Perpetually Single People Almost Always Ignore This One Aspect Of Being A Good Partner
These are the reasons some people cannot seem to find a real, connected relationship.
Vovatol via Shutterstock People underestimate the power of vulnerability in relationships. Not just being available, but truly being willing to risk some heartbreak in order to connect with someone they love. In fact, people who cannot seem to keep a healthy relationship going often lack the ability to be vulnerable, often without realize what they're missing.
We don’t want to be emotionally vulnerable without careful discrimination any more than we would want to be undressed in an unsafe environment or relationship. Self-protection is a very human instinct, one at which we are universally proficient. That may be one reason why a healthy, engaged partner won't continue in a relationship with someone who isn't being vulnerable.
Yet when you can be intimate with a trusted other, there is no need for a disguise, and that is beautiful. One of the most important reasons I wrote my book Getting Naked: On Emotional Transparency at the Right Time, Right Place, and with the Right Person is that I am fascinated by how we become more whole by finding ways to be emotionally vulnerable with trusted people in safe places.
Perpetually single people almost always ignore this aspect of being a good partner: emotional vulnerability
You are not being your complete self
Becoming whole implies becoming more of who you are meant to be, more unapologetically yourself. Becoming whole is inextricably twined with being fully seen by another. There has to be a witness. You can be physically naked by yourself, but being emotionally naked alone serves no purpose, no true revealing. It must be a relational experience with a trusted other.
You may have created your own prison
Anastasiya Nedohonova via Shutterstock
You may have things you are afraid to share that may be shaming, hurtful, or just plain uncomfortable. But you also have some beautiful and unique desires that you may have kept under lock and key, and that is a huge obstacle to finding a loving relationship.
It is important and necessary to have a safe place, but that does not have to feel like a prison. Each of us looks for fulfillment and authentic happiness in our own way. According to Carl Jung, life purpose and spiritual searching most often emerge in midlife after we have experienced a variety of life’s ages and stages.
You haven't created a place of balance and personal power
Think of the most beautiful place you have ever been. Go there in your imagination and pay attention to all the details of sound, visual, and emotional feelings in that place. Then go there in your mind whenever you need to be energized or calmed. This is your place of power, security, and centering.
Create a centering routine that you can do effortlessly. For example, a daily walk in nature, bicycling, Tai Chi, yoga, inspirational reading, journaling, or meditating. What else can you choose to have available to you to do routinely?
You need to take time for extreme self-care, quiet, and self-reflection
Embrace and welcome change and learn from it. It is what it is, and change is constant. Believe in serendipity. Things do happen for a reason, but we don’t always know the reason until we figure it out. The present is about learning how the future can be allowed to unfold.
Ingredients to help you in this process:
- A completed past
- An energized and purposeful present
- A compelling, magnetic future that pulls us forward by irresistible attraction
We want a compelling future, one where we live free. Break free from your self-imposed prison. What is your vision? What is your passion? For a life of flow and peace, look forward to surprises, side trips, unexpected experiences, and embracing (not fearing) change.
Hugh Prather in Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Person, said, “Today never hands me the same thing twice, and I believe that for most everyone else life is also a mixture of unsolved problems, ambiguous victories, and vague defeats — with very few moments of clear peace. My struggle with today is worthwhile, but it is a struggle nonetheless and one I will never finish.”
We are always in a state of becoming, but if we keep ourselves imprisoned and protected always, we will become what we already are and live as we already do… and nothing else.
You need to find a committed listener for deep sharing by testing the waters slowly
You really cannot trust everyone, but you can trust some. And a few is all you need. Educate those who you think you can trust to be confidential. They don’t have to fix you. They just need to hear you.
You need to write about it
Namart Pieamsuwan via Shutterstock
Write about your shames, blames, scars, or unshared dreams and aspirations first to yourself. This will help you desensitize yourself to the story you tell. Then have a live conversation about some aspect of this journaling with a trusted other. Do not write details to another at this stage. Share in the moment to hear yourself and to be heard by another who can hold what you share and keep it sacred to you.
You can consider hiring a professional to speak to
For example, a therapist, counselor, coach, or minister. But research them first! Make sure of their credentials and reputation from other clients. Imagine the space in your heart and soul you will open if that which you have hidden in the darkness is brought into the light. Who will you become? How will you live?
You don't have to take it personally
Opinions are just that. They are not the truth but someone’s perspective, just as your view is. The ability and willingness to stay present to another’s nakedness is something that many people cannot do.
That is why taking it slow and being cautious, but not paralyzed, is important. Find your trustworthy few and cherish them. And you can return the favor by being a committed listener to others.
If you do all of this to love and accept yourself, warts, wrinkles, and scars, then you will be more lovable and more truly attractive to that loving relationship you seek.
Dr. Pat Williams is a psychologist, Master Certified Coach, and Board Certified Coach.
