If You Feel Like You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone, These 7 Habits Will Help You Finally Break Free
How to stop ruminating after a difficult breakup when nothing else has worked.
Mr Arif | Canva When falling for that special someone, it can almost feel magical, and sometimes that love can consume you in the best way possible. Yet in the same way that there are many reasons people fall in love, there are also reasons people yearn to fall out of love.
Perhaps the relationship is no longer benefiting you in ways that it used to and has become toxic, or you don’t feel valued and respected in the relationship anymore. Whatever the reasons may be, it can be difficult to not only realize you need to leave the relationship, but also that you need to do the work to fall out of love and stop thinking about someone altogether.
As insurmountable as it may seem, it is possible to fall out of love and stop ruminating on someone. And it’s possible to do it in a healthy way that won’t leave you feeling broken, empty, and helpless. Research has found that while some couples experience a clear pivotal moment where they realize the relationship is over, others describe a more gradual erosion of feelings.
If you feel like you can’t stop thinking about someone, these 7 habits will help you finally break free:
1. Take time for yourself
The best way to get over someone is to realize that you have everything you need within yourself. You’ve lived a full life before them, meaning you can surely live life after them.
Remember the activities and hobbies you used to do, and take them back up again. Maybe even pick up new ones as well. Remember that you're good at doing things and take that opportunity for a self-esteem boost.
Spend some time with yourself in a way that will allow you to fall out of love with the other person and fall more in love with yourself, because the best kind of love is always self-love.
2. Focus on what you didn’t like about your partner
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When you find yourself struggling to forget about your partner — if you find yourself spiraling back into the past, reminiscing over someone who has nothing positive to add to your life in this moment, in the present — it can be helpful to remember all of the things that you didn’t like while in a relationship with them.
“Make a list of all the things that annoy you and drive you crazy. All the things you wish you could have changed or improved,” says Ronnie Ann Ryan, a love and cosmic coach. “Then, when you start to feel that longing or miss the person, review your list to remember why you want to create space between you and lessen your feelings of love and connection.”
This is especially helpful later on, when you feel ready to put yourself out there again, because you'll know what you don't want in a relationship. And that's just as important as knowing what you do want.
An article by the University of New Hampshire explained that after a breakup, it's common to remember the positive aspects of a relationship and forget the negative, leading to idealization of the ex-partner and the relationship. Focusing on the flaws, disagreements, and negative qualities helps to counteract this tendency and prevents getting stuck in a cycle of longing for what was.
3. Let yourself feel hurt
The best thing you can do for yourself is to allow all of the sadness, anger, and hurt to come to the surface. Let yourself feel all of the emotions. Validate every one of your feelings. They're real, and denying them will only make everything hurt more.
However, don’t hang on to them for too long. Acknowledge how you feel, but don’t be scared to give yourself a deadline for how long you can spend feeling sad. You will learn to let these feelings come and pass with time.
Once the time is up, you will feel better about continuing to move forward without the other person in your life. Releasing all of that emotion can give you room to grow and experience all of the positive and new adventures your life has in store for you.
Don’t be afraid to let yourself feel — those emotions are nothing but healthy.
4. Write your thoughts down
In any relationship that falls apart or simply isn't meant to continue, one of the best and most cathartic things you can do is write down whatever you’re feeling as you're feeling it, throughout the process of letting go.
Grab a journal and just let your pen fly across the page. Don’t stop to think about it — just write every thought and feeling that comes pouring out. Write down everything you wish you could say to the other person. Write down your dreams in the middle of the night. Go ahead and do a "brain dump" of whatever's on your mind before bed to clear your mind.
Writing in and of itself is therapeutic. It can prove to be the thing you need that can help you fall out of love and move on. On top of that, keeping a journal allows you to see, in real time, how much you've grown from the beginning of all this hurt to where you are now. Realizing that growth is such an amazing gift that you deserve to claim.
Journaling provides a private and non-judgmental space to freely express the difficult emotions associated with a breakup, such as sadness, anger, confusion, and fear. While expressive writing generally offers benefits, some research suggests it may not be universally helpful, and some individuals may experience temporary increases in distress.
5. Get rid of all the memories
Keeping anything that reminds you of the person you are trying to move on from can make it more difficult to make a clean break and truly move on. Throw away the boxes of their things (or return them) and toss possessions that remind you of memories you’ve shared with your partner — concert ticket stubs, keychains, and that old sweatshirt that doesn't even have a drawstring in it anymore.
This also applies to social media. Unfollow them, and maybe even block them. Delete all pictures of them from your social media profile and even off of your phone. Delete all those old text messages, too.
Living in the past with constant reminders like those can leave you feeling emotionally stunted, now and down the road.
6. Spend time with friends and family
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These are the people who will be in your corner, always, no matter what happens. Hanging out with your friends and family can be the best distraction so that you’re not sitting alone and thinking about the person you love and are trying not to love anymore.
Upon completing their qualitative study, researcher Joanni L. Sailor wrote, "Falling out of romantic love resulted in a personal sense of rejection that struck the core of self so powerfully that it was completely altered. Depression, isolation, and loneliness implode within one's self. Awareness of how the sense of self and romantic love had plummeted resulted in intense emotions of deep sadness."
More than ever, you need your support system so you can be surrounded by people who love you for exactly who you are and won't mind reminding you (even if it's in their own, weird way).
Going out to do some fun activities can be a good way to start laughing and having fun again. The best remedy after feeling sad is always letting the people who care about you put a smile back on your face and remind you why life is still worth joking around about and not taking too seriously.
Research suggests that social support from close relationships helps individuals process grief, reduce feelings of isolation, and build resilience, ultimately facilitating a healthier and faster recovery process. Positive interactions with supportive individuals can also help rebuild self-esteem and confidence, which may have been negatively impacted by the breakup.
7. Realize you’re better off
You deserve to feel happy in any relationship that you enter into. If that person isn’t making you feel 100% and like the best version of yourself, then they aren’t the person for you. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be, and that’s okay. You can take a lesson away from it as a gift that contributes to your next relationship.
Researchers Pilar Lopez-Cantero and Alfred Archer explain in their study, "Because love involves mutual shaping, falling out of love involves a disorientating change in our self-concept. This often prompts a re-evaluation of who we were in the relationship and who we are now. This re-evaluation can be of moral and prudential value."
It’s good to look at the different lessons you’ve taken from your past relationship and think about what you might want in your future relationship, the traits you will look for in a future partner, and perhaps how you might see yourself making some changes and doing things differently in the future.
No matter what, you shouldn’t settle for someone who won’t love you with their whole heart, and who isn't willing to give you theirs.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
