7 Quiet Signs You're Not A Priority In Your Partner's Life, According To Psychology
These hidden signs show your partner has stopped caring about your relationship a long time ago.
shalom de leon | Unsplash Yes, it’s possible to feel unhappy in your marriage without even knowing what constitutes an unhappy marriage or relationship. You and your spouse may struggle to communicate, or perhaps you don't feel happy with them anymore, or start to consider divorce. If so, you'll likely begin to wonder how to fix a broken relationship.
What constitutes an unhappy marriage or feeling like you're not a priority to your partner? The list is long — sometimes predictable, sometimes not. Some symptoms are present in one or both partners, and some are present in the dynamic between them.
But the truth, as anyone who has ever struggled to come to terms with what constitutes an unhappy marriage knows, is written between the lines. It has a prologue in history and writes itself in the details whose significance grows to the point of an unavoidable impact.
People who don't feel like a priority to their spouse also often suffer from low self-esteem and may need more building up and assurance than a partner is willing to provide. They may demand that all their needs be met by their spouse because they find it difficult to stand on their own two feet.
Here are 7 quiet signs you are not a priority in your partner's life, according to psychology:
1. Your life goals are worlds apart
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Marriage is hard work — really hard work. Staying connected on the essential aspects of your relationship can easily take a back seat to its pragmatic demands.
People change their preferences. (Since when did you want to live in a yurt?) Their interests and ambitions evolve. (I’m sorry, you want to give up neurosurgery to run a non-profit?) If spouses aren’t staying connected through the subtle shifts, they will forget their common goals and drift apart.
2. Communication is strained or non-existent
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In one way or another, everything comes down to communication. How you dish it up determines, in large part, how you get it back. Attributes like self-accountability and healthy boundaries are essential to effective communication.
When partners get lax with what and how they communicate, they set the stage for their marriage to erode. At the very least, they risk waking up one day and not really knowing the person they married. A clear sign of emotional neglect is when a partner dismisses or invalidates your feelings, leading to strained communication.
Research has also shown that differing priorities and investment levels can manifest as strained communication. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may subconsciously minimize the importance of the relationship.
3. You don't feel heard
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The quality that gives marriage its power to help with personal growth and maturity lies in the hope of feeling heard. Truly, deeply, non-judgmentally heard.
We all know the difference between someone hearing us at the ear level and hearing us at the heart level. Active listening is a commitment of love, an extension of positive, supportive intention. And it is foundational to true intimacy and growth in a relationship.
If you want to be heard, you have to do the work of listening. Not listening or feeling heard is at the heart of what constitutes an unhappy marriage.
4. You feel constantly criticized
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Constant put-downs, belittlement, and judgment are symptomatic of a marriage in the danger zone. Criticism (vs. constructive feedback) doesn’t come from a place of love. It tears down instead of building up. And underneath its expression is usually resentment or general disapproval, or disappointment in your spouse in the marriage.
Research by renowned American psychologist Dr. John Gottman shows that frequent and escalating criticism is one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" that predict a relationship's failure. It is not just the presence of criticism but its habitual nature that is destructive.
5. You fantasize about life without your spouse
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When you stop dreaming about your future as a couple and start daydreaming about life as a single or with someone else, it’s time to push pause. Fantasizing about life without your spouse often indicates susceptibility to or the early stages of an emotional affair.
While occasional daydreams can be normal, frequent fantasies about being single or with someone else often signal unmet needs, stress, or checking out from the relationship. Research has shown that people in unhappy relationships may use fantasies to create an idealized, alternate reality where they are in control and don't face the issues in their current life.
6. You have an 'emotional spouse' outside your marriage
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In the quest to feel heard and validated at a heart level, you may turn to someone outside your marriage who just seems to 'get you.' He listens to me. She makes me feel important and appreciated.
Energy invested in the surrogate emotional spouse is energy that needs to be invested in your marriage if you are going to save it.
7. You don't spend time together
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Time is the only real commodity we have, and the choice to share it with another person is a statement of valuing that person and the relationship. When you stop spending time together — and stop enjoying time together — you make a different kind of value statement.
The list of what constitutes an unhappy marriage could go on and on. So many factors and entities come into play in every relationship.
Research suggests that consistently prioritizing individual desires or activities over joint experiences indicates a partner's lack of care and investment. This behavior can stem from various issues, all of which diminish the partner's perceived value and make them feel like they are constantly chasing the relationship.
If you are questioning the happiness in your marriage, you may get greater clarity by describing what a happy marriage looks like or would look like to you. How did you feel and communicate in the early days of your relationship? How do you want to feel and how do you want your marriage to look today and in the years ahead?
Are your expectations realistic or based on what your relationship was like in the infatuation stage? Realizing that your marriage has slowly “packed on the pounds” can be startling. And trying to figure out what to do about it can be overwhelming.
Dr. Jerry Duberstein, Ph.D., is a couples therapist, and his partner, Mary Ellen Goggin, JD, is a relationship guide. They lead private intensive couples retreats and are the co-authors of Relationship Transformation: Have Your Cake and Eat It Too.
