Why People Can’t Help But Stalk Their Exes On Social Media, Even When They Don’t Really Care What They’re Doing Anymore
It all makes sense now.
Hirurg from Getty Images Signature | Canva Pro We're all guilty of checking in on our exes on social media. We might do it more frequently right after a breakup, but there's always that sort of compulsion to see what they are doing. C'mon, don't deny you've checked in on your high school boyfriend from time to time. It's really nothing to be ashamed of. Chances are, he's looked you up, too!
Even if there are no romantic feelings anymore, there's always a compulsion to check in our their lives. Are they happy? Do they look the same? Are they living the life they dreamed of? Maybe we want to see if we really are better off without them, if they are dating someone new and have "downgraded," or perhaps, deep down, we are holding out hope for a reconciliation.
We might even look them up for the closure we never got. For answers as to why the relationship ended. Was it mutual, or did actions from one or both parties lead to a split? But the real question is, why do we need these answers?
Science says stalking our exes on social media gives our self-esteem a little boost.
A study from the University of Western Ontario found that 88% of people on Facebook tend to check in on their exes. That doesn't include all the respondents too embarrassed to admit they do it! With a percentage that high, let's be real, we all "creep," as researchers dubbed it, on past partners.
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And while we might feel weird for browsing their social media, it's actually a very natural thing to do."We're hardwired to pay attention to other people," media psychologist Pamela Rutledge, who studies the impact of media and technology on our lives, told MentalFloss. "Even if we broke something off, we want to fundamentally believe that no one can replace us. We want affirmation that we're valued or a good person, so we’re hoping that without us, they're going to be a little bit sad or suffer a little bit," she continued.
And there is the cold, hard truth. Something deep down inside of us just needs to know that the time we had together was significant. That it was meaningful. That it somehow changed their life. So yeah, maybe celebrating their recent divorce isn't something you want to brag about, but the reason behind why you feel that way makes a little more sense.
Remember this: breakups hurt. They hurt our hearts, but they also hurt our pride and our self-esteem. And even though you know deep down that staying together would not have worked, getting that little boost, even if you aren't exactly feeling insecure in the present moment, still feels good. It's as simple as that.
You might not want to advertise that you 'creep' on your exes, but you also shouldn't feel guilty about it.
So, we know that nearly everyone is using social media to check in on their exes, and that basically means it's natural human behavior. In layman's terms: Stop feeling guilty about it. As Rutledge put it, "You're not endangering someone, you're just being really curious."
And there is the important caveat. As long as your curiosity about your ex isn't obsessive or dangerous, you really have nothing to worry about. Rutledge explained, "Obviously, there's a fine line. If you are investing a lot of time following someone, then you probably ought to evaluate how you're spending your time. At that point, it's become totally about you. It isn't about the other person at all." So while checking in on our exes via social media is normal and expected, there is a tipping point, and if you think you've crossed it, it's time to ask for help.
If you're unsure about where that line is, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapist Alexandra Abla Sergeyevna explained, "While some people may just check in on their ex’s social media out of curiosity or a desire for closure, it’s important to recognize when this behavior becomes unhealthy. If checking becomes obsessive — such as stalking their page, tracking their movements, or intrusive investigation of their personal life — it becomes a problem."
Additionally, the study found a link between jealousy and time spent on Facebook.
Like with anything that starts off harmless, however, creeping on an ex can become a slippery slope. That means it's important to limit your sleuthing. That's because, according to the University of Western Ontario research, the more information you dig up on your ex, the more you might want. And because of that cycle, you could end up crossing that line into unhealthy obsession.
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If you find yourself itching for more details after doing a deep dive on your ex's socials, Sergeyevna stressed that you should consider the impact that sleuthing could have on not just your well-being, but also on any current or future romantic relationships. She noted, "Constantly checking an ex's social media can also negatively impact your ability to form new, healthy relationships. It keeps you emotionally tethered to the past, making it difficult to fully invest in new connections. You may find yourself comparing potential partners to your ex or bringing unresolved baggage into new relationships. This behavior can create insecurity and distrust in new partners, hindering the development of healthy attachments."
Ultimately, it's human nature to want to know what our exes are up to after a breakup. If you get the itch every once in a while, you really shouldn't stress about it. But rather than dwelling on the past, focus on your own present and the opportunities in your future. Better yet, put down your phone and live your best life.
Nicole Weaver is a senior writer for Showbiz Cheat Sheet whose work has been featured in New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, and more.
