The 5 Most Important Elements Of Relationship Compatibility, According To Psychology

1. Chemistry

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Chemistry is something of an abstraction, a certain je ne sais quoi, but you know it when you feel it — often, immediately. It’s the effortlessness with which you can interact with a person. It’s the way the conversation flows, the synchrony of your wants and movements, and the subtle pulse communicating back and forth almost subconsciously.

The most straightforward assessment of it is what I call the “DMV test.” When you get stuck in boring situations with that person, like wading through traffic, waiting for a doctor’s appointment, or having to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles together, do you still have fun? If so, then I believe you have the number one most important thing a relationship needs.

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2. Comfort

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Intimate chemistry is, in part, an extension of general chemistry. Feeling comfortable with each other, and otherwise in sync can get you part of the way there in bed, but it won’t be everything you need.

If you’re going to maintain an intimate relationship with this person and not feel dissatisfied all the while, this type of synergy is a requisite. Intimacy gets markedly better as we continue to do it with the same person over time, but there’s a spark and compatibility that’s either present here or it’s not.  

It can be a terrible realization that you lack intimate chemistry with someone you otherwise really like, but ultimately, a romantic relationship is a physical one. Thus, this factor can’t be overlooked.

While it might offend some readers, I advocate for moving to assess intimate chemistry soon after you’ve made the realization that you both have general chemistry. There’s little you can do to control this, so better to try and determine compatibility early on.

Research cautions that while physical chemistry significantly influences initial attraction and relationship satisfaction, it's not the sole determinant of a successful and lasting relationship. While a strong physical connection can contribute to overall relationship happiness, other factors like communication, trust, mutual respect, and shared values are crucial for long-term compatibility and well-being.

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3. Shared Interests

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Shared interests become more or less important depending on one’s personality. Some people feel fairly indifferent to how they spend their time.  

Some can just go with the flow and aren’t particularly passionate about any hobbies or interests. However, others feel exactly the opposite. 

If you have hobbies that are at the core of your being and that consume a huge amount of your time, then it becomes critical that your partner shares them to some extent.

If we can’t have them participate with us in our favorite pastimes, we can often feel like we’re being forced to choose between our partner and our passion, and we can also come to feel unseen, as if whatever part of us goes to that activity is of no interest to them. 

This can all foster resentment in the long run. On the other hand, when they do share that interest, it opens up a whole new area of life wherein you can both grow together and appreciate one another.

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4. Shared values

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First, for us to like and respect our partner, we have to be able to have some degree of admiration for their character. Second, a lot of the conflict in a relationship stems from underlying differences in the individuals’ value systems.

Who should do what, how we should communicate, how we should seek to resolve problems, how we should present ourselves to the world, etc., are all fundamental questions in a relationship, and all of them deal with the values held by each of the partners.

Most people try their best to come off as reasonable, humble, and kind early on in relationships, and it’s when that veneer begins to slip when we’re seen in trying times or simply when we’ve grown comfortable, that some of our true idiosyncrasies come out, and it can mark the beginning of the end for a relationship.

It’s here, on the question of shared values, that I’d urge the reader to put forward the effort to develop an understanding of what it is they can and cannot accept. A mature approach would, first, recognize that people are not saints and that we are not the sole arbiters of truth and righteousness.

For example, it is more likely than not that, if you are in a relationship, your partner is currently allowing you to believe a falsehood or misapprehension about them that you would consider significant. This commonplace betrayal is very likely one that we should just try to come to terms with.

People lie, people act against their interest, people hurt people they didn’t mean to, and so on. Do not look away from the “bad” parts of the people you love. Look at it head-on and decide whether or not it’s acceptable for you. Prioritize asking for and giving forgiveness, for this is the most important practice when it comes to maintaining an enduring relationship.

And when you have been as generous as you’re capable of being, and found something you simply cannot tolerate, then draw a hard line. Having common values is critical, but it’s just as important that you be mature enough to accept some failings with open eyes and to defend your hard boundaries without exception.

A 2023 study argues that partners who share fundamental values are likelier to build strong bonds, experience mutual respect, and navigate challenges effectively. Significant value discrepancies, however, can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and relationship dissatisfaction.

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5. The ability to grow together

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This is the pragmatic factor. A person must be in a place in their life, and of a predisposition so that you can move forward together. 

Your partner cannot always be a drag on you. If you are ambitious, they should have goals they’re moving towards as well. If you are a hard worker, you should not be with someone content with constantly being idle.

There is a lot of give and take in a relationship, nothing is ever gotten for free, and many times our weaknesses are their strengths and vice-versa, but if one of you is constantly trying to develop and build and the other is prone to stagnating and tarrying, then time will tear you apart whether or not you wish it to.

I am a romantic in every sense of the word, but there are some inescapable realities, and this is one: Where they’re at today needn’t necessarily determine where they will be tomorrow, and repeated failure is hugely different from a refusal to try, but you must both have something of the same fire and sensibility within.

You cannot build a life with someone unwilling to try to partner with you in the endeavor. Moreover, and this is really where this final factor becomes distinguishable from shared values, the person must be at a place in life where their situation allows them to grow and build.

It can be hard to start a family with someone who already has kids and sees themselves past that milestone, or to chase your goals alongside someone who feels they’ve already accomplished all they wish to.  Conversely, it can be that they’re not yet ready for the same pursuits as you, and maybe they’ll want those things someday, but you want them now, and waiting years for them to turn that corner just isn’t realistic.

In matters of love, the heart should be our guide, but when the heart is conflicted, we can perhaps gain some reassurance from the head and the list above.

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Martin Vidal is a writer and stock trader. He’s the author of “A Guide for Ambitious People” and “Flower Garden: Reflections on the Human Condition.”