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You understand.
By Alissa Scully — Last updated on Mar 16, 2023
Independent women want space to be themselves. We didn't become so independent by accident, after all, and we know what we want. Men constantly attempt to undermine this. Not by opening the door for us — to which most of us say thank you — or by walking on the street side of the sidewalk (it's nice to be shielded from traffic splash).
No, the real things men do to undermine independent women aren't based on politeness. They have their roots in trying to win the battle of the sexes, to prove that women aren't as good or as capable as men. They're rude. They're offensive. And they're guaranteed not to get you to date number two.
Here are 11 things guys do that really piss off independent women:
1. Ordering for her.
Did she ask you to order her food in that swanky French restaurant? If not, you're presuming that you know better than she does, and what she wants to and should eat. You're invading an intimate act to assert your dominance and to show off your knowledge of French food.
Maybe she spent a semester abroad in France, assh*le. Maybe her dad's a French chef. Maybe you simply shouldn't pick what someone else is going to eat, jerkface.
2. Picking apart her outfit.
Are you her husband? If the answer is no, then you need to shut the hell up and tell her she's beautiful. Comments about what she should and shouldn't wear impinge on her ability to make her own decisions. She probably doesn't care what you think, anyway.
3. Picking apart her body.
Slow it down, cowboy. Body-shaming is body-shaming, and if you're telling your woman to lose a few pounds or work on her arms, you need to check yourself. Independent women are proud of their bodies, no matter what their shape. You're not offering helpful tips, you're being insulting and looking like a fat-hating buffoon.
4. Picking the movie without any input.
"Hey, we're going to see Captain America" isn't exactly the way to your lady's heart. An independent woman wants some say in what flick she'll be watching in a dark room for two to three hours. Making choices for a woman is a no-no. You need to ask or offer input or go see the bro movie on your own.
5. Assuming you can come upstairs for "coffee."
One date doesn't automatically buy you the nookie. It's the girl's decision whether or not to let you upstairs, and then her decision if anything happens after that. Don't assume "coffee" means "f*cking" or that you'll get invited up in the first place. And if you're not, an independent girl likes a graceful dude.
6. Assuming the end of the date means a make-out session.
When the car stops, that's not a signal for you to dive at her face. There's nothing more annoying than a mediocre date followed by a lunge at your lips. Make sure she wants to kiss you before you go in for the kill.
7. Assuming buying her dinner and a movie entitles you to sex.
You went on a date. She doesn't owe you anything, pal! You had the pleasure of her company for three hours. Money spent doesn't equal time in the sack. Independent women aren't prostitutes.
8. Pushing her downwards to suck your d*ck
This is one of the biggest turn-offs ever for an independent woman. If you want oral sex, ask. Ask very, very nicely, because you're in bed together and you should be acting very, very nicely to begin with. Never, ever shove a girl downtown and expect she'll do anything but use her teeth.
9. Flipping her over for doggy-style — without her consent.
She consented to have sex with you. That doesn't mean she consented to be your contortionist Barbie doll. For some reason, men think they have the right to just initiate doggy style by moving the woman. Initiating, by the way, what can be construed as the most subservient of sexual positions.
Independent women don't go for that. Ask nicely if she'd like to change positions, then nicely suggest doggy style.
10. Putting your hand on her back when you walk.
You think you're being a gentleman and kind of copping a feel. She knows you're actually asserting your dominance over her. This move feels innocuous but really feels like you're propelling her somewhere. Keep your hands to yourself, unless you're in a serious relationship.
11. Always driving, or always presuming you'll drive.
Women have always had the right to a driver's license. We don't cause any more traffic accidents than you do. You don't have to worry about an independent woman painting her nails while she negotiates 5th Avenue.
It's rude to always assume you'll drive, as if it's a man's prerogative, or as if women wouldn't want to worry their pretty little heads about it. And while you're at it, don't presume we can't drive stick.
Independent women want to stay that way — independent. Anything that impinges on that will make her drop you like the bad date you are. Go find a more biddable lady (ick) to put up with your bad habits. Because, as an independent woman, I can tell you: These things really make us mad.
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Alissa Scully is a freelance writer and stay-at-home mom. She got her degree in English and spends much of her time teaching freshmen, political activism, and media work.