11 Phrases A Husband Says When He Wasn't Raised Around Real Love
Not all men were taught how to express and accept love.
ShotPrime Studio | Shutterstock Many wives find themselves feeling beyond frustrated at their husbands' difficulty expressing themselves within the marriage. And while it's not always so simple to pinpoint a reason, the way a man was raised says a lot about how he handles himself around his wife. When he uses one or more of the phrases a husband says when he wasn't raised around real love, it can cause real problems in his marriage.
Some men learned to avoid emotional intimacy, while others might not have seen much affection and love in the household to begin with. This causes many men to struggle, as they aren't sure how to react or what to say to help put their wife at ease. And although this doesn't erase or excuse their behavior, understanding why they say what they say helps husbands recognize that their past is holding them back.
Here are 11 phrases a husband says when he wasn't raised around real love
1. 'I don't know what you want me to say'
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There's no greater frustration to a husband than hearing his wife argue with him repeatedly about the same topic over and over again. He doesn't understand where she's coming from, and he doesn't know what to say to make the situation any better.
Growing up, his parents might have remained silent and simply ignored one another. Even despite arguing, his parents were no longer in love with each other, as they actively avoided one another as much as possible. Now that he's in a loving marriage, he doesn't know what to say since his family rarely ever talked much during conflict.
According to a 2024 study, negative communication impacts a person's satisfaction in the relationship. But just because he isn't the best at it now, that doesn't mean he can't actively improve in the future. As long as his wife is patient and able to guide him, any husband can get better at knowing how to respond during conflict.
2. 'I didn't think it would bother you'
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When a man is raised in an environment where unconditional love between parents is never obvious, and then gets married, he likely will utter one of the phrases a husband says when he wasn't raised around real love. Husbands who weren't raised around real love likely had parents who rarely catered to one another.
On Valentine's Day, his parents didn't celebrate. When it was their anniversary, it was just another normal day. He may have noticed one or both parents resentful of one another when these milestone celebrations were ignored. In the end, this didn't teach him much as he's now a husband who has difficulty being compassionate or understanding towards his wife.
According to Steven Stosny, PhD, founder of CompassionPower, "Compassion is necessary for the formation of emotional bonds. We fall in love only with people who seem to care how we feel." But just because they grew up this way, it doesn't mean they can't change. If a husband isn't sure, it's always better to ask than risk setting off their partner.
3. 'I'm just not the affectionate type'
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Sure, not everybody wants affection all the time, but there's a difference between needing space and being avoidant of affection. Human beings are designed to crave connection and affection from one another. From infancy to adulthood, physical touch such as hugs can be the difference between grounding oneself or losing oneself in anxiety.
As associate psychology professor Nicole K. McNichols, PhD, explained, "The correlation between anxiety, depression and stress and touch is large and inversely related. It has been found that touch calms our nervous center and slows down our heartbeat. Human touch also lowers blood pressure as well as cortisol, our stress hormone. It also triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone known for promoting emotional bonding to others."
Unfortunately, this likely isn't a lesson a man has learned when he wasn't raised around real love. Needing space or having boundaries is more than okay, but never saying "I love you" or outwardly showing any emotion isn't normal.
When someone is in love, they'll naturally gravitate towards their partner. From wanting to be near them to simply holding hands, they will naturally show affection, unless they weren't raised in a loving home.
4. 'You're being too emotional'
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If there's one rule any husband should be aware of, it's that the worst thing they can say to their wife is that she's being too emotional. Yet it becomes one of the phrases a husband says when he wasn't raised around real love, and it often backfires.
Nobody likes to feel as if their emotions don't matter. They don't want to feel dismissed, and they certainly don't want to be portrayed as "crazy" for simply expressing what's on their mind. But husbands who dismiss their wives' emotions and refuse to hear them out are effectively shutting them out.
According to research published in Frontiers in Psychology, feeling unimportant leads to loneliness. For husbands raised in loveless households, they can't help themselves. Since their parents never outwardly expressed their emotions, anything remotely emotional becomes too much for them, and can negatively affect their otherwise healthy marriage.
5. 'Why do we need to talk about everything?'
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In any marriage, there will come a point at which sitting down and talking things through is essential. It might be uncomfortable, but through healthy conversation, both parties can clear up any misunderstandings and come to a resolution that takes both of their needs into consideration.
For certain husbands, they may verbally ask their wife why they need to talk about anything. Hearing this as a wife can be both frustrating and hurtful. All a wife wants to do is solve the issue, while a husband is bent on ignoring it.
But ignoring the problem isn't a good long-term solution. As a wife begins to feel less heard and ignored, she might slowly begin to feel resentful. So, while a husband might not think it's necessary to discuss every little thing with his wife, without discussion the marriage might be over before he knows it.
6. 'I'm not good with emotions'
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While a husband might not be good at talking about his emotions, there's a reason for it. Most of the time, when someone says they aren't "good with emotions," it means they weren't taught how to express and accept them. From their parents never expressing their emotions to growing up in a neglectful or toxic home environment, husbands might struggle to express themselves.
Even so, being vulnerable is important for the longevity of marriage. According to licensed couple's counselor Kari Rusnak, "Being vulnerable creates emotional intimacy and connection. Opening yourself to your partner shows and builds trust and helps them understand you on a deeper level."
While he might struggle to express himself directly to his wife, writing a letter allows him to be reflective and comfortable in his vulnerability. Not only will he better understand how he's feeling, but he can use that as a guideline to better express his thoughts.
7. 'You overthink too much'
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Husbands who don't know much about love tend to have a very simple-minded way of thinking. Instead of allowing things like simple emotions to get in the way, they may tell their wife they overthink too much. And there's no worse feeling for a wife to have than pouring her heart out only to be met with this phrase.
But husbands who say this don't always say it to belittle them; rather, it's because they truly can't understand or agree where they're coming from. Even so, couples don't have to agree to validate their partners' emotions.
According to psychologist and author Karyn Hall, PhD, "Validation is one way that we communicate acceptance of ourselves and others. Validation doesn't mean agreeing or approving... Validation is a way of communicating that the relationship is important and solid even when you disagree on issues."
Even if husbands don't agree with where their wives are coming from, they should do their best to validate those emotions and uplift them. After all, doing so will only make the relationship stronger.
8. 'It's fine'
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One of the more subtle phrases a husband says when he wasn't raised around real love is "It's fine." In the back of his mind, he might be bothered by something or feel hurt by something his partner did. But rather than argue, he actively chooses to pretend his feelings don't exist.
In the long run, this never works out, as suppressing emotions leaves the negative ones intact while getting rid of any positive emotions, according to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Despite this, many husbands don't truly understand the weight of their words until it's far too late and they feel resentful of their relationship. To avoid this, partners should always be upfront and open. While it might seem like it will only hurt the relationship, what truly makes a relationship end is a lack of communication, not overcommunicating.
9. 'Just tell me what you want me to do'
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Men aren't mind readers, yet all too often they are expected to know what women want or need from them. This is especially true for men who weren't raised around real love, who tend to just outright ask their wife what they want them to do.
It might sound aggressive, but men who weren't raised around true love don't know how else to express their frustrations. They tried meeting their partners' needs, and tried being logical, yet none of their reasoning skills helped make the situation any better.
With nowhere else to turn to and nothing else to say, they'll ask their partner what they want. For the other person, the solution might be simple. Maybe they just want quality time together or a little help with household chores. Men won't always know that, even if they've been married for years, and as frustrating as this is, the best thing to do is to simply tell them upfront.
10. 'Can't we just move on?'
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After an intense argument, couples tend to take some time to decompress and then come back to the conversation. But for men who weren't raised in an environment where real love was shown, he may avoid the topic altogether and ask his wife to just move on. But what he fails to realize is that this isn't so easy. When the other person is hurt, it can feel dismissive to let bygones be bygones, so to speak.
A woman might agree if she feels as if nothing she says is getting through to him, but this doesn't mean it's truly over. During future arguments, a wife who hasn't had closure might bring up stuff from the past, triggering him again to ask the same question: "Can't we just move on?"
This vicious cycle almost always ends in disaster, as wives get tired of feeling dismissed. This is why husbands need to do the inner work to heal. Even if they don't have any good examples of real love, this doesn't mean they don't have resources. If they're open to it, couples counseling can be a useful tool that can help both parties better understand one another.
11. 'Don't worry about me, I'll handle it'
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A husband who wasn't raised around real love might tell his wife not to worry and he will handle it, but this doesn't stop his wife from worrying. Women want to know what's going on in their husbands' minds so they can help them. However, it's hard to do this when they feel shut out.
From begging them to talk to simply involving themselves, many women feel as if they have no choice but to go to the extreme because their husbands refuse to communicate with them.
Understandably, these husbands don't really know any better. After all, they were raised around their parents, who never sought out one another or asked for help. But if men want a better marriage built on mutual love and support, opening up, communicating, and being vulnerable are all essential.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
