People Who Stay In Loveless Marriages As They Age Usually Have These 11 Reasons
They've come to believe that these things are more important than spending the rest of their lives deeply in love.
Gladskikh Tatiana / Shutterstock In 2023, I decided to divorce my husband. We had been together for a decade and a half. Though my marriage wasn't loveless, it wasn't sustainable either. Like many people who stay despite their feelings of dissatisfaction, I had some of the best and most thoughtful reasons to keep hanging in there. As lover-girls and guys, we'll do anything but leave.
Not every marriage will be a fairytale. Some are a combination of being with the person of your dreams and living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Sometimes a couple stays together, resigned to the fact that they will never have the kind of loving marriage they'd imagined they would when they first got married. Years pass, and separating becomes more and more complicated.
Everyone around you wonders why you would stay in a state of unhappiness, but you've done all the calculations and decided this was the best path forward. You are in a state of survival, and your loveless marriage is familiar. You know how to navigate that, for better or worse. Many won't understand, but there are several valid reasons people stay in loveless marriages as they age.
People who stay in loveless marriages as they age usually have these 11 reasons
1. They're either scared to start over or think staying is brave
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For many, the idea of starting over from scratch is absolutely terrifying. I've been there. You've invested a lot financially, socially, and emotionally into your spouse, and you need a return on the big investment. You keep pouring more of your time and energy into the marriage and getting nothing back. But the idea that creating a new life for yourself equates to starting all over is false. I had the opportunity to ask Jay Shetty a direct question once, and he told me, "You're not starting from scratch, you're starting from experience.
The sunken cost fallacy will have you trying to revive a relationship that died long ago. People who stay in a marriage after love no longer exists think giving up is weak. But it takes extreme strength and resilience to walk away from a life you have planned and worked toward for years into the unknown. You don't get brownie points for staying in a situation that's sucking the life out of you. Just misery and missed opportunities.
2. They're financially dependent on their partner
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Let's be real. In this economy, coming from a two-income household and trying to suddenly fend for yourself is scary. It feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and all it would take is one misstep for all of it to come crashing down. I certainly would not recommend it if you haven't exhausted all options. Leaving an established marriage can cause serious financial instability, and many aren't willing to take that risk. Who can blame them?
When you rely on your partner's income and assistance with shared debt, losing it can be detrimental. It will likely require a lifestyle change that you never wanted to make. People who stay in loveless marriages have thought about it and decided they would rather be financially stable than in love. And that's okay for them.
3. They worry about how family dynamics will shift
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I'll admit that no matter how much foresight you think you have into a person, you never know how they will behave when the marriage ends. You expect them to be a great co-parent, maybe keep up traditions for the kids' sake, and might be shocked when you find out none of that will happen. So, when considering divorcing a partner you no longer share love with, you think about how it will impact everyone in the family.
Even when the children are grown, you worry about the loss of the relationship between them and you or your spouse. Holidays, milestones, and parenting look different from separate homes. People who have decided to stay for family cohesion purposes don't want to risk upsetting the existing dynamic, so they choose the status quo over their happiness.
4. They have become emotionally numb
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Emotions are like muscles... use them or lose them. When you've been emotionally disconnected from your spouse for a long time, your feelings start to atrophy, and over time, you feel nothing at all. You settle into a mediocre existence that is "good enough." You find the distance between you and the person you are stuck with for life peaceful because you think that's the best you're going to get.
But if you were to decide to go and really, truly be happy, you would find that after you remove your energy from a place where love did not exist, your emotions become less dull and more sensitive. You eventually open up to someone else who shows you that settling was never in the cards for you. But that realization will only come after you've done all you can and decided you are better apart than together.
5. They fear being judged
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Many of us were taught that getting married is the epitome of proof that you are lovable. We thought that when a person chose us as a wife or husband, it would be the coup de gras for our haters. Now, they would know that we have it all, and they would be green with envy. After doing your celebratory dance, imagine having to turn around, with egg on your face, and tell everyone everything that glittered, in fact, was not gold.
Many stay because they fear the stigma of divorce. In some communities and cultures, parting ways with a spouse is frowned upon. In others, you are one of the very few who got married in the first place, so you are aspirational and don't want to let others down. In your mind, people will see you as a failure or someone who gave up when they should have continued to fight a losing fight. In my experience, you will find that people admire you more when you show them how to do the hard thing and win.
6. They're holding out hope that the flame will relight itself
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In a long marriage, it's easy to remember the way that things were in the beginning. You might hang onto hope that one day in the future, you might experience that type of butterflies-in-the-stomach with your person again. But everyone is sitting around waiting for Cupid to shoot them with his arrow so they can see each other with new eyes.
They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You got the person. You got them to marry you. But then you stopped working on the marriage and hoped it would survive. Life slowed down, priorities shifted, and your partner took a backseat to everything else. Some people cling to the hope that the love they once felt will magically return. But I can assure you that unless both of you work toward that, it won't.
7. They or their partner has health concerns
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In some cases, people who are in loveless marriages are dealing with illnesses in either themselves or their spouses. So, to them, it's crazy to up and leave someone when they are not doing well health-wise. I think we can all agree that health concerns or being your partner's caretaker are good reasons not to jump ship because you can't deal with the lack of connection and intimacy anymore. But what about your emotional well-being?
This is why proper planning should be a part of every marriage. Who will provide care under certain circumstances and what one spouse would want for the other should particular things occur, should be worked out in advance. It's entirely possible to have difficult and transparent conversations while also preserving the love that the two of you share.
8. They're scared to be alone
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For many, especially those who have been married for a long time, the mere thought of being alone is horrifying. After separating from my partner, I spent many nights wide awake, afraid to be in the house by myself, or anywhere else, for that matter. The idea of isolation can seem much worse than staying in a marriage free of love. Even in the coldest of relationships, at least the person is physically there to give the illusion of togetherness.
But so many of us confuse a period of solitude with loneliness. Passing our partner like two ships in the night was normal. We were emotionally alone, but there was a warm body moving about and making us feel like everything was fine. Solitude is the chance to get to know yourself without the pressures of pretending to be happy when you're not. If you ever decide that you and your spouse will go your separate ways, spending time alone is an important part of the healing process.
9. They are bound by religion or culture
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Religious beliefs and cultural norms can be pivotal in how you see marriage and divorce. For many people, leaving a husband or wife is a no-no, no matter how miserable things get. They are bound by beliefs that have been passed down from generation to generation or by cultural expectations that have them living their lives for everyone but themselves.
Marriage is sacred. It's a promise between two people to love, honor, and protect each other, no matter what. But what happens when one or both partners forget the vows they took? Staying in a loveless marriage, regardless of the emotional toll, will wreak havoc on everyone involved. Not only that, but it feels morally wrong and unethical.
10. They have prioritized stability over passion
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I love to love. I always believe that there is passion to be had and could never settle for a humdrum love. That doesn't mean that those who have a different mindset are wrong. Throughout life, our priorities shift, and security, familiarity, and stability start to outweigh the amazing love story you had in your head in your younger years. So, you put aside those crazy visions of a passion-filled love that keeps you happy forever.
When people stay in a loveless situation, they've resigned themselves to the new reality they face. Romantic fulfillment is no longer on the priority list, and they stop trying. But what exactly is life without experiencing soul-scorching passion with the person you love? Are you really living if you want more out of life but don't think you can get it? You've lowered your standards and gotten comfortable.
11. They don't even realize how loveless their marriage is
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You know those people who can't smell their bad breath because they are used to it? You want to yell out, "It's right under your nose!" They are closely related to the people who go through the motions of a loveless marriage without even noticing. The lack of communication, frequent arguments, minimal physical affection, absence of shared interests or activities, and the feeling of loneliness even when they are together didn't raise a single red flag.
Sometimes people don't know they are in a loveless marriage. They've spent so many years distracting themselves with kids, jobs, friends, family, and other pressures that they never noticed the emotional disconnect between them and their spouse. The only time it becomes apparent is if someone points it out, or they happen to see what a loving connection looks like elsewhere.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
