7 Signs The Messy Chapter With Your Ex Truly Needs To Be Closed For Good
When every interaction with your ex feels like déjà vu drama, these signs prove it's time to cut ties for good.
siamionau pavel | Shutterstock We get it — breaking up with your ex and moving forward with your love life is easier said than done. That’s why we are here to tell you how to perform an “ex-orcism” on yourself. Read on, and we assure you that you will feel more confident and ready to finally stop obsessing over someone who is holding you back from finding the man you deserve.
There is no definite answer for how long it takes to get over a breakup, but one study showed it took an average of 12 weeks. Whether you’re still tipsy-calling your ex or merely emotionally holding on by a hangnail, staying connected to your ex in any way can wreak emotional havoc on what’s next for you.
Here are 7 signs the messy chapter with your ex truly needs to be closed for good:
1. Your level of contact with your ex makes your current partner uneasy
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Whether you’re serious or not, if your new love interest can see your connection to your ex, it’s a sign that you need to cut the ties.
Your contact with an ex can lead to jealousy and insecurity, emotional confusion, decreased satisfaction in the current relationship, and a lack of closure for one or both individuals. Some research indicates that continuing contact with an ex is associated with greater emotional distress and poorer adjustment after a relationship ends.
2. You become jealous when your ex mentions a new love
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Feelings of jealousy when your ex starts seeing someone new can be confusing, especially when you've convinced yourself that you've moved on emotionally or are seeing someone new yourself. Don't be hard on yourself — take this as a sign that you may still have healing work to do.
To avoid the pain, some people resort to unhelpful behaviors such as seeking revenge, sending 'accidental' messages, or rushing into new relationships. A 2023 study concluded that these actions can backfire, causing more emotional distress and prolonging the healing process.
3. Your mood is negatively affected when you don’t hear from your ex
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Going "no contact" after a breakup is a crucial part of the process of moving on. As marriage therapist Leanna Stockard explained, ceasing contact with your ex helps to prevent both you and your ex from falling back into the same patterns and potentially ending up in a relationship again.
If your ex went from talking to you regularly to slowing down contact, they may be struggling with their feelings for you or could be seeing someone else. Either way, if you find that their lack of contact is affecting you regularly, it may be a sign you're still harboring feelings for them.
"If you continue to stay in contact with an ex, there is a possibility that these emotions will continue to remain high in intensity," psychology professor Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, PhD, explained.
4. You've saved old texts from an ex and revisit them frequently
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This is one of the biggest things keeping you in the past with your ex, thus keeping you from moving on, according to one study from the University of New Hampshire.
Reflective nostalgia is the unhealthy version of restorative nostalgia. This happens when memories make your current life seem disappointing by comparison, convincing you that your best days are behind you.
5. You still cyberstalk them on social media
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Don't worry — we're all guilty of this. Unfortunately, research has proven that keeping tabs on your ex's social media is actually bad for your health.
What this habit is really doing is keeping you tethered to someone who's supposed to be in your past. Delete the apps if you have to. Whatever it takes to break the cycle.
The discomfort of not knowing is temporary. The freedom that comes from finally letting go? That's permanent.
6. You compare every person you meet to them
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The tough love truth is, you could be casually casting your future husband aside because of the inaccurate pedestal you’ve propped your ex up on. (How many future husbands are you willing to miss out on in your quest to keep your ex in your life? We vote for none.)
Obsessively comparing new people to an ex often involves idealizing the former partner while minimizing the problems that led to the breakup. A 2019 study concluded that this distorts reality and creates a fantasy that no one can live up to.
7. You're more focused on your ex's future than your own
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If you are obsessed with who he’s dating, what he’s doing, worrying about whether he’ll get married first, have a baby first, win the lottery first, then you need to perform an “ex-orcism” and kick your former flame to the curb immediately.
No more calls, texts, emails, or contacts of any kind. Going cold turkey is hard, my friend. Believe it or not, it can also be your best friend who will one day lead you to your future husband.
Don’t you agree that you deserve to move on to a better, brighter man? Don’t become trapped in your past relationship.
Breaking up with him is not an easy task, but we are confident that you can fulfill it! Just think: every time you resist the temptation to call, text, or cyberstalk him, you will be one step closer to finding the man of your dreams.
Dr. Shelia Robinson is a celebrated publisher, best-selling author on leadership, inspiring speaker, and talent innovation specialist.
Lisa Steadman is a breakup expert, bestselling author, media personality, and highly sought-after voice for women who are redefining what having it all looks like.
