Men Who Still Aren’t Over Their Ex Make It So Obvious In These 6 Ways
Taylor | Unsplash I don’t know what it is, but I always seem to attract the men who are either fresh out of a relationship or are still in love with their ex. Regardless, they’re hung up on their exes, and it greatly affects their ability to connect with me or for our relationship to go anywhere.
It’s easy to avoid these men altogether when you see them coming from a mile away, waving their “I love my ex” flag. But when they’re low-key not over their ex, it’s hard to know until you’re in too deep and your feelings are at stake.
Men who still aren’t over their ex make it so obvious in these 6 ways:
1. He avoids committing to you
If you’ve been casually but exclusively dating him for a few months, then I don’t blame you for wanting to make things official. After all, it’s been a few months, and there’s really no reason not to unless he’s still holding out hope for his ex.
If you bring it up and he brushes it off or tells you, “I like where things are at right now,” then that’s an indication that they’re likely going nowhere unless it involves his ex. Dump him, girl.
Research found that people who keep going back to their exes are way less committed in relationships and literally always keep their options open. If he won't make things official after months of exclusive dating, he's probably still hoping he can work things out with his ex instead of building something real with you.
2. He finds excuses to bring her up
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If you and he have mutual friends who are friends with the ex, this one is entirely possible. Imagine you’re having dinner and he brings up one of those friends, and soon the conversation is waltzing towards the direction of the ex.
It’s like when you’re in high school, and you have a crush on a guy; you’ll find every excuse to talk about him, no matter how crazy you’re driving the people around you. It’s essentially no different, except it’s his ex and he’s clearly not over her.
3. He still sees or talks to her without including you
It’s not uncommon for people to remain friends with their exes, especially if they were friends before they started dating. However, if he’s going out with their mutual friends and her, but he doesn’t invite you along or even tell you that she’ll be there, that could be a big red flag that he’s not over her.
For whatever reason, he doesn’t want her to see him with you, probably in hopes that they’ll be able to patch things up and get back together. If it were a healthy relationship between the two of you and a healthy friendship between them, he’d invite you with and things wouldn’t be awkward at all.
Guys who stay in touch with their ex as a backup option are way less satisfied and committed to their current relationship, research has revealed. Every single time he texts her or grabs drinks with her, it just keeps that emotional attachment alive and stops him from actually being able to move forward with you.
4. He closely follows her on social media
There’s no harm in liking a few photos and posts here and there, but if every time she posts a photo or status, if he’s right on top of “liking” it, it certainly gives you reason to be concerned that he’s not over her, especially if they no longer speak and/or are not friends (at least in real life).
If he’s silently creeping on her social media, he’s obviously trying to keep tabs on her. There’s no reason to keep tabs on anyone unless you’re not over them.
Media psychologist Pamela Rutledge explains that guys who obsess over their ex's social media and like every single photo and comment are trying to get their attention and hoping to rekindle things. She points out that we're hardwired to want affirmation that we're still valued, so guys keep engaging with their ex's posts, hoping she notices and maybe feels a little sad without him.
5. He compares you to her
Ever get into any arguments? Maybe you left the dishes on the corner of the sink. He retorts that “Ashley never did that” or maybe “Jessica always did that.” Whatever the issue is, his ex should never be brought up, especially by him.
Maybe he’s comparing your profession to hers, or her fashion and decorating styles to yours. If the ex is being mentioned at all, he’s not over her.
Studies suggest that constantly comparing your current partner to an ex absolutely destroys relationship satisfaction and creates massive resentment for both people. When he brings up his ex during arguments, it's basically him telling you that nothing you do will ever be good enough compared to what she did.
6. He goes hot and cold with you
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This one goes hand in hand with him not committing. If he’s going days without talking to you, followed by weeks of just not getting off your back, and then back to not talking to you, he’s either unsure about you or he’s got his mind on something else.
If he’s not interested, it’s not hard to outright tell you that and move on with his life. But if he’s hot and cold with you, he’s likely keeping you on the back burner until he’s sure that things won’t ever work out with his ex, because he knows that making it official with you only to dump you a few months later for his ex is only going to make him look like a giant jerk.
Not getting over your ex is completely natural, but it’s not natural to continue to date if you haven’t given yourself time to grieve. He’s not wrong for mourning the loss of his relationship, but if that’s the case, then he shouldn’t even be attempting to start new relationships, or, in his case, leading unsuspecting women on.
The important thing to remember is that if you realize you’re dating a guy who isn’t over his ex, it’s not your job to help him get over her. That’s some stuff that he needs to sort out on his own. Quit wasting your time now before it’s too late, and he breaks your heart. There are many more non-heartbroken fish in the sea for you — or at least ones whose wounds aren’t as fresh.
Kait McKinnon is a writer who focuses on relationships, love, and mental health topics. Her work has been featured on Huffington Post, Elite Daily, and Thought Catalog.
