Psychology Says People Who Rebound Too Quickly Often Show These 10 Signs
Igor Korzh | Canva We might seek the X-factor in a man, but the "ex" factor is undoubtedly the bane of every woman’s existence. It's that horrid moment when you start to realize you're in a relationship with a man you love, but who may still have feelings for his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend that he can't seem to let go of.
Sometimes, love drapes a cloth so thick over our eyes that we ignore even the most obvious warnings. Wouldn’t it be splendid if you could avoid heartbreak and prevent the humiliation of being his rebound by paying closer attention to a few habits? It’s never too late.
Psychology says people who rebound too quickly often show these 10 signs:
1. Every little thing reminds them of their ex
Imagine this: you get all dolled up and meet him for a romantic dinner, and the moment your food arrives, he comments that his ex-girlfriend always ordered the very same item. You let that slide, but as the evening progresses, the references just keep increasing.
When the night ends, you probably know more about her than you know about him. This is surely a sign she is always on his mind. If you continue dating him, you might see that he finds excuses to talk about her and casually slips her name into every conversation you have. You don’t need to be OK with this because it is not OK.
2. They often talk about their ex when you're together
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Even if you forgive him for ruining dinner, talking about her while getting physically intimate is a big deal breaker. There is nothing creepier than reminiscing about being with her while he is with you, or telling you about the "cool stuff" she taught him.
A study of rebound relationships suggested that men were found to be more likely to enter rebound relationships after a breakup if they had lower levels of social support and more emotional attachment to their ex. The whole point of a rebound relationship is to fill the void that is left after a painful breakup.
3. They tell their ex big news before they tell you
Whether it’s a new job, a promotion at work, or even something as innocuous as getting a haircut, you should be the one to know about it first. But if he tells her before he does you, then things are definitely fishy. If you complain, he will bring up the age-old, "but she is still one of my friends" excuse.
Is it OK if he still talks to his ex? In some cases, yes, especially if they were friends before they started dating, or if you get along with her on a genuine level. Otherwise, there's no need for him to tell his ex information that you should know first.
Researchers investigated the characteristics of romantic relationships, breakups, and their aftermath to show that difficulty adjusting to a relationship breakup is normal, and so are attempts to remain in contact with an ex-partner. However, that seemingly benign form of contact can hurt a new love interest.
4. They listen to songs about lost love and spew hateful things about their ex
Your music preferences can say a lot about your state of mind. If he keeps listening to doleful songs about past lovers, he's the quintessential lovelorn swain.
Now, the moment you make a joke about this, he will get immensely angry and say the meanest things about her. Don’t be fooled by his apparent animosity. He only says those things because he can no longer be with her. Grapes are sour, remember?
5. They monitor their ex on social media
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Liking her photos is not a crime, but if he keeps liking everything she posts, no matter how inane or stupid, and keeps tabs on her activities across all social media platforms, he has not forgotten her. This becomes especially apparent when he does not do the same with your posts and fiercely defends himself (“I liked it because she said something intelligent!").
Research on partner monitoring after a breakup found that both offline and online surveillance of an ex perpetuated romantic feelings of attachment and hindered a person's ability to adjust to a breakup.
6. They still have photos of all their other exes except one
Maybe he's the kind of person who remains friends with his exes and adorns the wall with their photos. If that's the case, why is her photo absent? It could be because he harbors feelings for her, and looking back on the memories they shared is nothing short of painful.
"In the process of getting over an ex after a breakup, a woman will generally allow herself to feel all of her painful emotions," explained relationship expert Randy Skilton. "The process is extremely difficult, but it helps women gain both emotional clarity and closure. Men, on the other hand, will most probably bury their feelings and apparently move on. For instance, men may make a deliberate effort to start dating immediately. As such, they will procrastinate processing the breakup and the relationship."
7. They behave weirdly when talking to their ex
He talks to all his friends in front of you, but when she calls, he slinks into the nearest empty room and locks the door. If you try to hear what they are talking about, you cannot. He will whisper like he's finalizing a clandestine deal. Once the call is over, he will be distant and distracted and even act jumpy if you ask him about it.
Relationship coach Joan Jerkovich cautioned, "If they just broke up, your new crush should not still be hanging out with their ex. There are rules for staying friends with your ex, and most of the time, it doesn't happen right away. These rules also hold for texting, DMing, and other various ways of connecting with exes."
8. They give their ex personalized gifts
Birthday gifts are normal, but not if he's giving her something that has special meaning. It’s even worse if he gives her something that belongs to him — like his t-shirt or a photograph of the two of them with a personal message.
If this happens, you may find yourself wondering, "Should I date someone who still loves their ex?" If it's gone this far, with him still talking to her, stalking her on social media, and discussing their prior intimate life, it's worth deciding if this is the relationship you want to stay in.
9. They are still very close with their ex's family
He will continue visiting her family or engaging with them on Facebook. He will have conversations about her with her mother, share secrets with her brother, and continue schmoozing her father. This is one of the major signs he still loves his ex and is merely finding ways of being a part of her life in some way.
Spending time with an ex's friends and family can be a way to maintain his identity. A 2006 study found that longing, sadness, and anger are the primary emotions following a breakup. However, these emotions were all driven by a loss of identity after the relationship ended.
10. They tell you they still have feelings for their ex
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Drunk dialing and texting are common, often harmless things. Taking things one step further, he will cry and pour his heart out. You might think he's inebriated and, therefore, his words mean nothing. You might even console him and tell him you're there for him. But pay heed to all that he says.
These signs that he still loves his ex are heartbreaking for anyone to experience, and you may ask yourself, "How do I get him over his ex?" The truth is, it has more to do with him than it does with you. You can give him a chance to talk about how he feels, listen to him, or support him, but there's only so much you can handle before you decide to find someone who will make you a priority.
What should I do if my partner still has feelings for their ex? It's not fair to you if he's trying to reconcile with his ex while dating you! It's even harder if he is your boyfriend and you fall in love, making things harder due to his commitment to be your partner while knowing full well he isn't over his ex.
If he's honest with you and tells you he's struggling with commitment issues, it could be a good sign that he's ready to deal with it and move on; however, it's up to you if you want to wait for him to work that out. If you think he needs more help but the two of you want to stay together, it might help to attend couples therapy sessions and see how that works.
Abhinanda Datta is a Field Editor at Patch and a former editor for 22nd Century Media. Her reporting has been featured in Chicago Magazine and The Telegraph.
