these five core traits are important variables in relationship satisfaction.
Conscientious partners are organized and disciplined. Critically, they keep their promises and follow through on commitments in relationships. They are also less impulsive, so they think before they speak and talk to their partner respectfully.
For all of these reasons, being with a conscientious partner builds incredible trust and a deep attachment. In a good way, being with a conscientious adult partner allows for healthy feelings of dependency on that person. It’s safe to need them, if they promised you something, because they will always come through!
6. Taking time apart
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Couples counselor Lianne Avila advises that you should put your partner and your relationship first, but self-care is just as important. Carve out some time to write, read, journal, or practice mindfulness together. When you do, you encourage individual growth and show your support for one another.
Self-reflection and self-care are crucial for couples. A 2017 study found that they enable individuals to better understand their emotions, behaviors, and needs, leading to improved communication, conflict resolution, and overall relationship satisfaction. By caring for themselves, partners can bring a healthier, more balanced presence to the relationship.
7. Respecting each other
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Therapist Richard Drobnick notes how respect strengthens the relationship beyond love to keep couples together long-term. For some, respect is a vital need. When they feel respected, they become more emotionally available and invested. Without respect, they often withdraw, feeling unappreciated, which creates emotional distance.
For others, love is essential, but respecting them as an equal and valuing their opinions creates balance. When they feel respected, they can give love freely and without hesitation.
Respect paired with love builds a stable, lasting connection. Respect holds the relationship together and nurtures it, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued. While love is crucial, it can feel fragile without the foundation of respect.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
