These 9 Old-School Breakup Rules Have Somehow Aged Remarkably Well
Getty Depending on how you break up with someone, research suggests you could inadvertently cause even more heartbreak. When ending a relationship, you owe someone the decency of breaking up in person, instead of over text or email. Or, even worse, having someone do it for you.
The hardest type of breakup is one where you still love your partner. You might have noticed some undeniable red flags, and you have to do what is right for you. To not burn unnecessary bridges (or at least ease the transition), you want to break it off nicely while remaining honest. You might think about breaking up by text, but no one deserves an awful, heart-wrenching "it's over" text message. Luckily, you can use these old-school breakup rules that have aged remarkably well to end things with someone face-to-face and still be respectful.
These 9 old-school breakup rules have somehow aged remarkably well:
1. Sit them down and explain why you want to end the relationship
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You should have a prepared explanation for why you want to end the relationship — don't leave them hanging. It's even worse to leave them without saying goodbye. Keep in mind that the person you're planning to leave has been part of your life, and they deserve your respect.
Matchmaker Susan Trombetti suggested this approach if your partner is becoming more separate from you or is changing a lot. "Maybe there is this sense that they are becoming more separate from you, and it’s because they are disengaging from you at least on an unconscious level before the physical breakup," Trombetti explained. "If you have different goals and start becoming different people, going in different directions, you are on the rocks as a couple."
2. Be honest — sugarcoating your feelings doesn't help
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You need to be honest. Don't make excuses for why you are breaking up with them — stick with the truth. Excuses only complicate things in the future. It's better to tell the truth because, at least once it's all over, both of you can move on without any questions waiting to be answered.
If you're afraid that telling the truth might hurt your partner, tell yourself that although the truth may really hurt, your partner deserves to know the whole truth and nothing less. If you got tired of them because they were boring and annoying, tell them directly. Don't be rude in saying so. The advantage of telling the whole truth to your partner is that they can work on their weaknesses and mistakes. And in the future, they won't be faced with the same problems. Hopefully, their future partners won't have to leave them for the same reason you did.
3. Be direct and straight to the point
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When you break up with a person, don't be a tease. Don't ever play with their feelings and emotions. The moment you break up with someone, they will feel vulnerable. They might not be expecting the breakup and will need to process their emotions. If you want to stay friends, tell them. But don't say things that will purposely hurt their feelings.
4. Be firm and confident in your decision
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Don't be overly nice. Being too nice can give your partner false hope that you might want to get back together at some point. Make a clean break and be clear that you want the relationship to be over. Dating coach Lori Peters affirmed, "One of the most challenging parts of your heartbreak is loneliness. You have so much love in your heart, so now where is it supposed to go? To those who deserve it, that's who."
5. Be clear and concise when telling them how you feel
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Tell them you are breaking up, and then clearly state your reasons. Keep it serious and on topic. Avoid laughing or smiling when you're talking and be empathetic. You really wouldn't enjoy it if someone was smiling while breaking up with you, either. "Practice what you need to say," advised mindfulness coach Moira Hutchison. "You'll feel more comfortable if you know the main points you want to communicate. With practice, you're more likely to articulate your message more clearly and avoid saying hurtful things you might later regret."
6. Tie up loose ends
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You may not be able to solve your unresolved issues, but try to keep the breakup civil and friendly. Emphasize clearly yet nicely the need for both of you to move on. Don't sugarcoat your reasons, because you will only end up not getting your point across, and you could end up making your partner more confused than before.
Relationship coach Randy Skilton emphasized, "It's over if your ex cut off all contact, and they don't want to stay in touch at all. It’s over. If your ex avoids going to places where you might be, even places where they would typically want to go, your ex is trying hard to ensure that the two of you have no reason to connect again."
7. Be brief and don't waste too much time arguing
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Don't dawdle. That would only add to the anxiety of your partner, and it's not worth arguing at this point since you're ending the relationship altogether. If you want, you can tell them that you still want to be friends, but if you don't want to be, don't say it.
Life coach Debra Smouse was clear that "You deserve to love yourself and have a life worth living. All of it. And that means that you may have to make tough decisions. Those tough decisions allow you to find your inner strength and find ways to love yourself even more."
8. Be gracious and gentle towards your soon-to-be-ex
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Don't forget to express your gratitude to your partner for the time you spent together. Admit that you shared some happy moments. "Rather than dwelling on the past and trying to fix what went wrong, it's really just time to let go," advised relationship coach Janet Ong Zimmerman. "You may continue to think about your ex, your good times, and how much you miss them. But holding on to a past love clutters up your heart and mind. Letting go opens up the space and possibilities to attract the partner of your dreams."
9. Don't assign blame and avoid shaming your partner
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Research has shown that self-esteem is reciprocal in relationships and is affected by how satisfied the partners are in their relationship. The study helped explain how lower self-esteem from dissatisfaction often predicts the end of a relationship.
So, try to put yourself in their shoes and understand how they feel. If someone were to assign blame to you, it would make you upset, right? That's why it's good to avoid that part altogether (so you can avoid another argument).
Christina Young is known as "The Healing Heart Coach" through her work as a surviving infidelity expert and relationship coach.
