I Stayed Way Too Long: 7 Reasons I Didn't Leave A Bad Marriage
Cavan-Images | Shutterstock For a long time, much of my adult life, I lived in a confusing and deeply unhealthy marriage. I called it love, even though it was painful, isolating, and full of denial. If anyone had tried to point that out back then, I likely would have shut them out completely. On some level, I knew things were wrong, but admitting it felt humiliating. I was embarrassed that I'd let my life drift so far from what I knew made sense, and even more embarrassed that I didn't know how to fix it.
What I understand now is that staying in a bad marriage isn't unusual or irrational. When you're inside a toxic relationship, fear and shame can quietly run the show. The idea of leaving, starting over, or surviving on your own can feel more terrifying than staying put. That fear can freeze you in place for years. Looking back at my nearly 20-year marriage, I can finally see why I stayed, and I see the same patterns in so many women I meet today. These are the seven reasons I didn't leave, even when part of me knew I needed to.
The 7 reasons why I didn't leave a bad marriage:
1. I couldn't see things clearly
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Maybe it was youth, lack of perspective, or the insidious nature of gaslighting, but I could not see clearly in my relationship. I didn’t know who was to blame or who was wrong, so I guessed it was me.
I married in my twenties, and I’d been with him pretty much from the beginning of my adulthood. Our relationship was like a bubble. I had little to compare it to beyond my own family life. And guess what? That original family life hadn't been so healthy either.
You need clarity. When you are unable to see things for a long period of time because your relationship is complicated, you need to get outside the repeating loop of what you are telling yourself.
Takeaway: Seek feedback and perspective from a professional who is sworn to confidentiality. Meet with a divorce coach, a life-transitions coach, or a therapist — someone who understands your dilemma from a professional perspective and who can give you objective feedback.
2. I ignored what my body was telling me
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My body kept reminding me that something wasn't right. I felt it, and I heard it, but I shut the messages out. I overrode the frequency of panic attacks.
When I heard the jingle of his key at the door, I ignored the way my gut torqued. Sometimes, bouts of stress sent me to bed in a self-loathing depression. Other times, my neck ached and locked up. I even found myself no longer speaking clearly, and I acquired a stutter.
Listen to your body. When was the last time you went to the doctor? Don’t assume your little afflictions are run-of-the-mill, or that the recurring illness, flu, or headache you're always battling comes from time spent outdoors.
Takeaway: Chronic, long-term stress undermines our health. It can cause headaches, cramps, aches, and depression, and has been linked to life-threatening illnesses. Nurture your body. It holds the wisdom you resist.
3. I was afraid of the unknown, so I accepted what I had
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Because I feared change, I spent my time justifying your circumstances. I accepted the pain. In these relationships, you settle for the devil you know over the devil you don’t.
Over and over again, you talk yourself out of doing anything concerning your relationship because you convince yourself that your life could only get even worse than what you know now. Learn what your rights are by meeting with a lawyer. And while you are at it, meet with a financial advisor.
Takeaway: Learning what your rights are and how your finances would be affected doesn’t mean you’re committing to divorce. It simply helps you understand your options so you can make thoughtful decisions about staying, leaving, separating, or rebuilding the relationship.
4. I stopped believing my life could be better
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If you choose to believe you have no choices regarding your relationship, what else in your life are you saying no to, too? I was so depressed that I could not put myself in situations where I might also fail. And I couldn’t imagine a good thing might happen to me.
This dark attitude I had, and that of other women, has shut me down in life. For some, it makes us desperately hungry for excitement. This either makes us extremely flat or spontaneous, a church mouse or a risk taker — and sometimes either one can lead to dangerous results.
Keep opening doors. Just because you see no hope in your relationship, that doesn't mean the rest of life’s doors are shut, too. In fact, going out with friends, trying new things, or looking for a (new) job — and getting it! — maybe the spark that lights your way to change things across the board.
Takeaway: Do something that inspires you. You will be amazed at what else it inspires you to do afterward.
5. I told myself I was staying for my kids
Liza Summer / Pexels
Oh, I used the kids as an excuse. But by staying where I was — too paralyzed to make a move and suffering from high-functioning depression — I was actually showing them how living half a life was a worthwhile endeavor.
And it is not. What are you modeling to your kids when it comes to facing life? Will your inability to resolve things have your kids teach them resilience in their own lives?
Takeaway: Show them Mother Bear Rules. Mother Bear may be wounded, but she still prioritizes her cubs. Stop and think. Center your attention on them. When you draw from your maternal energy, what is the best thing you could do for your children right now?
6. I assumed I had more time
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Ever feel you just woke up and 10 years swept by? They did. They do. They’re gone! Time flies.
It’s almost as if the older you get, the faster the years go by. What makes you think that hoping things will change will do anything to alter your reality when BLINK! Your life is gone! Is this how you want your life story to end?
Takeaway: Life is for the living. You only have one chance to live it fully, completely, and truly to yourself, so that in big-picture language, you have no regrets. What are you doing to make your life better, not more of the same?
7. I believed my unhappiness meant I was weak
MART PRODUCTION / Pexels
On some level, I felt small and ashamed because I'd let this relationship deteriorate to where it was. I felt that I let this happen to my life and was doing nothing about it, which meant that on some level, I felt I was to blame.
When you don’t like yourself very much, you begin to think maybe you deserve all of the bad you are getting. Do something different.
Ask yourself where your confidence is on a scale of 1-10. If your confidence were buoyed, it would help with your decision-making. No matter the life challenges — divorce, empty nesting, long-term illness — our confidence is key to transforming our circumstances.
Takeaway: Be confident in who you are. Maybe right now you only feel confident that you are weak and that life is no good. Trust that. Now nurture your confidence by saying, “I hear you, Confidence, and I am going to take a step right now to lessen that feeling!”
What is your step? Is it calling a lawyer for a legal education? Is it checking in with your kids’ school and letting them know things are not perfect at home, but you are working on improving them? Will Janie’s teacher please keep a special eye on her?
Is it getting back in touch with YOU, and going out with your girlfriends for a drink and a movie? Is it talking with a professional who has seen your situation before and can help guide you through your feelings and help you determine what the next practical steps are best for you?
Try tapping into the mantra of "Never again." Never again will you endure this confusion or this lack of faith in yourself. You will not repeat your behavior of the past, because these lessons are ingrained in you now, not only in your head but also in your soul. You have learned that true love begins with love for yourself.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Liza Caldwell runs SAS for Women, a boutique firm that specializes in helping women free themselves from dysfunctional and unhappy relationships.
