Couples Who Love Their Kids (But Not Each Other) Usually Do 9 Things To Stay Together
NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock Parents who don’t want to put their children through the pain of a separation might choose to stay together for longer than they otherwise would because their love for their children outweighs their lack of love for one another.
There’s nothing inherently right or wrong about that, but it does require work to stay together in those kinds of situations.
When a couple has deep love for their kids but not each other, they'll usually do these practical things to make staying together work:
1. They keep fighting to a minimum
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Everything depends on a couple’s individual circumstances, but there’s a good chance that they won’t have the best feelings for each other if they feel like they had to give up on their romantic relationship. Conflict would be totally understandable, especially if they planned on continuing to live under the same roof.
It’s not good for their kids to see that, though. Minor disagreements are just a part of life, but what experts call destructive conflict, which includes insults and the silent treatment, hurts kids’ mental health. A couple who chooses to stay together for their kids’ sake would never put them through that, no matter how much self-control it required.
2. They develop separate personal lives
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Couples in this situation obviously won’t want to hang out with each other all the time, so it’s a good idea for them to have separate groups of friends and to spend their free time in different ways. Honestly, it’s better for them to spend less time together so there’s as little tension as possible.
It sounds counterintuitive, but this isn’t bad advice for a couple to follow when they want their relationship to work. Relationship psychotherapist Charisse Cooke explained that people think having the same interests is the best formula for romance, but that’s not always true.
If it’s OK for couples to be interested in different things even when they’re in love, it’s definitely not a problem when they need to create as much space as they can.
3. They treat each other like life partners
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When two people are in a relationship, they're often referred to as partners, but our society treats love and partnership as two very different things. A couple who’s in love might choose to work together like partners, but their romance would still come first.
This changes when their feelings and goals change. Remaining together for their children means that a couple has to function more like colleagues and focus more on dividing and conquering their responsibilities at home.
4. They stick to a routine so everything runs smoothly
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It’s easy for couples to bicker about who’s supposed to do what and when, even when they love each other. This means it's helpful for all families to work out some kind of routine, especially since kids really benefit from knowing what they can expect.
Routines become even more vital in these situations. Without a sense of structure, each parent will try to push what they think is best on everyone else. There’s no way they could get through that without arguing.
5. They treat each other with respect
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Kids might notice a slight difference between the affection their own parents and their friends’ parents show each other when they’re together but not in love. The goal should be for them to never notice a difference in the respect they show each other, though.
Children have to learn that respect isn’t dependent on agreement. Their parents are some of the best role models they have. When they want to make it work, they’ll treat each other with dignity regardless of what happened to them as a couple.
6. They don’t try to live a perfect life
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No one is capable of creating a perfect life for themselves or their children, so couples that are facing extra challenges shouldn’t try to reach some impossible standard that they couldn’t even meet when they were still in love.
Unrealistic expectations only lead to disappointment. Just because a couple is choosing to do life a bit differently doesn’t mean they can build whatever they want, and they’ll get hurt if they think they can.
7. They get support from other people
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Couples act as each other’s support system during the best times, but they can’t rely on each other in the same way after redefining their entire relationship.
This is when it’s essential for them to have other loved ones they can turn to. Chances are they’ll even need to vent about each other and their new arrangement at some point, so they need an unbiased third party to talk to and lean on.
8. They never criticize each other in front of their kids
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Feeling safe is part of a child’s healthy development, but they can’t feel that way when they always sense that their parents are on edge. Kids are actually able to recognize toxic behavior between their parents at a very young age. Couples who don’t even try to hide their resentment are just making things worse.
They might criticize each other pretty frequently in their minds, and they might even let some choice words slip when they’re alone, but they wouldn’t want to undermine one another’s authority in front of their kids or make it seem like one of them is better than the other. That would completely defeat the purpose of what they’re trying to do.
9. They reevaluate what they want from time to time
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When a couple comes to the conclusion that they don’t love each other anymore, that realization can feel very final. And, if they didn’t want to stay together for their kids, it probably would be.
It’s totally possible for couples to get back together after spending some time apart, though. They might notice that they had a stronger bond than they realized while working together to give their children the best lives they can.
On the other hand, trying to stick together like this might just make their bitterness grow to the point that it’s not healthy for them to be together at all. Either way, they have to remember that what they choose for the immediate future doesn’t have to define the rest of their lives.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
