7 Things Deeply Unhappy Couples Do Without Even Realizing It, According To Psychology
Deep unhappiness in a relationship is a slow grind down until no love remains.
Anatoliy Karlyuk | Shutterstock Marriages don’t usually come to an abrupt end overnight, but they don’t erode slowly after years and years, either. Sometimes, it only takes a matter of months for a marriage to disintegrate. In that chunk of time, if the right things go awry, deeply unhappy couples may retreat so far from each other that it's impossible to find a way back to one another.
So how do you know if you're just experiencing the normal ups and downs any relationship goes through over the years, or if it's something much more serious? We spoke to relationship experts to find out the signs that indicate your marriage might not just be on the rocks, but headed toward a more permanent crash.
Here are 7 things deeply unhappy couples do without even realizing it, according to psychology:
1. Keeping an eerily quiet home
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As a rule, no one is chatting, laughing, and sharing the big or little details of their day. “This is often where marriages crumble first,” says Wendy Strgar, loveologist and educator. “Conversation about what partners are feeling or needing stops and gets replaced with either cursory conversations about how to coexist — i.e., who is taking out the garbage, picking up the cleaning, or whatever."
We're not talking about the comfortable, contented kind of silence that people who've been together for a long time often have. It's more like a silence that's heavy with unsaid words and feelings. “One of my clients who is in the process of divorce said he knew he needed to end the marriage when he’d come home after a long day at work and he and his wife would sit together on the couch with nothing to say,” adds Samantha Burns, a marriage counselor and relationship coach.
2. Communicating only with bickering or sarcasm
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On the other hand, if every time one of you opens your mouth, something negative or cutting comes out, that's almost as bad as loaded silence. “If your marriage has devolved to this point, then you've lost more than the ability to communicate," says Strgar. "You're living in a landmine where the heart connection that keeps relationships safe has eroded, and no one is expressing themselves except through indirect, passive-aggressive comments."
On the other hand, at least you're still talking at all, even if your communication is dysfunctional. However, this is a definite last straw sign that you need to seek help, make a change, or you're headed for a breakup. “When your partner puts you down, ridicules you in front of other people, or makes fun of you, it's a sign to get out or go to therapy,” says relationship therapist Dr. Tammy Nelson. “Once you've tried that, if things don't change, your marriage is over.”
3. Flirting with other people, or thinking about it a lot
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Even if you don't act on your interest in your co-worker or former friend with benefits, if you're thinking about it a lot, it's a sign that you're not getting your physical and emotional needs met in your current relationship. There's harmless flirting that people in healthy relationships do casually and playfully because their partnerships are secure enough, and it's not a big deal. But flirting to see what else is out there because you've become so unhappy is a whole other story.
“You might think you're just looking, but this is a breach of trust and security in your relationship, even if you don't message or go out with anyone," says Burns. "In an at-risk marriage, you may look outside of the relationship to feel attractive, desired, or to feel like you matter. Do you go out with your friends but secretly hope to flirt with other men? Do you try to lock eyes with the cute guy at the grocery store? Though it may seem subtle and innocent, these are small signs you’re not getting what you need in your relationship."
4. Touching each other way less than you used to
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Happy couples, whether they've been together for a year or 10 years, touch each other in ways to indicate comfort and intimacy. They hold hands at the movies, lean heads on shoulders, or just brush up against one another while they're walking. So if little touches like this start to feel awkward or forced, or if they're not happening at all, it's a red flag, as is an infrequency of kissing or other physical affection.
“We often associate the end of physical intimacy as the moment that the relationship ended," says Strgar. "Generally, this is more like the straw that breaks the camel’s back. In a marriage when there's no genuine relationship to hold and sustain intimacy, it's simply too vulnerable to give oneself to the estranged partner. So if either of you is saying no to physical intimacy perpetually, you need to look deeper at what is really going on or get out."
5. Going out with friends rather than staying in with your partner
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“Maintaining a social life and your own interests while in a relationship is healthy, but realizing that you much prefer to spend your time with friends is a serious red flag," says Burns. "If you’ve stopped enjoying leisure time with your partner or you tend to feel more excited to spend time with other people over your spouse, you need to get your priorities straight and invest more in the marriage, or else it might be over."
Another way this can show up is by avoiding or putting off responding to each other's texts and calls. “Both of you might even 'go dark' just to avoid one another,” says Dr. Wendy Patrick, a behavioral expert. “You know where your partner spends most of their time at work, at the gym, picking up your kids from school, and yet there are time blocks spent off the radar." She suggests discussing any time periods that are "missing in action" with your partner sooner rather than later because secrets breed suspicion.
What's more, your phones can create a way for you both to avoid direct communication. “When your primary communication method consists of texting from a device designed for talking, it may signal drifting," says Patrick. "If you or your partner is glued to a device during time together, the message is loud and clear: do not disturb. We live in a world where online relationships can replace real ones. Consequently, relationship red flags often include an inordinate amount of time spent interacting online as opposed to with you."
6. Getting emotional needs filled outside the relationship
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Have you noticed you'd rather talk to your co-worker, best friend, or mom about what's going on in your life than your partner? It's one thing to vent and get support from outsiders, but if you're consistently running to a friend, or worse, an ex, to talk about your secrets and stresses, it means the emotional richness and trust that was formerly placed in your partner is going elsewhere.
“Emotional affairs typically signal a crack in the foundation of your relationship and are symptomatic of something else that might be wrong," says Burns. "Often, there’s an underlying disconnection and emotional or physical needs that have gone unmet for a long time. It’s possible to overcome an emotional affair and come out stronger as a couple, but it requires hard work that may involve professional help, commitment to the process, and learning new communication skills."
7. Having a 'me' instead of 'we' mentality
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Remember the days when you used to decide everything together, and it felt like it was the two of you against the world? When relationships are reaching their breaking point, this unified feeling is often a thing of the past.
“In healthy marriages, you think of what’s best for you as a collective unit, not just what’s in your best interest," says Burns. "Whether it’s small decisions, such as checking in with your partner before making or committing to weekend plans, or bigger choices about moving to pursue your own career goals, having a 'we' mindset over a 'me' one is essential for the survival of your marriage."
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