6 Simple Signs Of Low Emotional Maturity That Show Up In Everyday Relationships
novak.elcic | Shutterstock While these relationship issues — which, truthfully, are most often found in men —are somewhat grating on my nerves, the romantic in me (the part of me I hide away like a deep dark secret that no one should ever be privy to) finds a beautifully endearing quality in their behavior. But since we're keeping my romantic side in the closet, let's cover my top pet peeves about partners with low emotional maturity that show up in even the best of relationships.
Here are 6 simple signs of low emotional maturity that show up in everyday relationships:
1. They don't listen
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I once heard that men only hear about 20% of what's being said, but based on my experience, it's about 40%. Research from the Radiological Society of North America shows that men use 50% of their brains while listening. Still, they miss a whole lot of what we say! Perhaps I'm boring, or maybe they just don't know how to listen properly. I'm thinking the latter.
2. They don't give themselves a good once-over
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I love bedhead, so I'd never knock that. But if I had a penny for every time I had to tell a dude his lips are a dusty shade of pink because of toothpaste, I'd be sitting in a Park Avenue apartment right now. According to psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, a lack of self-awareness is one of the key markers of emotional immaturity in relationships. She notes that emotionally immature partners often struggle to recognize things about themselves that seem obvious to everyone else.
I've also dated too many men who do the "smell test" to see if something's clean before they put it on — doesn't smell, they're wearing it. Researchers actually studied this across 56 countries and found that women consistently hold stricter hygiene standards than men. This is likely because women have traditionally been the ones responsible for keeping things clean. So that casual sniff-and-shrug approach to laundry? It's legit.
3. They're bad with dates
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As in, calendar dates. How many more times do I need to tell you when my birthday is? Do we need to go over this again? Forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, and other meaningful dates isn't just about having a bad memory. As psychotherapist Dr. Assael Romanelli explains, serial forgetters create a complementary dance where one partner casts themselves as the "forgetful one," and the other must complement that role as "the one who remembers everything." Sigh.
4. They 'can't deal' with emotion
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I'm a woman. I'm emotional. I probably, a lot of times, border on dramatic. And yeah, I'm going to cry, and I'm going to make a scene, but the scene would be a lot less dramatic if they could just "deal" with my feelings instead of clamming up.
Renowned American psychologist Dr. John Gottman has a name for this: stonewalling. It's one of his "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," the behaviors most likely to predict divorce. And the interesting part is that his research found that men are consistently more likely to do it than women. When conflict comes up, they withdraw emotionally while their partners stay engaged, trying to work through it.
5. They ignore expiration dates
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Oh, the eggs have a date on them from two months ago? No worries, they'll eat them anyway. Trauma therapist Becca Reed notes that since people expect to get what they want fast, they often don't consider the long-term consequences. In a marriage, this pattern goes beyond spoiled food. It shows up in finances, health decisions, and household responsibilities, leaving the more mature partner perpetually picking up the slack and worrying enough for both.
6. They speak in code
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How much time have I wasted on a single sentence from a man? A lot. What did he mean? What was he trying to say? It could go on for days. Whereas men, on average, just don't overanalyze the way we do and, in turn, don't understand why we do so. But boy, do they say some insensitive stuff that causes us to overanalyze — and then they never apologize for it — because oftentimes, they don't even realize what they said came across as insensitive.
But there's good news: being able to love someone despite their quirks, or maybe even because of them, is actually a sign of a healthy relationship. Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that both accepting your partner and feeling accepted by them play a big role in how satisfied couples feel.
So, curse you, men, for being so darling with all your flaws and wonkiness! Curse you for making me love you even more despite all the trouble you give my brain and heart! Curse you, men and partners and husbands — we love you.
Amanda Chatel is an essayist, lifestyle, and intimacy health writer with a focus on relationships, women's reproductive rights, and mental health. Her bylines have appeared in Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Livingly, Mic, The Bolde, Huffington Post, and others.
