If You Want To Stop Overthinking And Feeling Anxious About Your Relationship, Say Goodbye To These 13 Behaviors
Anxiety in love of comes from the littlest habits you barely even notice.
Siyuan | Unsplash Overthinking relationships is a dirty, dirty habit — but it’s one many of us are guilty of. (Let her who hasn’t overthought her relationships cast the first stone.) Why did my partner do that? What do they really mean?
The question: How to stop overthinking and ruminating on obsessive thoughts? Overthinking can actually jeopardize relationships. And, even if you know it's bad to ruminate, it can be seriously hard to stop.
This habit of over-analyzing is not conducive to a healthy relationship, so it's vital to understand how to let it go. Naturally, we turned to experts to get the low-down on what we can do to slow our roll, overthinking-wise. And they had plenty of relationship advice to send our way.
If you want to stop overthinking and feel anxious about your relationship, say goodbye to these 13 behaviors:
1. Overanalyzing everything that comes out of their partner’s mouth
“Sometimes people don’t communicate properly and don’t always say things that they mean,” celebrity relationship expert and TV personality Vikki Ziegler explains.
“Just because your partner doesn’t say I love you several times a day or is not comfortable with PDA, it doesn’t mean you don’t have an amazing relationship,” Ziegler says. “Stop obsessing over certain words or lack thereof, and if you feel a certain way, ask your partner — don’t obsess over it.”
2. Focusing on how they feel instead of assessing the relationship
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You could be overthinking the relationship when you should be concerned with how you feel about the relationship/your partner. “Consider how you feel about yourself within the context of the relationship,” Jess O’Reilly, PhD, licensed intimacy and relationships expert, explains. “This can provide a better gauge of where you are than attempting to analyze everything you’ve said, done, and experienced as a couple.”
3. Not considering the best friend perspective
Sometimes, your closest friends do offer the best advice. So what relationship advice would you give them?
“If you find you’re overthinking interactions, arguments, or situations in your relationship, consider the advice you’d give your best friend if they were in the same scenario,” O’Reilly says. “Would you tell them to speak up? Would you tell them to stop overthinking? If so, you could likely benefit from following that same advice.”
4. Having too much time on your hands
Maybe you’re bored and need something fulfilling to consume you. “Get interested in yourself and make yourself more interesting,” Rori Sassoon, relationship expert and Platinum Poire CEO, explains.
“Finding a hobby, passion, or something that excites you may put the focus where it belongs — on you.” You’ll become so busy that you'll stop thinking too much about your relationship.
5. Not being clear about what you want
Often, overthinking everything about the relationship and your partner is a sign that you don’t know what you really want and aren’t getting what you need.
“Once you have clarity around what it is that you need, then you can pinpoint if something is missing in your relationship,” Laurel House, dating and relationship coach, explains. “With the specific knowledge of what is missing, you can talk with your partner so that they also have clarity around what it is that you need.”
6. Make relationship problems the star of the show
In other words, stop focusing on what’s wrong, and instead redirect your mind to what you want. “This way, you are focusing on the solution and the ideal outcome and how you can achieve it as opposed to the relationship problem,” House says.
Research indicates this can lead to a cycle of constant worry, a desperate need for reassurance, and misinterpretation of your partner's actions. This all makes it crucial to interrupt the pattern by practicing effective communication, seeking support, and focusing on positive aspects to foster a stronger connection.
7. Not saying what you mean — and meaning what you say
You shouldn’t have to read between the lines to understand your partner’s needs and intentions, so don’t ask them to do the same. “You’ll find that the more you model direct communication, the more they’ll reciprocate similarly,” O’Reilly says. “You can then listen to what they have to say and trust them instead of analyzing and looking for hidden meaning.”
Saying what you mean and meaning what you say is crucial because it builds trust, fosters genuine connection, and allows partners to address issues directly. One study explained that this authentic communication ultimately strengthens the relationship by ensuring both partners' needs are heard and by helping you assess if your partner is truly invested in your well-being.
8. Being overly negative
If your mind starts drifting toward what’s worrying you about the relationship, turn the wheel and think about your friends or your dog, text your best friend ... just stop yourself from thinking about the relationship.
“Don’t go thinking of the future or the past. If it’s meant to be with your partner, it will be,” Sassoon says. “Stay present with them and be aware of how they make you feel.”
9. Gossiping with your friends about all their relationship issues
While it’s nice to have friends who are on your side, it’s not helpful when all they’re doing is fueling the fire.
“Pity-partying isn’t helpful and in fact can be hurtful. Your friends might have the best intentions, but they might not know how to help you,” House says. “They likely won’t bring up your faults and ways that you may be aggravating the problem because they don’t want to hurt your feelings or maybe because they are so narrowly focused that they can’t see the bigger reality of the situation.”
10. Refusing to see a therapist
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Sometimes, getting professional relationship advice and having someone to talk to without judgment can be the best solution to overthinking a relationship.
“Most likely, a therapist will diffuse the situation and make you realize you are just overthinking,” Lindsey Metselaar, a relationship expert, says.
11. Isolating or quarantining yourself
Get some fresh air, with or without your significant other. “Your mind will clear, and you’ll be able to focus on living in the moment. If you travel without your partner, you will miss them and think of the good times and not overthink,” Metselaar says.
A 2016 study explained that constantly feeling relationship anxiety may lead you to isolate, but taking a weekend getaway is important for emotional regulation and self-discovery. This break allows you to pursue individual activities and hobbies, improving overall well-being and providing a fresh perspective when you return.
12. Focusing on the negative
Be grateful for the good things your partner does for you and try not to focus on or overanalyze the small things he or she doesn’t do. “Practicing this will keep you in a state of happiness and prevent you from over-analyzing and overthinking the entire relationship,” Ziegler says.
Constantly focusing on relationship negatives fuels an anxious cycle of distorted perceptions, increased insecurity, and behaviors like constant reassurance-seeking. Shifting to a more positive or balanced focus, practicing effective communication, and challenging negative thoughts can interrupt this cycle, one study recommended.
13. Not tracking how often overthinking is happening
You may feel like you’re thinking too much about the relationship, but tracking your intrusive thoughts will give you a good perspective on how much overthinking you’re actually doing and why.
“In addition to helping quantify, [it will help you] identify specific thought patterns, triggers, underlying emotions,” Rachel Perlstein, a dating coach, says. “Once you have more understanding, you can take action to address the underlying thoughts, feelings/needs.”
Ashley Papa is a contributor to SheKnows and an editor at Fox News. She has appeared in MSN Canada, Yahoo News, AOL, Insider, and more.
