Miserable Couples Who Keep Coming Back To Each Other Usually Have These 5 Reasons
The same problems you've had in the past aren't going to just go away.
LOGAN WEAVER | Unsplash Are you in a miserable relationship that you know you should leave, but are wondering why you can’t stay away from each other? Why, despite the hurt and the anger, is breaking up just impossible?
So many people get in this position where, despite being miserable, they hold on, stuck in the cycle of suffering. Why do you do that? For many reasons. Knowing why might help you finally realize that you can let go of someone and get on with your life. So, why can’t you stay away from each other?
Miserable couples who keep coming back to each other usually have these five reasons:
1. They miss the rare moments of happiness
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You know what I'm talking about — those rare moments when everything is great. Perhaps it's watching the kids open their Christmas presents, uniting against difficult in-laws, or simply enjoying a sunset together.
Those moments bring you back to where you were at the beginning of your relationship, when you were a team and loved each other. Those moments are very potent ones.
Some moments make you pause and wonder if breaking up is a good idea, or if perhaps there isn’t hope that you can work things out. They make you wonder if you could ever have moments like this with anyone else.
And those moments of happiness are wonderful. But they are just moments, aren’t they? Moments in the middle of the misery you are both living with. So, yes, appreciate those moments, but ask yourself if those moments are worth it.
2. They don’t want to give up
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I hear this from so many of my clients: "I am not a quitter." And I can appreciate that. No one wants to give up on anything, especially something as important as a relationship.
So, they hold on believing that perhaps even by sheer force of will, if they don’t give up, all will be fine. What I tell my clients is that both partners in a relationship must be fighting to keep the relationship — it’s not a one-sided effort.
Many of my clients give and give and give in the face of misery, hoping that their person will just love them again and that their lives together can be happy and not horrible. But if their person isn’t trying in return, there's no fight to fight.
Giving up might be the only option. Remember, giving up is okay. Sometimes there is nothing that can be done to save a relationship, and throwing in the towel doesn’t mean failure. It means that you're strong enough to let go of something that is making everyone miserable and move forward toward happiness and love.
Research indicates that couples who repeatedly reunite may do so because they struggle with letting go, sometimes due to a fear of being alone or a desire to maintain a sense of connection. This pattern can also stem from a conscious effort to rebuild and redefine the relationship, particularly when couples recognize the need for growth and change.
3. They miss certain habits and traditions
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It seems basic, but one of the reasons that you can’t stay away from each other is because of your habits and traditions. When I was considering leaving my husband because we were both miserable, it was the small things that kept me from doing so. The thoughts of no more Friday night videos, Caribbean Christmases, summer visits to my mom, and sharing carpool duties were enough to paralyze me into staying.
I couldn’t imagine there being any change in the things that we had been doing for decades. Are there things that you and your partner have always done together that seem impossible to let go of?
Whether they are big or small, they are often enough to keep you from leaving. I can tell you this: 10 years after my divorce, I have someone else to watch Friday night movies with.
Also, my kids and I have kept up the tradition of Caribbean Christmases and summer visits to my mom’s. And somehow, everyone seems to get where they need to be, even though we are no longer married. So, don’t let habits keep you in something that is making you miserable. Life is too short!
Humans are naturally drawn to familiarity and comfort, and a long-term relationship, even one with its difficulties, creates a strong sense of normalcy and routine. Research shows that the absence of these routines after a breakup can create a void and a feeling of incompleteness, leading individuals to seek to return to that familiar comfort.
4. They fear and avoid pain
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Many people don’t realize that one of the reasons that they don’t make changes — whether it's leaving a relationship, moving to another town, or changing jobs — is because they are afraid of the feeling of pain that might result. Our bodies are hardwired to avoid and fear pain — it’s a matter of survival to do so.
So, when you're faced with something potentially painful, like the loss of a relationship, you shut down.
Our brains do whatever they can to stop the pain from coming. Think about where you are right now. Is your head full of all sorts of competing thoughts?
"Do I stay or do I go? What happens if I do? Will I ever be loved again? What about the kids?" The thoughts go round and round and round, and you are exhausted and left searching the internet for answers.
That's your brain, sabotaging you from taking a step that might cause you pain. And it’s a very effective tool because the confusion shuts you down from taking action unless you can push through it. So, recognize that your fear of pain is probably a big reason why you just can’t leave.
Some research suggests that a fear of the emotional pain associated with ending a relationship or navigating the discomfort of loneliness may contribute to couples repeatedly separating and reuniting. While fear of pain is a factor, it is often intertwined with other reasons for rekindling relationships, such as lingering feelings of love, familiarity, and regret.
5. They still have physical attraction
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Many of my clients who are in unhappy relationships still have good love lives. Perhaps it’s the drama of their situation, or perhaps it’s a chemistry that has never faded since the beginning.
Whatever it is, that attraction is real and important and hard to walk away from. And when the intimacy is that good, it’s like those little moments — it makes it hard to rationalize walking away. If the intimacy is amazing, the relationship must be salvageable, right?
Unfortunately, chemistry and healthy relationships don’t always go hand-in-hand. Some people have good intimacy and just can’t agree on anything else.
Conversely, some people are madly in love, but their intimate life is a struggle. It’s very frustrating.
Like pain, intimacy is a primal thing — something that helps keep you alive and propagates the species. The prospect of giving it up can be terrifying, and the fear that you will never feel so good, intimately, again is enough to stop us from walking away from someone who makes you miserable. Knowing why you can’t stay away from each other, even though you are miserable, is the key to doing so.
If you know that when those little moments or the chemistry pops up and makes you question everything, it’s important to consider if they are enough to change things, to make you happy.
If you worry about having to do things differently or are scared of letting go, ask yourself if you could adapt, if you could ride through any pain, if it means finding love. Don’t stay with the wrong person even a moment more. Your love is out there waiting — don’t make them wait much longer!
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
