8 Psychological Tricks To Keep You Safe When Breaking Up With A Narcissist
Leaving a narcissist is scary, but there are ways to keep yourself safe and sane.
Alexandra Lande | Shutterstock After some time being with a narcissist, it feels impossible to leave them. After all, you may be quite a different person now thanks to their manipulative tactics. But there are certain psychological tricks to keep you safe when breaking up with a narcissist that will allow you to move forward without being pulled back in.
In order to survive emotionally, you have to extract yourself from this relationship. Long-term partners of narcissists lose their sense of who they are, giving up on ever being cherished valued or loved, and spending all their time navigating the minefield that is their relationship. Ending a narcissistic relationship is more difficult than other breakups, but it's essential to maintain your sanity and safety.
Here are 8 psychological tricks to keep you safe when breaking up with a narcissist
1. Allow zero contact
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Why is this so important? Because you are vulnerable to seeking validation from your narcissistic ex. You still want answers, you still want closure, even though you know, intellectually, that none will be forthcoming. And this makes you very susceptible to this person.
As narcissist expert Edwin Bii questioned, "Why do their words mean so much to you? Why are you willing to apologize or go back to them because their word has meaning in your life?" According to Bii, the main reasons include low self-esteem and being reminded of a narcissist from your past, like a parent.
So, one of the psychological tricks to keep you safe when breaking up with a narcissist is to act as if this person never existed. The person you miss today was nothing but smoke and mirrors. Hold on to that and keep the door bolted shut.
2. Be aware
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It's not always easy, but the more you can enhance your awareness of the truth, the better off you’ll be as you try to end your relationship. Remind yourself that it was a toxic relationship with someone suffering from a personality disorder.
Therapist Elinor Greenberg explained that narcissists are incapable of loving anyone, not even themselves. Their inflated ego is not real — it’s full of emptiness and air. Accept that you fell in love with an illusion and focus on moving forward.
3. Forgive yourself
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Don't blame yourself for your toxic relationship with a narcissist because you didn't recognize the master manipulator. That’s why this person is a master — it’s hard to pick up on it, often for years, because the illusion was, and sometimes continues to be, so convincing.
It's important to be compassion and kind with yourself. Because, according to research, "Those who practice self-forgiveness have better mental and emotional well-being, more positive attitudes and healthier relationships. A related outcome ties self-compassion with higher levels of success, productivity, focus and concentration."
4. Say goodbye
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Perhaps one of the most essential psychological tricks to keep you safe when breaking up with a narcissist is to say goodbye to the person and relationship, as neither were ever real to begin with.
You have lost not so much a relationship as your version of reality — the relationship you wanted and hoped you had found. The horror of facing that it never existed is very real. Say goodbye to that illusion, and let yourself grieve.
5. Cut yourself all kinds of slack
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A relationship with a narcissist is emotionally draining and, as such, there's a lot of recovery time. Realize that your energy — mental, physical, and spiritual — has been consistently drained. Rest, lie low, and give yourself a literal and figurative break.
By being kind and gentle to yourself, removing any ounce of blame, you'll be able to move forward in a healthy and productive way. Cutting yourself slack leaves you room for focusing on yourself and reclaiming your individuality.
6. Take baby steps
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After breaking up with a narcissist, the transition from a roller coaster to a “normal life” doesn't happen in an instant. But once you start moving in a positive direction, you'll find yourself feeling lighter.
"Because of how you were treated, parts of life will never feel the same. This is both a bad and good thing. It’s bad because narcissists are so insidious that they leave scars that often aren’t found until much later. It’s good because once you kick the narcissist to the curb, the life you were already living seems to overflow with joy, authenticity, and presence," psychology writer Brad Johnson explained.
7. Detox
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Because you're emerging from a controlling environment that was toxic to your core self, detoxing is another of the psychological tricks to keep you safe when breaking up with a narcissist. Instead of staying ignorant of how to detect a narcissist and the ways they act when confronted, educate yourself.
That means arming yourself with knowledge to truly understand the dynamics of narcissism so you can see it for what it is. Then let it all go, just like in a good detoxing cleanse.
8. Process the pain
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After a breakup with a narcissist, processing everything takes time. The manipulation and abuse you experienced can seem impossible to understand and easy to obsess about. To stop the obsessive thinking, shift your thoughts. If you ever find yourself seeking explanations for your ex’s behavior in yourself, stop. Realize that nothing you did made them treat you that way.
But don’t focus on what’s wrong with them, either. That gets you nowhere. Practice thinking about what is right with you. Soon, your self-esteem will return, you will remember who you are, and your spirit will return.
Betty Russell is a dating and relationship specialist dedicated to providing singles with solid information, proven dating skills, and an attraction plan to find the right partner.
