9 Basic Signs Not To Marry Her
Not every woman’s going to be a good match for you.
janiecbros | Canva Calvin* is a good man. He’s the type of man who wants to do right by women, even when it’s not the easy thing to do. Lately, he has been facing pressure from his long-term girlfriend Katie* to move the relationship along. It only takes a quick look at his facial expression to realize that he’s not exactly thrilled about this.
He’s in one of those relationships where it’s not quite good enough to progress, but it’s too good to stay. He doesn’t need her, but he does feel bad about dumping her. Katie is one of the few women who I respect, but don’t think would work out well with my guy friends.
Their relationship is the embodiment of the adage, “You can care for someone but also not be right for them.” That’s why I advised him to do something that shocked him: break up with her.
There are few things as tragic to me as a good man marrying the wrong woman. Fellas, if you’ve been thinking about popping the question, make sure none of these things are true before you do.
Don't marry her if these 9 basic signs are there:
1. You don’t really like her or like being around her.
I think that most men know when they love a person, but don’t like them. If you’re a guy reading this, I want you to ask all the following things:
- Do you find yourself physically attracted to her?
- Is being alone better than being with her?
- Do you feel like you don’t have much in common with her?
- Does your life feel better with her in it?
- Are you proud and thankful to be with her?
- Are you safe around her — emotionally, physically, and financially?
- Do you feel confident around her?
- Do you love her?
If any of the following don’t ring true, chances are you might not like her, but rather, you like what she provides for you. I’ll be blunt. Should that be the case, the kindest thing you can do to her and your future self is dump her. It may not be easy for you, but it will be better for both of you in the long run. You may need to learn to stand up on your own two feet again, but you will be happier for it.
2. You can’t trust her.
The best indicator that you are not right for one another deals with trust. Do you genuinely trust her? I’m not just talking about infidelity here, either. Marriage has medical and financial connotations. If you had to give her Power of Attorney right now, would you be okay with her making the call for your medical decisions?
If you can’t trust her or feel like she’s not with you for you, move on. Marriage is one of those things that require trust. If you’ve already caught her in a lie or saw her steal from you or manipulate you, run. This can and should be a dealbreaker for everyone who is involved in a relationship.
3. She doesn't like your friends or family members — or refuses to engage with them.
Abuse happens to men too. The first step female abusers take is to make it hard for their friends or family to like them. This is never done quickly. It’s done by slowly cleaving you away from your crowd. The easiest way to do this is to refuse to speak to them, leaving you alone with them while they question why they’ve never met your partner. Or, they may try to start fights with them, speak ill of them, or just make things unpleasant for you to be around them.
If she does this, it may be time to dump her. She’s not wife material because your spouse should enhance your life, not ruin your connections.
4. Your goals and lifestyles don’t match.
Guys, I’ve seen way too many men make this mistake! Please, please, please, please do not be the person who marries someone hoping they’ll “change their minds” on major things like where to live, kids, or careers. I have seen so many relationships start out dreamlike, and then turn into a toxic bait-and-switch. It happens to both men and women. Oh, and it always ends in a bitter, acrimonious divorce.
If you are the person trying to change her goals and dreams, then you can stop this from happening to you. You don’t want to hurt her, and while it may hurt you to do so, you need to break up with her. I promise you, you will have a better time single or married to someone who’s in the same boat as you. On a similar note, if she’s telling you that she wants you to move somewhere unaffordable for you, that’s a sign.
5. Your bedroom life is already ailing.
Do we really have to take a trip down Reddit’s r/DeadBedrooms to say this? If your intimate life is already ailing or dead, locking it down will not change the situation for the better. It will only mean that you’re stuck with a partner that doesn’t want to sleep with you. Moreover, in 10 years or so, it also might mean you’ll be stuck with divorce papers.
6. Arguments and drama are more than 20% of your relationship.
I use an 80/20 rule in relationships — 80% of the time, your relationship should be good and drama-free, and 20% of the time, your relationship should deal with problems and arguments. (That’s at a maximum, by the way.) Relationships take work, but they shouldn’t be hard. They shouldn’t take away from your quality of life. If you find yourself apologizing for her behavior, putting out her fires, and basically second-guessing yourself, she’s not good for you.
PRO TIP: If your trusted friends warn you not to marry her, please listen to them. They may have a point that you’re not ready to see.
Mladen Mitrinovic / Shutterstock
7. You only want to marry her because you feel like you have to.
A lot of men feel the pressure to settle down with a woman (or even a specific “type” of woman) because everyone tells them to. These guys don’t really like their fiancées. They just are going through the motions because “that’s what you do.”
If you live in a religious family, have lots of conformity pressure aimed at you, or are feeling squeezed to marry, this might be the case for you. If you are marrying her just for the status or money, this might also be you.
Don’t do this to yourself. This is how resentment builds, infidelity takes place, and men end up being prisoners of their own lives. Other people’s desires for your future have no impact on you. You’re the one who will live with your life decisions. Not them. Stand up, say no to the ring, and meet a girl you actually like.
8. She can’t 'adult'.
You should not marry a child. If she cannot function as a normal adult, she probably is not marriage material. This means that you need a wife who can:
- Hold down a job
- File taxes
- Budget
- Keep a clean house and cook meals
- Communicate like an adult and say what she wants
A person who has the emotional maturity of a toddler is not going to be a good life partner. In fact, it’ll just make you the adult parent of a kidult. Trust me, you don’t want that.
9. She doesn’t introduce you to her friends or family.
This is a bad sign because it means she likely doesn’t want to marry you either. She’s not making an effort to include you in her family life. If you want to marry her, she needs to do that. A woman who keeps kicking the commitment can down the alley is a woman who doesn’t want to commit to you. Even if you propose, she probably won’t say yes.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.