If A Person Is Obsessed With Being Perfect, You’ll Know It By These 3 Exhausting Behaviors
George Milton | Pexels For some people, striving for perfection feels like a good thing. After all, as a perfectionist, you give everything your best, most concerted efforts. However, perfectionism doesn't mean your work will be great, and in some cases, trying to be perfect all the time can actually become a self-sabotaging habit.
Perfectionists often don't just want their work to be perfect — they feel like it needs to be, to prove their value to themselves and others. That can lead to an endless inner cycle of self-criticism that lowers self-esteem over time. Although I generally avoid being a perfectionist, I am suffering from the self-sabotaging effects of perfectionism right now as I edit a challenging, long chapter in my seventh book.
Losing count of the endless iterations, I find the whole process very humbling. It also exposes how closely my ego is entangled with this process, even though I should be able to let go after less obsessive experiences with previous books.
Yet, in this situation, I realized my issue is tying the chapter topic too closely to who I am, believing its perfection could avoid possible failure. This is just one way that perfectionism can contribute to low self-esteem, negative self-talk, and actually limit your joy over time.
If someone's obsessed with being perfect, you'll spot these obvious behaviors:
1. They tie their work too closely to their identity
Take a moment to step back and identify how the underlying reasons you're striving for perfection affect your self-esteem. For me, the reasons for chewing my book material to death dwell in my vulnerable pride and my attempt to avoid criticism.
Instead, I decided to share what’s “good enough” for now, taking my colleague up on her generous offer to read and comment on the chapter. That put some distance between my perfectionist ego and the project.
"If your worthiness, your value as a human being, is tied to your ability to be perfect, the moment you misstep, the moment that you're imperfect, the moment that you do something that doesn't set you up in this nice light, is the moment perfectionists tend to crash out and self-protect," cautioned therapist Vienna Pharaon.
2. They avoid new experiences for the 'safety' of perfectionism
Until now, I thought perfectionism was other people’s ways to avoid endings, possibly a form of escaping the “death” of a project when it comes to a close.
As long as the work stays in process, the sense of loss from its ending is avoided, and the dream of great outcomes remains possible. Issues, such as the following, may also be avoided when perfectionists refuse to leave their little bubble of safety:
- Having to deal with a more difficult project or person is better avoided
- Untying the complex knot of fear of success and fear of failure
- Preferring the comfort of the known and predictable
4. Perfectionists prefer predictability over challenges
Oleg Ivanov / Unsplash+
In an interview with the New York Times, cartoonist and author MacArthur Fellow Gene Luen said, “There are so many contradictions and so many potential hazards [with trying new things]. But you just have to run directly at what you’re scared of.”
Actually, what challenges or intimidates you is often key to choosing worthwhile paths. Actor Taraji P. Henson noted this about how she decides on parts to play in an interview: “If the role does not scare me, I won’t take it, because it’s not going to change me. I won’t be transformed; therefore, the audience won’t benefit from the transformation. There’s nothing for me to do."
Perhaps ask yourself, does focusing on the “perfect” distract from identifying and addressing what’s truly worthwhile? Does it mute the guiding clues and creative energy from positive emotions and ideas for taking sensible risks that will encourage further development?
To continue moving beyond limiting habits, your answers to the following questions could help you assess or possibly dismantle at least one of them. Whenever useful, ask yourself:
- How do perfectionism and related habits, such as negative self-talk and self-criticism, limit professional progress and possibilities at work?
- Do these tendencies keep me from taking timely action related to other opportunities?
- How will I feel about myself if I avoid dealing with what’s holding me back?
As you know, berating yourself and aiming for often-impossible (and possibly boring) “perfection” wastes time and energy ─ unless you ask yourself one question: “What can I learn from understanding and weakening this habit of perfectionism?”
Use your responses to free yourself further from any related limiting, self-sabotaging tendencies that thwart your progress. Instead, be as kind and generous with yourself as I hope you are with others. Keep building those positive habits of kindness as you reach for the adventure of new experiences and growth.
To stimulate good shifts and steer away from the pitfalls of perfectionism, hit the reset button by using the Danish concept of pyt (sounds like pid), which will help you derail stress. Also related and accessible is James Clear’s recent book, Atomic Habits, which shows how small daily, positive actions will accrue over time and help you battle your own perfectionistic tendencies.
Ruth Schimel, Ph.D., is a career and life management consultant and author of the Choose Courage series. She guides clients in accessing their strengths and making viable visions for current and future work and life situations.
